Drunk-dial

Yesterday was eight years since A died. A rough day, and actually rougher than I had thought. I woke up sick, called in late to work, slept some more, went in to work for two hours, came back home and read old journals and cried. And then, the worst. I wrote a really stupid e-mail to an ex.

While I was reading journals for memories of A, there was the journal about my relationship with M. All through that relationship were entries on A because he wasn't over me after our first break up and, let's face it, the feeling was mutual. (Even though I kept writing that it wasn't. How we lie, even to ourselves.) Anyway, I ended up reading all the parts about M as well, and I saw things I never saw before, because when I was 19 I was stupid, and I'm slightly less stupid now. At least I thought I was. Until I sent off an e-mail to M to tell him these things. Seriously?

And to make matters worse, I then sent a follow-up e-mail this morning, to say I shouldn't have sent the first one. Really, it's like I'm 19 again.

But the truly worst part is that I think I just wanted to reach out. N was working late, and I was home alone and sad (he stayed home cuddling me all morning before my doomed two hours of work, so it's okay that he had to work late). And I think I really was wishing I could e-mail A, and catch up with him. And since I can't do that... Yeah, it's not a good excuse, but there you are.

M has never shown any interest in being friends with me before, so I guess pushing him further away isn't an issue, but I feel bad. N laughed at me when he got home and I told him about it. (In a nice way, he's never mean to me.) He said I can't stand not being friends with people who used to be in my life. And it's true. I know friends with an ex is mostly a pipe dream, but it should be possible. It's a good thing N and I are so happy. No one else will ever have to date me and then live through the curse of me wanting to be friends after.

Ugh. I didn't drink, but I feel like I was drunk on tears, and that was my drunk dial. I'm such a stupid girl.