Truth and Bananas

6 months

2011-04-28T14:15:00.003-05:00

I can't even remember the last time I wrote. Time has been flying! C turned six months yesterday, and I swear it has been the fastest six months of my life. He is such an amazing baby. We took more than six years to get him, and now all the tears and doctor visits and all the times we heard the word "no" seem like nothing. He was so worth the wait, he is exactly what he prayed for. Like we spent all that time making a list of qualities, with every little fantasy we had we were building a list, and he is exactly all of that. Does that make sense? It's not like we wanted a baby and we got a baby, it's like we wanted a particular baby and we got that one. He's awesome. He's sweet and funny and smart and...just awesome. So there you go. Enough bragging for now. Off to enjoy the rest of a rare day off...

Mommy

2011-01-03T17:16:00.002-06:00

As it turned out, I had to be induced. Then I ended up having a c-section. C came on 10/27/10, and it was the best day of my life. N says it was the worst day of his life because he hated seeing me in pain, but then became the best day when the baby finally arrived. He is beautiful. I mean, of course I think so, but other people say so too, so it must be true. I'm still on maternity leave, until Jan 17th, and I am loving it. I have never been this happy.

But today we visited his daycare, and I cried when we left. It's a nice place, and the teachers are nice, but I cannot imagine leaving him with strangers. I know I have to go back to work. I even want to - I love my job. But I wish I oculd have the best of both worlds. Maybe carry him around in a Snuggli all day. It will only be 4 days a week - N will be with him on Fridays, which rocks. But after being home with Mommy all day every day for 12 weeks, suddenly leaving him there for 8 hours, 4 days a week, seems so mean. And he'll be the littlest one in his room. All the other kids are crawling, and one is walking! He can't fend for himself. Not that I expect him to need to, but...

I know in my head that I am doing the right thing. But my heart is terrified. I have this week and next week to get used to the idea. And to cuddle him like it's going out fo style!

Late

2010-10-21T13:21:00.003-05:00

Today is October 21st, two days after my due date. I said through my whole pregnancy that I didn't want the baby to come early - I wanted him to be fully cooked. Also, I have loved being pregnant, and didn't want it to end. I was not all uncomfortable, like many pregnant women, so I saw no reason for it to end. And even now, I'm only intermittently uncomfortable and I feel fine enough to still be working. But my emotions are getting the better of me, and I wonder why he doesn't want to come out?? N says it's because I've provided such a good home, which sounds nice. Also, I'm sick of everyone asking me all the time...You're still here?...You haven't had the baby yet?...Are you feeling anything? Seriously, when it happens, you'll know! Especially my mom. I really appreciate her being here to help me out, but also she's driving me crazy already. Mayeb he will come tonight or this weekend.

38 weeks

2010-10-06T13:32:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was 38 weeks. At my 37 week visit the doctor said I was 3 cm dilated, and I got all freaked out, thinking the baby was coming any moment. Yesterday i went back and he said 3 1/2, so now I know it's tru what people say, it could go on like that for weeks. Which is good, because I don't want it to be over.

It took a long time to settle in to the idea of being pregnant, after waiting so long for it. So at first there was a lot fo anxiety. And then the gestational diabetes. And then the low amniotic fluid. But overall I've been very healthy - no migraines the whole time, and I hanven't caught any of those cold bugs that have been going around. Even when I was on bed rest those few days I felt good, and the baby was healthy. A while after the baby started moving, which I first felt on June 13th, I started losing the anxiety and getting really happy about it. And I have loved being pregnant. I think even more so because I know it's likely to be my only one. I mean, we're definitely no doing in vitro again - we couldn't afford it. So it may happen naturally, which would be great. But if not, I am so grateful to have this one. And I will definitely have fond memories of this pregnancy.

My mom is on her way to my house now, which is good. I feel better knowing she'll be here at the beginning. And my sister is coming too. I'm a little anxious about how and when and where things will really get started, but I'm not letting myself be anxious about the labor. It has to happen no matter what, so why worry? I'm sure N will be an amazing coach, and we'll get through it together. It's weird how I am so excited to meet the baby, and also so sad at the prospect of the pregnancy being over.

Yay!

2010-08-12T16:08:00.002-05:00

Yay! I'm back in the normal range!!

We went in this morning, and for my fifth ultrasound I finally got a tech I had had before. She was the one who first discovered the low levels, so we thanked her for that. And today she found us back in the normal range. I could pretty much tell, after watching it beng measured so many times. But it was nice to hear her say it. Then the doctor called a while later and sounded so relieved. He said he's treating four other women for the same issue right now, so he has decided it is definitely this weather. But I beat the weather with all my water drinking! Yay!!

Also, today's ultrasound was so fun, because my little boy was on the move! Every time the poor girl tried to measure something, he would move and she'd have to refind it and try again. It was so cool to see it on the screen while I was feeling it. He's usually active, but today was the most active so far.

Last night we had week 2 of our baby class and we talked all about labor and watched a video. Okay. First, I'm a nurse. I don't get grossed out or freaked out by the body for the most part. (I have a thing about phlegm for some reason, but that's really it.) Second, I saw a live birth when I was in clinicals. It was the most beautiful, most moving thing I have ever seen. But now that I have a baby inside me that needs to come out, the whole idea seemd TERRIFYING. Like I said to Noah, we concentrated so hard for so long on getting the baby in there, that I didn't think much about getting it out. I know it will prbably be okay. But I did think I might cry last night.

Just another minor issue...

2010-08-11T13:48:00.003-05:00

It's always something. The newest thing is my amniotic fluid. It was low, and I had to be on bedrest for several days. Missing work sounds fun, but when it's doctor's orders, not so much. And especially not when all you are allowed to do is lay down and chug water. But it paid off, because the fluid came back. So on Monday morning I was sent back to work. And tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound and I hope it is still all good, because I really don't want to waste any more days off. I need all that paid time off for when the little bugger comes out.

By the way, we now know what the baby is. So don't keep reading if you don't like spoilers. It's a boy! I am so excited! I have always wanted a son, and I can't wait to meet him.

He is moving and shaking in there, which I suppose should be a good sign, but when the amniotic fluid was practically non-existent he was still doing that. He must be a hardy lad. Waiting with bated breath for tomorrow's results...

The WHOLE stroy

2010-07-09T13:05:00.002-05:00

On December 5, 2003 N and I got married. We honeymooned on a cruise in the western caribbean the last week of January. And after that, we decided it was time to start our family. I went off birth control, and after five months, I finally got a period. I realize this should have been a clue, but there you go. Once that happened, we decided to actually try. Five months of nothing went by, and during that last month I was spitting on a mini microscope every day to see if I was ovulating. Nothing. I mentioned this to my NP, who is great. She thought that I probably had PCOS, and sent me for tests. This is great, because you usually have to try for a year before they will do any fertility testing.

Turns out I did have PCOS, which you can read about if you click the link. It basically means I don't ovulate, so we had to find a way to get around that. The first thing they did was give me Metformin, a diabetic medication. When this med came out it was cheap and it worked, so they gave it a lot. Then they noticed a lot of diabetic women getting pregnant. Lots of diabetic women also have PCOS. So they did a separate study, and found that some 50% pus of women with PCOS started ovulating once on Metformin. Guess who didn't?

Then we moved on to oral meds. I tried two doses of Clomid, the most common oral infertility treatment. Nothing. Then we tried Letrozole, another oral agent. Still nothing. Keep in mind, each time we try a new med there's a procss. First you take birth control for a month (I know, seems counterproductive), wait for a period, and then you have ultrasounds to check uterine lining, then take the pills on a schedule and ocntinue the ultrasounds until they see if ovulation happens. If not, back to the drawing board.

Once both of those meds were tried, we moved on to injections. Again with the birth control, have a cycle, start injecting yourself on a day determined by formulas and ultrasounds. They're SQ injections, just a small needle into the fatlayer (of which I have quite a bit). Every day for 31 days I injected myself, until there was an ultrasound when they actually saw progress! I had four follicles that were growing, and could possible be ovulated. That night I gave myself an IM injection in the thigh, to jumpstart ovulation. N and I had to get it on 12 hours later, then 24 hours after that. At the time, the doctors had asked me would I consider "selective reduction" should all four eggs be fertilized. No way, man. By this time, we'd been at it for about three years, and we were taking whatever we could get. Turns out, none fertilized anyway.

At this point, the doctors told us that if we tried injections again, we'd definitely get multiple eggs, or none. If we opted for in vitro fertilization, they could get all the eggs out to fertilize, then control what they put in, so I wouldn't have a litter. So we signed up.

First, you have to attend an informational meeting. Then you have to be assessed by a psychologist. You have to have a general physical. You have to plan how you're going to pay for it. In vitro is not cheap, but we had a great plan with the U. It's a cost sharing plan, built to help out women who were not succesful. You pay the fee, and after three harvest attempts, if you have no baby you get 80% back - which you could use for adoption. Seemed like a great idea. So we jumped through all the hoops and got enrolled in the program.

I should mention that in these years I also got a needle stick at work, from a resident who turned out to have Hep C. So baby making got put off for six months while I figured out I didn't get it. Whew. Also, N's mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital for six weeks. Then my mom came to town six months later and had her own heart attack. All these things made it hard to keep on schedule.

So we finally get enrolled for IVF, and the whole process gets started. I forgot to mention, too, that before the birth control I had to take hormones to make me get a period, since I never did on my own anymore, then start the pill, have a nother cycle, start injections again. This time, after they monitored with every other day ultrasounds, they had me come in to the clinic when the eggs were ready (after another IM injection), and they removed them. Which was good because my ovaries were the size of softballs, and it was starting to hurt to walk. They knock you out, then use a teeny needle on the end of a catheter, go in the business way and suck the eggs out of the ovaries. When you wake up, you ask your husband how many they got. From me? 32. Crazy talk.

Side story- the nurse anesthetist told N that when I came out of it, I would ask how many. But that I might not be clear yet, because of the sedative, so if I asked again, just to tell me again. He told him, no matter how many times she asks, just answer like it's the first time. After I woke up and asked him, I remember asking if it was the first time, and N said yes. Maybe he told the truth.

Anyway, N sat with me until i was clear, then took a trip down the hall to give a sample. They put us together in a couple of petri dishes, and we got 24 fertilized eggs. This happened on N's 29th birthday - August 26th, 2008. They let them grow a few days to watch the quality, and freeze the good ones. They froze 17.

In October, I got the first frozen embryo transfer. You again do the cycling meds, then start progesterone injections, twice daily in the butt muscle, and an oral hormone as well. The day of the transfer you take ibuprofen and valium, then head to the clinic. You get to see the embryos they have thawed out under the microscope. Although they really only look like little bubbles, it takes your breath away. Then you lay on the table, and they use a catheter to put them (two embryos at a time) into your uterus. It takes about ten minutes, then you lay flat another ten. They recommend bed rest the rest of that day. Ten days later you go in for a blood draw, then again two days after that. They don't tell you the first results, because there are a lot of false readings, I guess.

