Strength

Amber wrote a post about strength, and her experience with that word in terms of her daughter being in the hospital. And it made me think of my experience of that word when my husband was in the hospital, and when he died. A lot of people told me I was strong, and praised me for doing what I did. And I, like Amber, have to say that I thought there was no choice, and there was no strength in doing what I had to do. But when I look at someone else's situation, like Amber, I see that she also did what she had to do. And in that I do see strength. And like I told her, sometimes strength means knowing when you're weak. It means crying in the shower, and then not crying in front of the patient. Or breaking down alone in the car so you can put up a brave front in the hospital.

So I guess that means I have to look back and admit that I was strong too. Because I did a lot of crying in cars and showers. I learned when to fall apart and when to hold it in. And it's hard to see that as a good thing. It's hard to admit that maybe I did something right. Because I don't want it to be about me. And because there are so many moments I wish I could do over. I never felt like I was truly living up to what people seemed to see when they looked at me. I always felt that I was failing A somehow, and that he needed more than what I was giving. And because he died, there's no way to ever make up for any of it, which makes it easy to feel that I failed.

But after eight years, I have to try and learn to let that go. I did what I could do. If I had it to do over, I might do it better. But I'll never know. So I have to be at peace with what I did. I loved him, and I know he knew that. At some point, that's going to have to be enough.

Strangely, after all this time, I still have weird triggers. If N so much as gets a sniffle, I get angry. (Of ourse I calm down after the inital reaction, but still...) Should anything, god forbid, happen to him, I'll be mad at myself again. I want to be a better caregiver and help him when he's sick, but I just have such a gut reaction to it. Maybe I forgive myself about A, I can stop being angry at N for things he can't control, and then I won't have to have any more regrets.