The Big Lie

I haven't posted in over 2 years. And I don't know, even though I may wish it, that I am really a blogger. It takes a level of committment I don't think I'm capable of, and I also don't think I'm all that interesting. But there's a topic in m head, and it's too big for Facebook, so here I am.

N and I have a few friends in marriages that are failing. It's very scary, having this happen so close to use, and it really makes us appreciate each other more. But I'm sad for my friends and I wish I could help. And lately, in several situations, this conversation has come up about marriage, and being attracted to other people, and what people say really bothers me.

Contrary to the fairy tale, once you fall in love with someone and decide to make a committment, you don't become blind to the rest of the world. There are other attractive men and women out there, and people who will charm you and interest you and make you smile. And that's okay. I heard a young woman on the radio saying something like, "No, once I marry someone he will think I am the only girl in the world and will never even see anyone else." And I think that is so dangerous.

The following scenario can happen with either gender in either place, I know, but I'm writing based on my recent observations. If a man knows that the woman he loves feels that she must be, to him, every woman once they are together, and that he must be blind to all other, he will start to lie. It may be small at first, but small lies lead to bigger ones. If he must pretend he never sees another woman as attractive, then he won't tell her the girl on the street is pretty. And then he won't tell her his coworker is pretty, and intersting too. And then not telling her about the conversations he has with the pretty coworker will seem thrilling. Then he'll push it further, and kiss the coworker, because this secrecy thing is pretty exciting. And on it goes.

Now, look. I know this is pretty simplified. And I also know that a man who will cheat will likely cheat no matter the circemstances, and a man who won't, won't. But I think it is dangerous to put boundaries between you because of a little insecurity. I also would like to point out that letting your eyes wander all day long and telling your wife constantly that other women are more attractive is not the behavior I'm recommending here. I'm merely saying this. If the man in the scenario had come home and told his wife his new coworker was pretty, (and his wife was a reasonable human being) they could have talked about it. Maybe even had a little fantasy. Or maybe invite her for coffee. Put them all in a situation where they see each other. Leave out the possibility for the thrilling secrecy.

My husband and I occasionally comment on other people. We get hit on and share stories later. We talk about minor crushes. And we trust each other completely. Because what reason would I have to cheat when I know I can discuss it with someone who really loves me unconditionally? I know I'm not a 10, but those 10s out there don't have the history that I have with N. They don't have a scar from having his baby, and they don't know what movie will make him cry or what he'll order from any given restaurant. They are new and excting, yes, but we can have new and exciting conversatiuons about them and move on from the experience together. The notion that we stop being attracted to toher people is ridiculous, and I think it lends itself to a lot of broken hearts.

I also know that I am married to an exceptional person, for which I am forever grateful. But I think people in general need to trust each other more.