That first attempt, nothing took. I felt guilty for not extending the bed rest. So for try number two in January 2009, I did it on a Thursday, had Thursday and Friday off from work, and then kept myself on at least couch rest until Monday. It worked. I got the call on day twelve saying that I was pregnannt. But the hcg numbers weren't as high as they would like. So N and I tried to celebrate, but it was nerve-wracking. A week later I got my blood drawn again, the numbers were good. Yay! About two and half weeks after that, I had an ultrasound, to confirm. There was a baby in there, but it was measuring small. They said come back in after a week to monitor. When we went back in, there was no heartbeat. Miscarriage.

Although I had had nothing but bad news, and therefore no way to filter what had been good news and no time to really believe it, I thought it was going to break me. To make matters worse, it wouldn't expel on its own, and I had to go in for a D&C. N and I took a trip to the Cape afterward, to try and recharge. That was March. That June, we went on a cruise to Alaska. We had decided to take the summer off, regroup, figure out the next step. The doctors were saying that the fact that I had gotten pregnant was good news, but it didn't seem that way.

The summer off turned into even more time off. We didn't know if we wanted to try again. It seemed so masochistic. But then we decided we had to give it one last try. We had the third transfer on January 29, 2010. They had thawed out two embryos and one didn't make it. So they thawed a new pair, and those were transferred. Twelve days later, they said I was pregnant. Again, though, the hcg was a little low. Retest was good. First ultrasound happened and all looked good, but they wanted a follow-up, because of my history. Second ultrasound was good. They dismised us to an OB clinic.

Finally, it seemed like we could be happy. Things were gong well! We saw the OB at ten weeks, we told people at 12 (almost 13 - I was reluctant). Regular apointments have been going well. And still, I would say we are cautious. It just seems impossible that after six years, this could rally be happening for us.

Last thursday, I had to do the one hour glucose test and I failed. I did the three-hour test on Wednesday and today I got the results. I failed. I have gestational diabetes.

I know that really, this whole journey has been easier than many people. And I know that watching my blood sugars won't be the end of the world. But right now, I'm devastated. I promised N and myself that I owuld not compain about anything about pregnancy if I could ever get there. And I won't. But I will just say that it has been difficult to eat in the last six months, and this will only limit me more. But really, more than the inconvenience for me, I'm scared for the baby. I really need this baby to be healthy. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. And I'm terrified I won't be able to control this.

Also, I'm angry at the clinic. I did the test Wednesday. They didn't call until Friday. It doesn't take that long, I'm a nurse, I know. Then they tell me to call and schedule an appointment with a diabetic educator and when I do, I find out they don't take apointments on Fridays. I can't do it until Monday. What the hell? If they had called yesterday i oculd have taken care of this! Not to mention, I'm going out of town on Wednesday. I have an OB appt on Tueday afternoon, and I better be able get in after that, because I can't miss any more work. Arghh!

I'm aggravated, and sad, and frustrated, and annoyed, and really scared. And that's the rest of the story.

Glucose issues

2010-07-06T15:18:00.002-05:00

At 24 weeks, I had to take the one hour glucose test. For those of you who have been through this, you know that you have to drink the botlle of ickiness and get your blood drawn an hour later. Well, I failed it. I was supposed to be lower that 130, and I was 164. Blah. Not terribly bad, but bad enough to have to do a three hour test. Yuck. So tomorrow I have to report to the clinic in the morning, get my blood drawn, drink another bottle of ickiness, and then give a blood and urine sample every hour for three hours. Fun stuff. While I would usually not be upset about an excuse to read all morning, I am feeling guilty about not being at work for half a day. And I don't really have the type of job that allows to bring work home with me. Three people I know who have had babies in the last two and a half years told me this weekend that they also failed the one hour, and passed the three hour. I hope I'm in that boat too.

I'm 25 weeks today, and I still can't believe it. Now I can feel the baby move on a regular basis, N has felt it a few times, but not consistently. And I know I should start planing and maybe buying things, but I think I'll put it off a little longer, just to make myself feel better. I don't want to go taking anything for granted.

Short version, long to follow

2010-06-29T13:42:00.002-05:00

I have been not writing in here recently because I had a lot to say that couldn't be said, and it was hard to talk about anything else. Now that the self-imposed gag order has been lifted, here goes:

I'M PREGNANT!

I am 24 weeks today, actually. And I have been holding out on writing about it anywhere, because this past weekend was a big Tau Centennial party, and I wanted to tell my college friends in person. So now they all know, and I can talk it about it.

Also, I have been the most nervous pregnant woman ever, and was afraid to talk in case things went awry. But last night I realized that the pregnancy is almost two-thirds over, and I need to stop freaking out and start enjoying it. Last night N was able to feel the baby kick for the first time, and his face was priceless. Of course, he said the same thing about mine when I felt it for the first time about two weeks ago. So yeah, there's a baby coming, after six years of trying, and we are over the moon.

Memes

2010-06-09T13:58:00.003-05:00

Still in a meme mood. Stealing from comebacknikki (to whom I have been trying to link, but the computer won't let me).

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Literate Good Citizen
Book Snob
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

ABC meme

Accent: I grew up on Cape Cod, got made fun of for my accent when I went to college in Wisconsin and mostly dropped it. Now my family sayd I have a Minnesota accent. And my husband says I get the East coast back a bit if I'm on the phone with my family for a while.

Booze: I haven't had any in quite some time.

Chore I Hate: All of them. But especially anything outdoors, so those are my husband's job.

Dog or Cat: I have a dog. But I love cats too.

Essential Electronics: Cell phone, computer, digital camera

Favorite Cologne(s): I generally don't wear anything, because I work in long-term care, and the scent can bother people. If I do, I prefer body sprays, especially midnight pmegranate from Bath + Body Works.

Gold or Silver: I prefer silver, but my wedding ring is gold, and my watch has gold accents.

Hometown: South Yarmouth, MA

Insomnia: Never. I'm a sleeper.

Job Title: Assistant Director of Nursing

Kids: I'm working on it.

Living arrangements: N and I have a 4 bedroom house.

Most admirable trait: I usually remember to say thank you, and I'm sorry when appropriate.

Number of sexual partners: I don't want to say. At least two, since I've been married twice. Anything else no longer counts. :)

Overnight hospital stays: Never. All my hospital stuff has been out patient thus far.

Phobias: Spiders, the dark, being alone

Quote: "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." ~Mark Twain

Religion: We've been going to a Lutheran church lately, so I guess that's my newest label.

Siblings: Three siters, one brother, all older than me

Time I wake up: 7:30-ish on weekdays, whenever I feel like it on weekends.

Unusual talent or skill: I can say the alphabet backwards. Also, I read pretty fast. That's about it.

Vegetable I refuse to eat: Okra and eggplant

Worst habit: Eating too much and biting my nails

X-rays: ankel, hand, head, chest

Yummy foods I make: macaroni, pork + saurkraut, enchiladas

Zodiac sign: Cancer

Books!

2010-06-04T13:08:00.002-05:00

I haven't written in a long time, and I want to but I have nothing to say right now. So here's a little something I ripped off. Thanks, Amber!

1) Which book do you irrationally cringe away from reading, despite seeing only positive reviews?
Well, my mom keeps trying to get me to read the Left Behind series, since she really enjoyed it, but I can't bring myself to do it. And I know if anyone saw me reading it I'd be ashamed.

For a long time I wouldn't read anything that got too popular, because I suspected the moron majority was using it for some evil plot, but usually now I'll read it if at least one person I trust says it was good.

2) If you could bring three characters to life for a social event (afternoon tea, a night of clubbing, perhaps a world cruise), who would they be and what would the event be?
This is a harder question than I thought it would be. Most of the characters I love in books are not people you would necessarily want to spend any time with if they were real. And the other problem is that if I brought to life a male character because I love him, I still wouldn't be the lover he wants, so that would be silly. That's the problem with bringing to life the Phouka from War for the Oaks...I wouldn't be Eddi. And also, I really love him because he's a little bit A to me. But let's see...
Death, from the Sandman for some lunch, and maybe clubbing later.
Lazarus Long, from Robert Heinlein's Future History, for long conversations and any adventure he wanted to take me on. Hopefully many members of his family would be there too(especially Mama Maureen).
The Vampire Lestat. He's probably make life intersting for a while, at the very least.

3) (Borrowing shamelessly from the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde): you are told you can’t die until you read the most boring novel on the planet. While this immortality is great for awhile, eventually you realise it’s past time to die. Which book would you expect to get you a nice grave?
Obviously this has to be a book I haven't already read and put in the boring pile. So I'm going on my guess as to a book's level of boring. Since I always think I should but have never managed to pick it up, I'm going with The Grapes of Wrath.

4) Come on, we’ve all been there. Which book have you pretended, or at least hinted, that you’ve read, when in fact you’ve been nowhere near it?
Madame Bovary. I was supposed to read it the summer before Senior year and I couldn't get into it, since I had just finished reading Atlas Shrugged, and Bovary seemed way too watered down after that.

5) You’re interviewing for the post of Official Book Advisor to some VIP (who’s not a big reader). What’s the first book you’d recommend and why? (If you feel like you’d have to know the person, go ahead and personalise the VIP).
If I personalize the VIP, it woul dbe different for every person. But something I'd offer pretty universally is American Gods, by Neil Gaiman. It's such a detailed world, and a beautiful theory, and the best book by a fantastic author.

6) A good fairy comes and grants you one wish: you will have perfect reading comprehension in the foreign language of your choice. Which language do you go with?
I think I have to go with German. There's be some really great Philosophy reading options.

7) A mischievous fairy comes and says that you must choose one book that you will reread once a year for the rest of your life (you can read other books as well). Which book would you pick?
Tough decision. Pride and Prejudice would be one that I have read almost every year, so I guess I'd pick that one.

8) I know that the book blogging community, and its various challenges, have pushed my reading borders. What’s one bookish thing you ‘discovered’ from book blogging (maybe a new genre, or author, or new appreciation for cover art-anything)?
I've never been terribly exclusive about my reading. I like to read, so I do a lot of it. But I guess I have discovered a few new authors. Ann Patchett's the one that comes to mind.

9) That good fairy is back for one final visit. Now, she’s granting you your dream library! Describe it. Is everything leather bound? Is it full of first edition hardcovers? Pristine trade paperbacks? Perhaps a few favourite authors have inscribed their works? Go ahead-let your imagination run free.
When I read Amber's list, I thought: we have the same dream library! Definitely a round room with books floor to ceiling, and ladders to get to them. The books are in pristine condition, but not leather-bound. And they have some sort of magic involved so spines never break and pages don't fold. The center of the room is sunken, with super poofy couches and chairs for comforatble reading, and well-placed lamps. And it has ALL the books. Like the Sandman's library, it has books that my favorite authors never even wrote down. And all the ones I have been too scared to write are in there too.

Strength

2010-03-04T16:47:00.002-06:00

Amber wrote a post about strength, and her experience with that word in terms of her daughter being in the hospital. And it made me think of my experience of that word when my husband was in the hospital, and when he died. A lot of people told me I was strong, and praised me for doing what I did. And I, like Amber, have to say that I thought there was no choice, and there was no strength in doing what I had to do. But when I look at someone else's situation, like Amber, I see that she also did what she had to do. And in that I do see strength. And like I told her, sometimes strength means knowing when you're weak. It means crying in the shower, and then not crying in front of the patient. Or breaking down alone in the car so you can put up a brave front in the hospital.

So I guess that means I have to look back and admit that I was strong too. Because I did a lot of crying in cars and showers. I learned when to fall apart and when to hold it in. And it's hard to see that as a good thing. It's hard to admit that maybe I did something right. Because I don't want it to be about me. And because there are so many moments I wish I could do over. I never felt like I was truly living up to what people seemed to see when they looked at me. I always felt that I was failing A somehow, and that he needed more than what I was giving. And because he died, there's no way to ever make up for any of it, which makes it easy to feel that I failed.

But after eight years, I have to try and learn to let that go. I did what I could do. If I had it to do over, I might do it better. But I'll never know. So I have to be at peace with what I did. I loved him, and I know he knew that. At some point, that's going to have to be enough.

Strangely, after all this time, I still have weird triggers. If N so much as gets a sniffle, I get angry. (Of ourse I calm down after the inital reaction, but still...) Should anything, god forbid, happen to him, I'll be mad at myself again. I want to be a better caregiver and help him when he's sick, but I just have such a gut reaction to it. Maybe I forgive myself about A, I can stop being angry at N for things he can't control, and then I won't have to have any more regrets.

Questions

2010-02-07T22:24:00.002-06:00

I wanted to write something, and even though I have plenty of topics I could write about right now, I wasn't in the mood. So here's this instead.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with N.

What is your greatest fear?
Not getting to be a mom

What historical figure do you most identify with?
I have no idea. I'm trying to think of a historical figure who is famous for reading a lot, but I'm coming up blank.

Which living person do you most admire?
I really admire all my residents. They make me smile every day.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I have no willpower.

What trait do you most deplore in others?
Intolerance and stagnancy

What is your greatest extravagance?
books

On what occasion do you lie?
When the truth would hurt someone.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
my weight

What is your favorite journey?
My life. (ha ha). Our trip to Alaska was amazing.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Beauty. At least as society judges it.

Which living person do you most despise?
Pick a Republican

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
wicked, dude, clearly

What is your greatest regret?
I'm not answering this, because I try not to have them. As The Indigo Girls say,
"Well everything that's come before us leads us to where we are now."

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A + N, my two great loves.

When and where were you happiest?
I've had lots of really happy times. Hanging with the clan, living at Tau, being married to A, and right now, being married to N. I've been so blessed.

Which talent would you most like to have?
I'd like to be able to teleport myself to anywhere, so I could see all my family and friends without having to take time off.

What is your current state of mind?
I can't even think of a word that could encompass it. I'm happy, and sad, and nervous, and worried,and excited, and slightly defeated. It's a crazy time these days.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd have more willpower.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
They'd come visit me more often, instead of me always going there.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
A famous, talented author.

What do your consider your greatest achievement?
My career. I started at the bottom, and have really worked myself up.

What is your most treasured possession?
All my pictures.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Having to lie about who you are because your spouse doesn't really know you.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Being a bibliophile.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honesty. Intelligence. And a good sense of humor.

What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
same.

What do you most value in your friends?
same again.

Who are your favourite writers?
Neil Gaiman, Wally Lamb, Robert Heinlein, Zoe Smith...tons more.

Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Mr. Darcy and Howard Rourke.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My mom, N's mom, N, A's parents

What are your favourite names?
If I tell you, you might steal them.

What is it that you most dislike?
People being fake, having to keep my mouth shut about how I feel about people being fake.

What is your motto?
Smile, stay positive, take each day as it comes.

Drunk-dial

2010-01-26T09:50:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was eight years since A died. A rough day, and actually rougher than I had thought. I woke up sick, called in late to work, slept some more, went in to work for two hours, came back home and read old journals and cried. And then, the worst. I wrote a really stupid e-mail to an ex.

While I was reading journals for memories of A, there was the journal about my relationship with M. All through that relationship were entries on A because he wasn't over me after our first break up and, let's face it, the feeling was mutual. (Even though I kept writing that it wasn't. How we lie, even to ourselves.) Anyway, I ended up reading all the parts about M as well, and I saw things I never saw before, because when I was 19 I was stupid, and I'm slightly less stupid now. At least I thought I was. Until I sent off an e-mail to M to tell him these things. Seriously?

And to make matters worse, I then sent a follow-up e-mail this morning, to say I shouldn't have sent the first one. Really, it's like I'm 19 again.

But the truly worst part is that I think I just wanted to reach out. N was working late, and I was home alone and sad (he stayed home cuddling me all morning before my doomed two hours of work, so it's okay that he had to work late). And I think I really was wishing I could e-mail A, and catch up with him. And since I can't do that... Yeah, it's not a good excuse, but there you are.

M has never shown any interest in being friends with me before, so I guess pushing him further away isn't an issue, but I feel bad. N laughed at me when he got home and I told him about it. (In a nice way, he's never mean to me.) He said I can't stand not being friends with people who used to be in my life. And it's true. I know friends with an ex is mostly a pipe dream, but it should be possible. It's a good thing N and I are so happy. No one else will ever have to date me and then live through the curse of me wanting to be friends after.

Ugh. I didn't drink, but I feel like I was drunk on tears, and that was my drunk dial. I'm such a stupid girl.

59 Questions

2009-12-18T22:42:00.002-06:00

[1] What is your middle name?
Mae. For my great aunt.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Black.

[3] Are you available?
No, happily.

[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
No, but I've had a lot of close calls.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yes, I drive over the 35W bridge in Minneapolis that so famously collapsed in the summer of 2007.

[6] Are you taller than your mom?
Yes, she's a shorty.

[7] What curse do you say the most when you're pissed?
Fuck usually covers it.

[8] Are you God?
Yes. And so are you.

[9] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
I've only really had my heart broken once, and I'll never be over it.

[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Not usually.

[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My right shin. I tripped over a misplaced tool box at work today and now I have a huge dent which is starting to bruise.

[12] Do you often cry during a movie?
Yeah, I cry all the time.

[13] Last text message you received?
Hi, it's Nicholas, here's my new number.

[14] Who sent it?
Nicholas, obviously.

[15] Do you hate your life?
No, I love it.

[16] Do you get mad easily?
Yeah, I think I do. I try to get over it quickly though.

[17] Do you drink?
No. Very rarely, maybe once a year.

[18] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Intolerance. Learn about others' viewpoints, and if you don't like it, don't do it. But don't assume what is right for you is right for all.

[19] Are you cold?
No, I have N's giant blanket on me.

[20] Do any of your friends have kids?
Most of them. This is aggravating.

[21] Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever wants to.

[22] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
I'm happily married, and he's 2 years younger than me.

[23] Do you have any friends?
Thanks to the fact that I joined a coed fraternity in college, I have more than I know what to do with.

[24] Do you have any mean friends?
No, not really.

[25] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
brown.

[26] Have you ever dated someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
No, my friends have usually liked people. I had one boyfriend that my friends I grew up with didn't like, but my college friends were mutual. I married a man people in my family didn't like, but I loved him, so it didn't matter.

[27] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
It's one of those things I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself from doing. Not because I'm suicidal, it just flashes through my mind.

[28] Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Absolutely not. I think suicide is a cowardly escape.

[29] Do you scratch your ears?
If they itch...

[30] Who was the last person to hug you?
N.

[31] What brand are the pants/jeans you're wearing right now?
I have no idea. They are pajama pants with penguins on them.

[32] How tall are you?
5'6"

[33] What is the closest green object?
my t-shirt

[34] What is on your feet?
nothing

[35] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents have named you?
Steven

[36] If you could go back to any time period when would it be?
Ancient Greece, or Elizabethan England.

[37] Do you want to have kids?
Desperately. Unfortunately, my reproductive organs don't do what they're told.

[38] What is your favorite color?
green and pink

[39] Who is the friend you have that you thought you would never have?
My friend C, probably. N's best friend's wife. It's an unlikely pairing, but she rocks.

[40] Who do you hate the most right now?
I try not to hate anyone.

[41] What's your mother's middle name?
Dian. And no, I didn't forget the e.

[42] What kind of car do you want?
My current car is great, a white Chevy Aveo.

[43] What is your favorite video game?
Rock Band.

[44] Do you like your dad?
He died when I was 16. I think I would have liked him had I ever really gotten to know him, but the alcohol got in the way.

[45] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Friends, Gilmore Girls, Family Guy, Quantum Leap.

[46] Are you wearing make up?
No. I pretty much never do.

[47] Do you have a tattoo?
No. Never.

[48] Have you ever broken a pinata?
I've had them but I can't recall if I ever did the breaking.

[49] What time is it right now?
Time to watch Next Gen!!

[50] Do you know how to draw?
Yes. Do I do it well? No.

[51] Who loves orange soda?
I do, I do!

[52] Who is your hero?
My mom, A, N, my residents.

[53] Who did you last IM?
Jake!

[54] Do you work a lot of hours?
Usually only 40-45.

[55] Where were you 24 hours ago?
In bed, asleep.

[56] Who was the last person that called you?
C.

[57] Is there anything you regret?
Of course. But I don't dwell on it.

[58] Do you know where your family name originated from?
France, for a few, and really long time ago. Germany, also forever ago. That's all I know.

[59] Animal that creeps you out?
Squid.

I won!!

2009-11-29T23:07:00.002-06:00

I did it! I wrote in a 50,000 word novel in thirty days! Okay, so it's a 51, 277 word novel, I finished it on day 29, and I mostly hate it. But it is a complete work of fiction, I wrote every day for 29 days straight, and I feel good! Woo hoo! I printed out the certificate they give you, and although I have no idea why it has squirrels on it, it makes me feel like a winner!

Now, December is for revisions...

New Moon

2009-11-25T11:46:00.002-06:00

I saw New Moon last night. Of course I had reread the book so I could bitch about the inconsistencies. But then I was pleasantly surprised. It was not perfect, but there were less glaring errors than I expected, and definitely less than I expected. It was actually pretty good. Of course, I still have issues with the casting...I think Jasper is the best. And I want to love Robert Pattinson as Edward, because I love Edward, and would love to have the right visual, but I just don't. He's not Edward.

I was not pleased by the audience...I know it's a teen girl flick, but I went on a Tuesday to avoid that, and it didn't work. I think I am getting older, because I have very little patience for teenagers these days.

So, grade for New Moon...B+.

ennui

2009-11-16T20:09:00.003-06:00

I, like Kurt*, am filled with ennui.

I was really struck today, starting as soon as the alarm went off, with a sense of the mundanity of life. Actually, it probably started last night, when I realized the next day was Monday. Sunday nights suck.

My thoughts aren't new or unique, and I cycle all the time. I just think, sometimes, that we're doing it wrong. You get up, you go to work, you eat dinner, you go to bed. You shop, cook, do dishes, do laundry, clean the bathroom. You do it all again next week. Now and then, if you're lucky, you get a vacation. You try to fit all the fun in you can on evenings, weekends, random vacation. Then it's back to the grind again.

And it's not even the mundanity of my own particular life. I actually think I have one of the more exciting lives in my little circle. But it still has days like today, when I feel like a rat in the race who doesn't particularly see the point of getting out of bed.

Then I got home. I brought in the mail and the groceries I bought on the way. I fed the dog. I showered. I started dinner. I was about drowning in my lassitude. Then N got home. He thanked me for doing all the mundane things. He kissed me and called me beautiful. And I remembered how blessed I really am, rat race or not.

If you don't know to what I am referring, that means you are not watching Glee. And you should be. It's sublime.

D

2009-11-14T19:23:00.004-06:00

I have this friend, D. I wrote about him recently, and I also gave him this blog address recently.

Let me tell you a little about D and me. We met in seventh grade. I and another friend used to bug the crap out if him in math class, just to be weird. Apparently he was into it, because we became friends. All through high school we were pretty tight. We sat on the phone together while watching MTV, did Spanish class dialogues together, went to the movies together the night of the junior prom, and actually went to senior prom together. Over the years, I had some confusing feelings for him. Mostly I pushed them down. But in college it really hit me, and I told him about it. He said he felt it too! Then nothing happened. As I wrote about before, he finally told me he was gay. The world made sense again.

So, we have a long and bizarre history. That's one point. The other point is that I love him. More than almost anyone, and in a way I love very few people. He's definitely on the short list. This is in spite of the fact that we live halfwat across the country from each other and hardly ever talk or see each other. We always pick up where we left off, which is one of the things I love about him. As a person who always feels guilty about being a bad friend and not keeping in touch with people, I really appreciate someone who doesn't let that get in the way. Other reasons I love him, I can't explain. He just wiggled his way into my heart years ago, and now he's there forever.

A few weeks ago, he shared a story with me about something that happened to him, and the aftermath. It was in an e-mail. It couldn't have been an easy story to tell. And I fear I handled that badly. I replied with a bit of a scolding tone. He hasn't written back. So maybe he's mad, or maybe he's just been busy. But the fact that I think it might be a reaction to what I said means I have some guilt over it. I should have just been supportive. It's just that his story hit too close to some fears I have for him. I'm such a worrier.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that other people play by different rules than I do. Even though he is a friend, I can't judge him by my criteria. And I don't want to judge him. He is one of the smartest people I know, and he doesn't need me to rub his nose in anything. So, D, I'm sorry. I love you. I hope you are okay.

EDIT 11/16: D e-mailed me today. Yay! He wasn't upset, just bad at keeping in touch like me.

sick day

2009-11-12T00:41:00.002-06:00

19,053 words. I can't believe I even had that many words in me, let alone still have more to say.

Today was really weird. Last night I woke up several times with stomach pain. Nothing happened other than pain, thank God, but I was so exhausted when the alarm went off that I asked N for my cell and immediately called in to work. It's totally out of character for me to do that. I actually meant to call in late, just to give myself a few more hours of sleep, but when I woke up again at one o'clock I figured it was justifiable just to stay home. I dozed until 4, then N came home soon after and we went out to dinner and to the Timberwolves game. We ate at Murray's, a fantastic steak place with an early bird special. It was especially good, being my only food of the day. The game was sad, since the T-wolves didn't only lose, but lost by a lot.

I felt super guilty about going out after calling in sick, but it was already planned. And I guess I must have really needed the sleep. And I was worried about having time to get my writing done for the day after the game, but it worled out. Of course, now I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. Blah.

boring...

2009-11-10T23:08:00.002-06:00

I love George Lopez, but Lopez Tonight is not quite right. He has weird timing, or something. Conan, on the other hand, is cracking me up.

Over 17,000 words. Yay!

I really want to blog every day, but after writing for a few hours and before folding a load of laundry, I have no inspiration. Sorry I suck. I'll try to come up with something good tomorrow.

The Full Monty

2009-11-09T22:47:00.003-06:00

I'm over 15,000 words, right on target. I can't believe I'm still keeping up. I know I'm only nine days in, but I'm still excited that I've been getting my words in every day. Woot!

On Saturday night we saw The Full Monty, and it was awesome! The adaptation to a musical was done really well. The actors were all great, the songs were fun, everything was great. Except that during the scene when...SPOILER ALERT - if you haven't seen the movie, you may not want to read about this...

During the scene when two of the guys realize they are attracted to each other, I noticed a certain tension in the audience. I thought it was so strange! First, we're in the Twin Cities - a liberal area. Second, it's the theater, and a musical at that. You'd think the audience would be down with a little homoerotica. But maybe it's just me.

As I'm writing this, I'm watching Will and Grace. Hee hee.

High school survey

2009-11-08T21:02:00.002-06:00

I did this survey in June, 2006. I found it when looking for something from MySpace to repost here.

The high school senior year survey

Your senior year in High School is supposed to be "the best year of your life." Let's see how much you remember. I know for some it might be hard for you to go back that far!

1. Who was your best friend? A, L and D,of course

2. What sports did you play? Marching Band....and anyone who says it's not a sport has never done it.

3. What kind of car did you drive? 1985 gold honda accord

4. It's Friday night, where were you? football game or raising hell with the clan

5. Were you a party animal? in my own way, yeah

6. Were you in the "In Crowd"? ummm,not even close

7. Ever skip school? lots of mornings

8. Ever smoke? that's when I started

9. Were you a nerd? more of a geek

10. Did you get suspended/expelled? never

11. Can you sing the Alma Mater? no

12. Who was your favorite teacher? Jenks...a freshman teacher,but always the favorite

13. Favorite class? AP European History...we had some good times

14. What was your schools full name? Dennis-Yarmouth Regional High School

15. School mascot? Dolphins

16. Did you go to Prom? yeah, but I probably should have skipped like I did junior year...I had three different pictures taken with different friends, others in my class thought I was drunk because I acted like myself in front of them for the first time (I was a good Mormon at the time), and then I got in a fight with my best friends over drinking. All in all, I should have skipped it.

17. If you could go back and do it over, would you? I see no reason to

18. What do you remember most about graduation? making up with A (though the fight started again soon after), candy leis from Elvis' family, and thinking about it being the first time in four years that I wasn't playing Pomp and Circumstance.

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year? there are a lot of great memories with the clan that would be better not to be published anywhere.

20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall? no idea what this is

21. Did you have a job your senior year? babysitting and the shoe store

22. Who did you date? J and I broke up in February, there was no one serious after that until college. But R and R happened senior year.

23. Where did you go most often for lunch? cafeteria. we couldn't leave

24. Have you gained weight since then? yeah

25. What did you do after graduation? I went to Ripon College, met A....then I moved Minnesota and went to school again (which I just finished), married N

Widgets

2009-11-07T14:45:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I really wanted to put a Nanowrimo widget on my site, and I finally figured out how to do it! Yay! Although, it's not the one I wanted, but the one I wanted did not have my accurate wordcount for some reason. Boo.

I had breakfast with a friend this morning. She used to work with me, but she quit. Boo again. Anyway, it was super fun to see her again. And I brought home a Pina Colada muffin for N, which he loved.

Tonight we're going to the Ordway to see The Full Monty. I can't wait!

Ex files

2009-11-06T17:51:00.003-06:00

Today is Friday, and N has to work late, which is such a bummer. Of course, I'm still at work and it's almost six, but he probably won't be home until after ten. Boo!

I don't have any words in yet today, since I'm still at work. And I want to try and coordinate dinner with N, so I hope I actually do get them in today...

Comebacknikki told a funny ex story, and it made me wonder if I had any good ones. The thing is, I don't have a lot of exes. There are two people I was in actual relationships with that I didn't end up married to.

One was my high school boyfriend, J, who I still talk to every now and then. We have mutual friends, plus he's a pretty cool guy in general. N has hung out with several times, and it seems that the idea of hanging out with the guy who took my virginity makes him not even a little bit uncomfortable.

Then there's M, who I have written about before. I just realized it wasn't here, but on MySpace, so I'll go get it...Okay, here it is.

Story time:
I have this ex-boyfriend, let's call him M. (Because that's his name.) And I have been trying, in an on-again, off-again sort of way, to get back in touch with him for a number of years. See, we dated before I got back together with A and ultimately married him. He and A didn't get along. It wasn't really to do with me, but it became my issue because A was my husband...anyway, we lost touch. Then, after A died, I did talk to him a few times, but then he suddenly stopped talking to me again. In the interest of baring all here, I think he thought that I was getting back in touch so I could sleep with him. He acted like he was offended because I hadn't talked to him in so long, but I don't think he actually cares about talking to me. Because I actually did not want to sleep with him...I wanted to get back in touch with a friend. Before we dated, we were friends, and I still miss him sometimes. The M that I was friends with, that is. M the boyfriend was ..... difficult.
Okay, so here's another part. There was one time while I was in nursing school and I on-again tried to e-mail him because we were studying the illness he had in college. He didn't get back to me. I thought, Okay, maybe that's offensive or something. But then a little over a year ago I tried again, for a more amusing reason.
Backstory: D is a friend I have had most of my life. He is totally one of the best people in the world, and I love him. At certain times in my life, I have thought I was in love with him. No, I was in love with him for sure. And at one point, he said he might be in love with me too. At the time, I was dating M. Nothing happened, but there it is. When M I broke up, we talked about all this, and he sort of gave D and I his blessing, so to speak. (they had met, they got along.) But then D and I didn't end up getting together. At the time I wasn't sure why, but nothing happened the rest of that summer, and then D went to spend the semester in Spain and I went back to A. I heard, from a mutual friend, that M was upset when he heard I did not get together with D. That may not be true, but that's what the friend said.
Christmas 2006, N and I are out East, hanging out with my friends, one of whom is D, of course. All of a sudden, D decided to come out to us. I was overjoyed! He's gay! Years of wondering what exactly the deal was...and here was the answer. Cool. I thought a million things and asked a million questions. Down the road, I one day thought of M and thought that he would find it hilarious! But. No current contact info, and no one seems to know how to track him down.
So here I am, blogging about it. I don't know why it came up tonight, except that I have not been blogging lately and I needed a good story. I doubt M cares enough to know I have a blog, but I guess there's chance he could see this. Maybe I'm even hoping he will. Anyway, it's funny.

So there you go, my random ex story for the night. What's funny is that I recently gave D the address of my blog, so maybe he'll see this story. Everything's connected...

Pickles

2009-11-05T21:19:00.002-06:00

Over 8,000 words. I'm getting pumped.

We're watching Dick and Jane. I love Jim Carrey, but for some reason this movie never appealed to me. I'm surprised, though, because it's actually pretty funny so far. I still don't like Tea Leoni. There's something weird about her.

Off to eat some pickles.

I love seniors!

2009-11-04T21:24:00.003-06:00

7,199 words. Woot!

Another story about sports and music:

Last week, N and I went to the Timberwolves' season opener. It was fun to see the new players, and they looked better than last years' team already. They won at the buzzer too, which always makes for a good time. But the best part happened during one of the time outs.

They always have these little performances planned for the longer time outs. And one group that night was called The Timberwolves Senior Dancers. They were women in their fifties and sixties, wearing black pants and white Timberwolves sweatshirts. They danced in formation with multicolored feather boas to Danke Schoen for a few minutes. This was adorable of course. But then it got even better. The dropped the boas, took new poses and suddenly they were doing the dance to Beyonce's Single Ladies. And they were good! I was laughing out loud and cheering.

While I in no way agree with Kanye that Beyonce had the best video, EVAR, I do like to watch people imitate it. But really, if such an array of people can do such a good job doing your steps (including Justin Timberlake in drag) then how good could the original really be?

MN fun

2009-11-03T14:05:00.005-06:00

Before I went to bed last night I got up to over 3400 words, so I'm on target after day 2. They say to write more in the first week, to make it easier later in the month, but I only had 897 the first day, so it was a lot to catch up last night.

This weekend we went to a Gophers game at the new stadium. It was really fun, although cold. I had on a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, a fleece vest and my windbreaker. Then I was thinking about how 40 degrees is totally different in October than in April. Next spring, when it hits 40 degress, I'll probably be in short sleeves.

Anyway, it was fun to see the Gophers win, and to learn all the little audience participation stuff that the NFL doesn't have. Each time the Gophers scores, the crowd yells "M - I - N - N - E - S - O - T - A! Minnesota! Minnesota! Ya-a-a-ay, Gophers!" Hee hee. And I still have no idea what Ski-u mah means*, but okay. :) It's all part of the "Minnesota Rouser," which has its own entry on Wikipedia.

The best part, of course, was the marching band. They were awesome. And of course, as an old band geek, I was trying to find something to criticize. There wasn't much. They did a Halloween half time show (since it was on Halloween), and they played the theme from Ghostbusters, The Time Warp, and Thriller. During Thriller they put down their instruments and did the dance. So cute!

*I actually do, because I read the entry after I wrote that sentence. :)

November

2009-11-02T19:50:00.002-06:00

Thanks to everyone for the comments about my surgery. My scars are almost healed, and then hopefully the whole thing will be behind me for good.

I am finally participating in Nanowrimo! I have no idea how it will work, but I did get started yesterday. Yay!

I wanted to do NaBloPoMo as well, but I forgot yesterday, so it's not an official thing this year. :(

Strangely, Monday Night Football is a good writing background. Who knew?

sans gallbladder

2009-10-14T20:18:00.003-05:00

On Friday I had my gallbladder removed. After stories from Nikki and a few people at work, I was scared but determined to get through it. The immediate post-surgical experience was pretty horrible. I had never had anesthesia before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. There needs to be another word, because nausea does not cover what I experienced. I'm not sure how long the actual surgery took, but I went in at 1030am and the first time I felt well enough to notice the time it was 430pm. Poor N, waiting for me to come out of it. I was in recovery, feeling horrible, hearing snitches of the nurses talking about how they wanted to admit me because I hadn't come out of it yet. Close call. But they tried something that finally worked, I started being able to sit up, and then they wanted me to sit in a chair. Horrible. As soon as I got in it, I just wanted to get out and go home. When I finally did get home, I slept until 1130 the next morning. (Although I got up almost hourly for the first six or so to pee...damned IV fluids.)

The good news is that after that I recovered pretty quickly. I found out after only two doses that Dilaudid does ntohing for me, but there wasn't much pain anyway, and Tylenol handled it. The worst was the shoulder pain, from the cardon dioxide, which I was warned about and those people weren't kidding. I tried to turn over in the middle of the second night and suddenly I felt like someone stabbed my shoulder with a screwdriver and then twisted, over and over again. But that only lasted a few days. The incisions are pretty painless. The one in my belly button opened up, but I saw the surgeon yesterday and he says it's fine. He signed off on me going to back to work today, which is great because I already had a ton to do when I got there, so imagine what a few more days would have been like.

My surgeon has no sense of humor, but I suppose that's not what you want in a surgeon. Yesterday he and his nurse were in the room when I asked about my belly button incision. I told them it's N's greatest fear that his belly button will open up and his innards will fall out. So when I told him that I thought my incision had opened, he freaked out. The nurse was cracking up, but the surgeon said with a straight face, "You would die before that happened." No, really? At least he's good at his job.

And N is a wonderful nurse, of course. But I'm happy to be on the road to recovery...

wow

2009-09-24T21:32:00.002-05:00

The other day at work I got so hyper that I actually said the phrase "all up in your grill" to my boss. As in, I called her to ask her a question after talking to her 3 or 4 times already that day, and when she answered the phone I said, "Hi, it's me. Sorry I'm all up in your grill today." She laughed, which is good, but I still felt a little horrified a few minutes later when I suddenly heard it again in my head.

bullets

2009-09-14T21:55:00.002-05:00

Patrick Swayze is dead, which is so sad. He was more talented than I think he got credit for, and he was far too young.
John Hughes died last month, also hugely talented and too young. I went to Blockbuster to get a few gems and when I mentioned at the check-out that I had to get them because I just heard about him, the teenager didn't know who he was. I didn't know whether to be depressed because that obviously means I am old, or to be disgusted that someone who works in a movie rental store didn't know John Hughes!
I joined Nanowrimo! I am going to do it this year. Woot! I have no idea what to write about yet, but I have six weeks to figure it out...
Yet another entry on the list of things everyone else seems to love that I can't stand: Eva Mendes. What is the attraction? She's a total horse face. The only good thing about her Calvin Klein underwear ads is that her wet, stringy hair usually hides her face. Eww.
I found out that Neil Gaiman, who is divorced, is now dating Amanda Palmer. While I will always love his writing, I lost some love for him with that info. I am probably judgmental, and weird, but I can't help it.
My newest guilty pleasure is Taylor Swift...this happened a few months ago. So when I heard what Kanye did I had to watch the video. As my friend C would say, Kanye's an ass-hat. I used to like him, but he has gone over the edge. On the other hand, I have never been a Beyonce fan, but I respected her decision to give Taylor back her moment.

My sweetie...

2009-09-02T23:05:00.003-05:00

This morning I woke up with a migraine. I haven't had one in a while actually, which is awesome. But usually I get lucky and get them at night. Waking up at 0530 with pain like that completely sucks. Especially since I was planning on going in extra early this morning for some inservices. Instead, I took some pain pills and went back to sleep. N got me an icepack for my head, I put on my sleeping mask, and he cuddled me until it was better. It actually still isn't completely gone, but it got better enough to go to work.

So then on the way to work I called N to thank him again for being so sweet. He takes such good care of me. I had a meeting at work and was talking about him, and the ladies in the meeting were all saying how good he is. This is something I know, but sometimes I realize it again.

Beep Beep

2009-08-31T20:15:00.002-05:00

I'm standing at the desk at the fertility clinic, checking in, and this guy comes up next to me. He's tall and heavy and black, with a fro, and he's trying to hand a small paper bag to the receptionist. Consider the environment we're in, and you know what's in the bag. The receptionist won't take it, tell him he has to wait to be called back. Then, while we're still standing at the desk, a high-pitched beeping starts. I take my receipt and sit down, then big guy sits down, and I notice that the beeping moves with him. I look at the guy I just sat down next to, and see that he knows too. The two receptionists and a nurse are standing behind the desk looking curiously around. Big guy's looking unbothered, trying to hide the sperm-in-a-bag, but otherwise cool. The beeping is not super loud, but loud enough to notice, and no one can not think about it. The receptionists and nurse come out from around the desk, trying to triangulate the source of the noise. Other guy and I are trying to pretend to read our magazines. One receptionist stands next to big guy and looks up at the ceiling, saying she thinks it coming from up there. Big guy says no, it's coming from over there, pointing at the side of the desk he was standing in front of when the beeping started. The another nurse comes and calls him back, and as he exits the waiting room, the beeping follows him. I look at guy next to me and say, It was him! I knew it!," and he says, "I know, I couldn't say anything," and we're cracking up. I wanted to make a crack about him having a sperm alarm, but I thought it might be in bad taste.

When I went back and the nurse came in to the room I asked her if she found out what the beeping was about. She said that big guy had some alarm that went off when he was late for an appointment. He had never been late yet, so didn't know what the alarm sounded like. Really? First of all, no one is never late. Second of all, wouldn't you have tested this bizarro alarm thing when you set it up? (And I'd really like to know more about how it works. Do you have to push some button when you get to pre-programmed events? Otherwise how would it know you were late?) And then how do you not realize that the beeping is coming from you?

Probably it was not nice for other guy and I to laugh at him. But a tall, heavy black man with an afro holding a bag of sperm and beeping - it's not subtle.

Okay, I just read my little account and it's not nearly as funny as it was whn it was happening. Oh well. Deal with it.

N's 30!

2009-08-27T22:29:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was the big N's big 3-0 birthday! He got birthday money from his parents and we went on a shopping spree! Okay, not knowing N, you might not know how funny that last sentence is. N is the least materialistic person I know. It makes him a lovely person, but it's also frustrating as hell, because he is impossible to buy presents for. He never wants anything! And he hates shopping, because he's so tall and it's hard to find things that fit. So he gets the money for his birthday, and he decides there's some things he need. So off to the outlet mall. Watching him actually spend money...on himself...was the cutest thing ever.

We were in the Levi's store, where N got a pair of jean shorts, when I noticed something amusing. Another couple, in their forties, were also shopping for jeans for him. And a kid about 12 was there with his mom. When N came out of the dressing room and I made him turn and sit and looked at how the shorts fit, then he went back in, I watched as the mom and the other wife did the same thing. I thought it was cute how your mom helps you with it, then passes it on to your wife.

So N is 30 now, and he seems to be taking it better than I did. But 32 doesn't seem so old now that he's no longer 29. :)

long ago

2009-08-09T23:31:00.002-05:00

Tonight I finally got around to checking my Facebook for the first time in almost two weeks. And I have an out-of-left-field e-mail from a friend. (Recently they put "frenemy" in the dictionary, and I would say he's the only person in my life I would use that word to describe. But not today, because he showed some vulnerability, so he deserves to be called friend.) So yeah, he wrote to me in a time of need, which sort of blew me away. Not to mention bringing up drama memories from my past. It threw me off, but it also reminded me that my life is bigger than the every day. It's easy to get so caught up with N, and work, and the friends we see on a regular basis, and forget all the other friends and experiences I've had. It's good to get an injection of your past sometimes. I'm glad to realize my life hasn't always been so small and contained. And glad that it is that way now. You can only handle all that drama for so long. Anyway, I responded to the friend, and I hope my response was worthy. What else can you do but be there when someone asks?

N moments

2009-07-16T22:52:00.002-05:00

When I got home from work yesterday, N gave me a dozen red roses. On a random Wednesday! He said it was because I was such a sweet wife and he loves me. I said, "You know most wives would think you were cheating, right?" Then I led him into the bedroom. He says he wasn't expecting that when he bought the roses, but it seemed like the only sane response to me.

Later that night, we were in bed reading. I was reading my book, and he was reading an ESPN magazine I bought for him because Maria Sharapova was on the cover. All of a sudden he asks me, "Would you describe me as polite, quirky and tall?" I thought he had taken a quiz or something, and I said yes. Then he said, "Good, because that's what Maria Sharapova is looking for in a man." So I tickled him.

Birthday

2009-07-10T20:55:00.002-05:00

Wednesday was my birthday. I told N that I wanted to stop having them, but the universe appears not to care what I want. This last year was the fastest of my life, and my mom says they only get faster. That's hella scary.* I think that it's because of my goddaughter. She just turned one. And since I don't have my own kids, she's the one speeding up my life.

So on Wednesday I took the day off, because it's a family policy not to work on our birthdays. I slept in, we had some fun, then N took me to IHOP for chocolate chip pancakes. They also give you a free sundae on your birthday, which I didn't know, so it was a seriously fattening birthday breakfast, but yummy. Then we went to Year One. I was super excited about it, but it didn't really live up to it. It only got 17% on Rotten Tomatoes, but I wouldn't say it was quite that bad. Michael Cera was funny, and Olivia Wilde was hot, so it all evened out.

For dinner we went to Old Spaghetti Factory, and then we went to the Twins game. I was pissed that I was forced to see the Yankees, but it's always fun to see my boys. So overall, a great day.

And then I had to work my butt off for two days, and here I am. So excited for the weekend. We don't have much planned, which is perfect. We came home today and cleaned the house, so we can relax all weekend and not have to worry about it. And now I am writing a boring blog. Blah! Anyway, happy birthday to me!

*Yeah, I said hella.

Bayfield and stuff

2009-06-29T22:53:00.002-05:00

N and I spent the weekend in Bayfield, WI. I had to go to see the Indigo Girls concert, and we decided to make a weekend of it. It was funny, just having come back from this amazing week in Alaska, to take a mini vacation in a place that is in some ways similar, but on a much smaller scale. It was pretty, and we had fun in two hotels (it was a booking issue, but we liked it!) And the Indigo Girls were awesome, of course.

Then I come back to work today - after getting up at five and driving all the way back, because the concert was on a Sunday night - and don't get out of work until almost 8pm. It's not all the fault of the idiots who got fired last week - some of it was just crazy stuff that happened today - but I'm choosing to blame them, because it makes me feel better. Damn morally questionable coworkers!

I did a quiz on Facebook, and I actually thought the results were true. Here's a description of me based on the week I was born:
You appear to be normal but are attracted to the unusual and bizarre. You let few people into your secret world. You can be wacky and zany and have a wilder side that only close friends get to see. You are a collector, reader, and movie watcher and are drawn to the dark side of human experience. It is hard for you to control your desires and you can become obsessive. You often retreat into your own world, you value your privacy and your home is your sanctuary. You ask little more then to be left alone but you are a great deal of fun for your close friends and family. You are sensitive, thoughtful and caring. Strengths: Fantasy Rich – Fun – Psychologically Astute Weaknesses: Self destructive – Obsessive – Embarrassing

work drama

2009-06-24T21:49:00.002-05:00

Wow, has there been some crazy drama at work. Although it's a matter of public record, due to a related law suit, I won't go into a lot of detail here. Suffice it to say that a couple of individuals in upper level nurse management took it into their heads to open their own business. Not a business of the exact same nature as ours, but a similar one. That would not have been an issue - many people have second jobs- but they did not disclose the business. And then they proceeded to use our resources (time, mostly, by doing work on their business while supposedly on the clock, but also paperwork and supplies) for their own business. This was discovered, computers were tracked, then seized at an opportune moment. The two individuals were stuck in a room with the boss for hours, as a team of lawyers and a computer analyst reviewed their computers, flash drives, cell phones, etc. Then they were escorted out of the building, never to be seen again.

I was affected, in terms of having worked closely with one of them. And of course the whole team was affected in terms of having to cover the gaps, and make up for a lot of backwork that they didn't get to because they were too busy building their business. I don't mind doing the extra work, but it does make for a long day. Also, I got some compliments from my boss during the fray, which makes me feel good. But so far, this week has been a lot of catch up work, interspersed with a lot of discussion about the crazy events. Usually, when a person is let go, we are not privy to the whys and wherefores, but the lawsuit gave them the freedom to discuss this, and people cannot stop discussing. Really, even though I know they brought it on themselves, it just makes me feel fortunate to still have a job. Go me!

Alaska Pics

2009-06-17T19:26:00.007-05:00

The troll under the bridge in Seattle.

This is our ship, the Norwegian Sun, from the Space Needle.
The view from under the Space Needle.

The sunken gardens in Prince Rupert, BC.
This was a show about the songs and stories of the Tsmishian people of BC...very cool.

And a view of the harbor in Prince Rupert.

These were views of the White Pass from the train.

The train we were on for the White Pass Scenic Railway.

This is a glacier we saw from the ship...can't remember the name.

I bought these shoes for the trip...I love them!

Here you can see the color change in the water as we approach the glacier.

This is Mendenhall Glacier, in Juneau, and some ice floes from it.

This is in the Misty Fjords National Park.

And Eddystone Rock is near the entrance.

This sign is in Ketchikan and it's hilarious.

This is Olyve Oyl, the octopus at the Aquarium in Seattle.

Okay, so the whole thing is backwards, because the pictures I downloaded last ended up at the top. And I have no idea how it will look when I publish it, but there are some Alaska pictures. Enjoy!

EDIT: I had to go back and move almost every caption to make it line up...at the end I got a bit lazy, but you get the general idea...

more books!

2009-06-17T15:38:00.003-05:00

I keep meaning to post pictures of Alaska/ Seattle on facebook...I'll try to remember to post some here too.

Today is day 3 back at work, and I am still not used to it. I need another week, I think. :)

So when my mom was here a few weeks ago, she left me a book on CD that she had already listened to. I wasn't going to listen to it, because I never have listened to a book on CD before, and it was by Mary Higgins Clark. Nothing against her, she's just not my cup of tea. But I decided to try and I really liked it! The book was A Mount Vernon Love Story -- a fictional account of George and Martha Washington. So it wasn't the normal Clark thing, and I enjoyed the story. And it was fun to listen to on the way to work and the way home. Since I have a long drive, I always wish I could read on the way, and this way I did! I don't know why I always rejected the idea before. Also, while I enjoyed the story, I probably would have had more complaints if I were reading it myself. It wasn't the most well-written thing I've ever read. Excessive amounts of sentences were started with adverbs, which bugs me. But I liked the lady's voice, and I got a little lost in the story and forgot to criticize. So today the story ended and I was sad. I'm headed to the library after work to find a new one. Yay for trying new things! And I think that since it's a different experience than reading a book on my own, I may choose books to listen to that I wouldn't neccesarily pick to read - which is a good thing.

Today's the birthday party for all residents with a June birthday, and I never say no to cake, so off I go...

home from vacation

2009-06-15T16:11:00.003-05:00

Last week we were on a cruise in Alaska, and today I am back at work and I want to go back!! Alaska is so beautiful. I know in the winter it gets harsh, but I could see myself living there May-October.

I always rant about people not knowing what Minnesota is really like - thinking it's a frozen tundra or something. And I guess that's true about everywhere - I mean, you don't know what a place is like until you've actually been there. And Alaska was different than what I had pictured. It was very green and the sun was out (for 18 hours a day) and we had wonderful weather while we were there- 60s and 70s, which is perfect for me. And we saw some beautiful scenery - fjords, and glaciers and icebergs. And I saw a pod of Orca whales, which was incredible. We really loved it.

We also saw a bit of Seattle, as we had time on the last day and one of my friends from college lives there. He and his partner showed us around. I'd like to spend more time there too. Also, I got to go up in the Space Needle, and I bought a copy of The Wheedle on the Needle, which was one of my favorite kids books. N was surprised they had it, but I said of course the gift shop at the Needle woud have it! Yay!

More later, but I need to work now (booo...)

random

2009-06-02T16:05:00.002-05:00

There are so many moments when I think, "Oh, I have to blog about this." And right now, I can remember none of them. I know I threatened N with a blog about something he said last week, and now I have no idea what it was. I should really write this stuff down. Ha ha.

So Amber made a good point about my last post, which was that I am doing therapy for me, not for N. And I didn't mean to imply that I was, or that I wouldn't do it if he didn't get it. It's just that he and I talk about everything. And I don't want him to worry that I won't talk to him if I have a different outlet or something. I just want him to understand what really goes on there, ad I think that now he does. Do I think he'll make a return visit at any point? I highly doubt it. But at least now he's expressed an understanding that I need it, which helps.

We celebrated my mom's birthday last night. It's really on Thursday, but she's planning on leaving tomorrow and N has his softball game tonight. So I made a cake and balloon animals (I used to do clowning for birthday parties and I knew my mom would get a kick out of seeing the ballon animals again.) Before dinner we went to see Up in 3-D and I have to say, it was wonderful. I'm glad we saw it in 3-D, since it was available, but even without that, it was a beautiful story. I cried more than once, and I laughed a lot too. And my mom enjoyed it, which was the point. So go see it.

a case of the mondays

2009-06-01T10:59:00.002-05:00

Today is a day of emotions. I'm back at work on a Monday, which usually puts me in a weird mood in the morning, but then I mellow out as the day goes one because I usually like my job, once I'm actually there. And Mondays can sometimes be really busy, depending on how the weekend went, so then I might not have time to be whiny if I'm running around all day.

But my mom is leaving soon, probably the day after tomorrow, which means the two weekends I had with her are over. While she is here I usually get really frustrated with her (although the more I grow up, the less we argue and the less I am angry with her while she is with me). And then as soon as she is talking about leaving I get all sad and want her to stay.

And to make matters worse, I had an appointment with my psychologist this morning. N went with me, which I think was a good thing. He is a little skeptical of the whole psych thing, but I wanted him to see what I do there, for him to understand why I need it. The thing is, I know we have anxiety and some depression relating to the fertility issues. And with him I think it is completely situational. With me, not so much. People have been telling me most of my life that I am probably depressed, but I haven't dealt with it. I've been okay on my own. Usually I'm a pretty upbeat person, and then I have down days, and I use my resources and move on with my life. But adding the infertility to the mix has made it more than I can handle on my own. And a stranger with no emotional investment in my life seems like the perfect person to talk to.

I can talk to N, and I do, all the time. But sometimes it's nice to have someone else. And when I'm in her office and feeling fine and then one question or comment from her brings on the tears, I know I'm wound a little too tightly. Plus, she can say things that he can't. This morning I told her about my mom's leg infection drama, and she made comments that I would have been angry with N for making, even though I know they are true. Sometimes you need a stranger.

So then we talked after the appointment and I think he finally gets why I want to continue with therapy, at least for now. But now I'm at work, and I just want to go hom and hang out with him and spend some time with my mom before she leaves. Mondays are so long!

Damn Internet!

2009-05-29T10:27:00.002-05:00

I am terrified by how easily accessible people have become due to the internet. The Twitterverse itself completely freaks me out.

I love Neil Gaiman. I read his books, and watch his movies, and read books about him...I'm fairly obsessed. He's had a blog for a long time, which I think is great. He responds to emails from his fans. I have been totally intimidated by that for a long time, because what awesome question could I ask? It has to be the perfect question, because I don't want to be asking him things all the time, so I only get one chance. Therefore, I haven't sent him any messages.

And now there's Twitter. I follow him, and I see random people always sending him little notes, and he responds. This proves that he is really a nice guy, which of course makes me love him even more. But the possibility of sending him a direct tweet is even more terrifying than e-mailing him. Then you have even less space in which to pack a truly meaningful message!!

Okay, I realize I'm crazy. For one thing, Neil has no idea who I am and probably never will, so it doesn't matter what impression my question or comment makes. For another thing, all his interaction with his fans proves what a regular guy he is, and he probably doesn't want some weirdo woman obsessing in her blog over how to send him a message.

But here's the thing: A loved him. He's the one who started my obsession, by introducing me to the Sandman. A actually got an autograph from him, lucky bastard. But even so, in my mind it's two people's fandom that I'm dealing with. So a simple "Hey Neil, how's it going?" isn't going to cut it.

And the problem is, he's too accessible. Back in the day, I never would have had a prayer of interacting with my favorite author, and I could bitch about that and move on.

The other issue is that he lives in MN. And I heard rumors that he likes to go the Renaissance Festival in Shakopee. Every year I go and keep my eyes open, but no sightings yet. If only he'd have a reading and signing near me and I could go and be done with it.

weather woes

2009-05-27T14:24:00.003-05:00

Why does everybody complain about the weather? Do we have nothing better to do with our time?

I live in MN, which people normally believe to be a frozen tundra. Maybe at the northern end of the state, up by Canada, it's different than it is here. I live in the twin cities metro area. We have a winter, yes. But we also have spring, summer and fall. It is no colder or snowier here than in any other state that has a winter. And in the summer, it's just as hot as anywhere else. Okay, I just needed to get that off my chest.

I like it here. I like winter, because I like all the seasons. If I lved in Florida or Arizona or California, I'd probably kill myself. I need variety. And I hate it that people complain about being cold all winter, just to bitch the first day it hits 80 that it's too damn hot. And then, after a few days of 80 we get a cloudy day of 69 (today), they say "We went from Summer back to fall!" It's actually spring, moron, and this is perfectly acceptable spring weather! Stop whining!!

Alice Walker wrote, "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it. " And I agree with that. I try to notice as much as I can. And I also think it pisses God off if you are constantly complaining about the weather. If it rains on your wedding day, that's one thing. Or if your beloved baseball team is stupid enough to bulid an open air stadium in MN and you end up missing a game due to rain. (It doesn't happen until next season, but I'm already bitter.) My point is, there are exceptions. But complaing every day gets on me nerves. We need rain, and sun, and everything else. Learn to appreciate it!

And if the only thing you can think to talk about is the weather, go read a damn book! Learn some new topics, or don't bother starting a conversation with me.

Mom trouble

2009-05-23T23:00:00.002-05:00

After days of waiting, my mom showed up at about 10:30 on Thursday night. When she came in, my first question was, "What's up with that leg?" Her right leg was swollen and an angry red color. When I touched it, it was hot. Apparently, she hit her leg on their grill - over two weeks ago! She had a scabbed over little puncture wound, and a raging infection. The next day I made her go to urgent care. N took her, because I had to work. Sure enough, IV antibiotics, a prescription for orals, and as assignment to come back the next day to make sure it was improving. There are a couple of mind blowers here.

First, why didn't she do something about it earlier.? She flew to Hawaii to see my niece graduate, which is awesome. But she walked all around there, then did a week long road trip from Cali to here, including some sightseeing. From the pictures, it seems like the swelling was even worse then. Why would you not get it checked out?

Second, why does she always come to me to be ill? About two years ago, she had a heart attack while she was visiting me. Thank God I got her to the hospital on time. And if I hadn't made her, would she have ever gone in about her leg? The thing is, everyone else was telling her all along, but she only went when I told her to.

As my sister says, at least she listens to someone. And I appreciate that, but it's difficult for me. I'm here in MN, she's in AZ or MA, or en route. I can be with her all the time. What if the leg had been even worse, and she had not come to see me right then? What if she had been at home when the heart attack happened? Even then, she didn't want to go to the hospital, and I had to force her. The doctor told her that if I hadn't made her come in, she'd be dead. That's a little more than I can handle.

I do have a great support system. Two years ago I spent a lot of her hospital time on the phone with two of my sisters. And the other day I called one of them to vent about the leg thing. She was in Hawaii with my mom, and had been trying to get her to have it looked at the whole time.

But I already have guilt about choosing a life that kept me away from my mom. I haven't been around her on a daily basis since I went to college. And sometimes I am really sad about that. I won't go all into it, but my three sisters and my brother have complicated relationships with my mom. I do too, but I also know that if I lived near her I would spend more time with her than any of them do. It's the cruel irony of my life. But the truth is that I love my life here. For all the guilt I have about it, I wouldn't have the quality of life on the east coast that I do here. And I don't actually miss the area, just the people.

So the fact that I can't take care of her when she needs it really worries me. Her significant other (I never know how to refer to him...they're not married - and even if he were, I'm a little old for a stepfather- and boyfriend sounds weird when you're over sixty) tries to convince her to take care of herself, but apparently she ignores him too. After the heart attack, the only way I made myself okay with her going to AZ (at least in MA my other siblings are there) was believing that he would take care of her for me.

So while I bitch about my mom only listening to me, I want her to keep doing so. I guess it's good juju that's she's with me when craziness occurs, since I'd want to be with her. I just wish that she would take good enough care of herself and listen to others as well. I'm so worried about what will hapen when I'm not there. The truth is, I can't handle the thought...no, I can't even type it.

Anyway, we went back in today and all looks well. I've got her ace wrapped, and she's taking the antibiotics, so I hope it will be better soon. I'm going to enjoy this visit, and wait to feel guilty again until she's back on the road.

Neighbor update

2009-05-21T16:05:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I wrote the big long blog about the rude neighbors and the note they had given us the day before (thanks for the comments, by the way). I also mentioned it on Facebook and got a ton of comments. Then, as I was driving down my street yesterday evening, I noticed 3 yards that had approximately the same length of grass as us, which ruled all of them out. So I had thought it must have been either the next door or across the street neighbors. But the across the street neighbors were out of town that day, and the note mentioned the shared flower beds, so I became convinced that the note was from next door We'll call them the B's. When I got home I told N all this stuff about the blog and the comments and the yards, and he just listened. Then he said, when I was done, "Yeah, it was bothering me all day too, so I went and put a note in the B's mailbox."

What?!? Yeah, you read that right...my non-confrontational, don't stir anything up, keep the peace husband, after telling me not to do it, had gone ahead and noted them right back!! I was so proud! Well, I was disappointed that he didn't wait for me, but mostly I was proud that I have passed some of the dark side on to him. He told me it said something along the lines of,
"We aren't going to deal with the flower beds, as we discussed when we first moved in. Please feel free to take care of them if you feel the need. We are looking into professional care for our lawn and it will be done soon, since it bothers you so much." Hee hee. For my taste, the part about the lawn had a little kow-towing to it, but overall it was well done.

Then he called me at work this morning to say that he had a "run-in." When he went in to the garage and opened the door, Mr. B was standing in his yard, near the flower bed. N said hi, so did Mr. B. then N asked, "Did you get my note?," which I think is hilarious. Mr. B said that he had, then apologized to N. He said there had been an overreaction from "some people." In my mind, "some people" means Mrs. B. N repeated that we were trying to hire a lawn service, and Mr B. suggested that, since he had some extra time on his hands, perhaps he could do the neighborly thing and mow our lawn. Wow!! N told him we had some Twins tickets that we can't use* and offered them to the B's. They had a neighborly handshake, and N went to work.

I was quite proud of my confident husband. Although I had an influence on him, his handling of the situation was a lot less volatile than mine would have been. And I think that his was better, in the long run. Mine would have been more satisfying short term, but it wouldn't have led to better neighbor relations, as his did. Go N!! You're the best. We got an apology, a free lawn mow, and the avoidance of a feud. Sweet!

* Usually there is no such thing as a Twins ticket that we can't use. But we got them free from N's work, and my mom will be here then. She's probably the only person I'd turn down a Twins game for. :)

I hate yard work! And neighbors!!

2009-05-20T13:36:00.004-05:00

In december 2007, N and I bought our dreamhouse. We loved it the moment we set eyes on it. Then we brought his parents to see it, and they loved it. And then, despite some issues with the crazy people who sold it to us, we ended up buying it. In the 17 months since, we have managed to unpack, put things mostly in a semblance of order, finally get pictures and things on the walls (mostly last week for the walls), bought a dog, pretended to train him...what I'm saying is, we've been busy. And clearly not always with the house, as it has taken us so long to get it this together. We love the house and working on it, but we also love traveling and spending time with our frineds, and relaxing with a book or a movie or...whatever.

The one thing that we have not really dealt with much is the lawn. When we moved to our dream house, N and I divided up all the chores. We figured that we could each just be responsible for our own things, not nag each other, and never end up fighting over something as stupid as who did the dishes today. And it has worked. I do my stuff, he does his, occasionally we each slack a little, the other one doesn't mention it, and we move on. The lawn, and all the outside stuff, is on N's list. N, as much as I love him and believe him to perfect for me, is not a working on the lawn kind of guy. I don't see that as an issue. I don't need him to be that kind of guy.

While I love having a back yard for the dog, I think the front yard is more of a burden. For one thing, crazy seller lady (CSL) and crazy next-door neighbor lady (CNL) made a flower garden in the plot of land between our two driveways. At the closing, CSL mentioned that CNL was afraid the new tenants would put asphalt over it (they had sliced a bit off our driveway, making me have to back out at a weird angle.) So when I met CNL, I assured her that I would not put asphalt over our half of the garden, but I also told her that I would not be tending to it. I told her she was free to tend to the plants on our half should she feel the need. Over the first few months that we lived there, she offered multipple times to teach me or give me tips, and I politely informed her that none were needed...I have no interest in gardening. She always meticulously cares for her half and ignores our half now, which I have no problem with.

So there you have N and I, who want to have nothing to do with yardwork, and mow as little as possible, and only under duress. N does mow, just not with such obsessive frequency as the neighbors. And out flower bed is messy. Personally, I'd rather mow over the damn thing, but I left it up because they are all perennials, and they're pretty, if not perfectly cared for.

So yesterday, I came home and checked my mail, as usual. And there was a note in there, which said,

Neighbor -

PLEASE mow and bag your lawn or have a lawn service come and do it!! And clean out your flower beds. Your neighbors are getting testy!!

Thank You

I left the punctuation as it was, and the capitalization of PLEASE, but there were also random letters within some of the words that were capitalized. Is the author not very smart, or were they thrown in to throw me off the trail? You be the judge. Anyway, I was pissed. An anonymous letter? Really??

Here are some of my issues with this.

The neighbors two doors down from me use most of their lawn as a circular driveway, and the rest as a graveyard for some kind of machinery.
The neighbors across the street from CNL have the cops there 2-3 times a week. (I have no idea why, I just see the lights a lot...and the lady across from me told me once about some gossip, but I wasn't listening. Have I mentioned that I'm not a big fan of neighbors in general??)
My lawn may be a little tall, but it's not a jungle. N mowed about two weeks ago.
Why, if this person (or people - the note said said my neighbors -plural - were getting testy. Are they having secret meetings about us?) thinks that my lawn is an issue, could they not talk to us about it? Or at least sign the note. How wimpy are you, that you have to leave an anonymous note in a mailbox??
Why do you have so much time on your hands, and why do you think that I do too? N and I both work full time, have a 45 minute commute, and have busy weekend lives. There's honestly not a lot of time for yardwork, even if we liked it. Which, as stated before, we do not.
What gives you the right to dictate what happens on my property? You want to pay my mortgage and taxes? If not, then back off!

Okay, I probably have more points, but that's enough. When I got the note, I went in and called N and I told him that I wanted to post a note on our malibox or in our yard. I had many options:

Feel free to mow for us!
Unsolicited advice will not be heeded!
We do not negotiate with terrorists (or anonymous neighbors!)
To anonymous: You're a coward!

But N told me to let it go. He said he had planned on mowing before my mom shows up (at the end of this week) and I said, not now you aren't. Let 'em sweat a while. We will not be bullied! (That would make a good sign too). He also discouraged me from going door to door until I found the culprit and then giving them a piece of my mind.

Yes, I probably overreacted. I have anger issues. We've been over this.

The point it, I really was insulted. It's not that bad. And if you can't have the courage of your convictions and say it to my face, you probably shouldn't be leaving me a note either.

So I talked to my mom and two of my sisters, and they had similar reactions (how do you think I got this way?) and I felt a little better. Then I posted a brief thing about it on Facebook and got a ton of responses, which made me laugh. Bringing in a goat to take care of it was my favorite. Go Mama Dixie! Anyway, I am mostly done being angry about it now, and have moved on to being amused. I wonder how long N and I can hold out before even we hate the lawn? Of course, I think that CNL and her hubby wrote it, only because it specifically mentioned the flower bed. (Which, by the way, is covered in wood chips, so it's mostly clean even without making the effort.) And if I see her in the driveway, I will ask if it was her, and let her know that the note was a cop-out. Even if she didn't write, I know she knows who did.

And on the happy side, when I was looking out the window by the front door yesterday, checking to see if anyone was out in their yard, I saw a bunny in mine. He was in the driveway, eating little weeds that pop up next the bush by my front door. He pulled one out by the middle, and the two ends were hanging down to the ground from his little mouth, and I watched him eat the whole thing, nibble by nibble. Super cute!!

Maybe I could train him to eat the grass....

cruise!!

2009-05-18T14:07:00.002-05:00

We're going on a cruise!! Woo-hoo!!

N and I decided that we need a break. We took that long weekend on the Cape, but if you've ever spent any time with my family, you kow it's not really a vacation. (sorry, guys - I love you all, but there's less drama on some Jerry Springer episodes.) So while it was great to see everyone and have a family weekend, we still need a vacation.

After many weeks of searching for a deal, we finally found it and we are headed to Alaska on June 6th!!! My brain is spinning with all the details - what to pack, doggie care, how to set up at work. I haven't been gone for a full work week since I had this job, and I'm nervous about that. But I know it will be taken care of, and that I have to not care, just for seven days.

We've been wanting to go to Alaska for years, so it's hard to believe we are finally doing it. Our honeymoon cruise, to the western carribean, was the best vacation ever. So I'm fully expecting this one to measure right up there. It's Norwegian again, fo course, but a different ship. I can't wait to explore it! We already booked our shore excursions too. I can't wait!!

faith

2009-05-14T17:00:00.002-05:00

Lately, I have had a bit of a religious conversion. Or a reversion, as it were, since I feel like I'm returning to something. As a child and a young adult, I had a fierce faith. Because of circumstances in my college years and beyond, that faith eroded. It was pushed away by many things, but I would say a big player was my study pf philosophy. And to this day, I am in love with everything I learned, and continue to learn, in that study. But in some ways all I was doing was replacing my faith object; instead of faith in God, I put my faith in the cannon. And while I gained a lot from my readings, I could never get a feeling of safety that I missed when I dismissed God from my life. After years of craving it, and then some years of increasing depression over the fertility issue, for which I could find no comfort from my philosophers, I decided to take the leap again. I know more about the alternatives this time, and I admit to having shopped around a bit for the pieces of my new faith, but it real and it is me.

And then I read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. A lot of people have told me to read it, and I wasn't interested in it. Then I finally got around to it, this week, and I loved it. It was a beautiful book, and I applaud her journey. I read it at the perfect time in my own journey. I could quote the whole book, but I'm going to give a piece of it because it was such an a-ha moment for me. She could have been writing about me.

There's a reason we refer to "leaps of faith" -- because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be -- by definition -- faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it owuld not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be . . . a prudent insurance policy.

I'm not interested in the insurance industry. I'm tired of being a skeptic, I'm irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I oculdn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water.

love!

2009-05-13T13:43:00.004-05:00

Last post, I talked about N making me laugh, and I got a cool response. So, in keeping with my resolve to be positive for a while, I thought I'd do a post dedicated to my amazing husband.

When we met, I had recently lost A. I was a widow, with not a lot to smile about, and he made me smile again. Not to mention, he immediately wanted to hear all about A, and has never made me feel bad about missing him or talking about him. Actually, there are times that I forget they never met, because he seems to know so much about him.
He thinks that if his belly button opens, all his innards will come out. Which makes it really fun to poke his belly button. :)
He plugs my cell phone in for me at night, he kills spiders for me, he never leaves the seat up, and he lets me put my cold feet on him even though I never let him put his cold feet on me.
Whenever I am feeling bad about myself, which is often, he always disagrees with me and tells me I'm wonderful. Or he'll say, "Hey, that's my wife you're talking about."
He has the same three best friends he's had since he was six.
He will spend hours on the internet, searching for a good deal for any trip we go on, any appliance we buy, any random item that I need and don't want to buy at the store. It's fun for him, and I get the best stuff.
He also makes me a packet every time we go on a trip, which includes our travel info, hotel info, itinerary, maps, anything else he thinks we'll need...and then he puts a cover page on it that says something like, "N and A's European Adventure!" I keep them for our scrapbooks.
Whenever I call out to him from another room, he always answers with, "Yes, love?"
He is a really good kisser. I mean, really good. This, of course, often leads to other things, which he also excels at, but the kissing is what really got me.
He has such a good soul. He is always thinking about other people and putting them before himself. Often that person is me, and I am always trying to deserve it.
He is completely oblivious to girls hitting on him or having crushes. I always have to point it out.
He is 6' 10" and completely comfortable with that. After more than seven years, I still laugh when people ask him how tall he is...and he's still calm about it after almost thirty years!
If he doesn't know the answer to a question, he just makes something up. Most of the time, people believe him. It cracks him up that I'm the oly one who calls him on it, every time. Even if a story is true, he likes to embellish it. He just likes to laugh.

Okay, I'll stop with a baker's dozen. There is always more I could say, but I have to stop some time. The most important point is that I always love being with him, no matter what we're doing. And when we go through trying times, it's best to remember things like that. No matter what the outcome of all the fertility issues, I am glad to be married to N.

happy entry

2009-05-11T10:52:00.002-05:00

Last week I promised myself that I was going to write about something happy. Then the stupid ER thing happened, and I wrote about that instead. Now I have rested all weekend, and I am determined to have a happy entry for once. I am throwing off the cloak of negativity I was wearing last week (and the whole situation that I continued tonguing at, like a wound on the roof of my mouth, long after I should have ignored it) and putting on my happiness shawl. Or whatever.

N and I had a really fun weekend. On Friday we saw the new Star Trek movie, which I loved. I can't believe how good the casting was, I truly forgot about the actors and was completely absorbed in the characters. I didn't want it to end, and I can't wait for the next one. And in the meantime, I may have to dig out the old episodes and watch them again!

On Saturday we had a really interesting conversation, which could easily have been an argument, but then we talked instead, and we learned some new things. I won't go into all the particulars here, but I think it is amazing that after seven years of sharing everything with each other, we can still learn new things.

Last night, at about 10pm, we decided that we needed to go to Perkins. N is always saying that he needs potato pancakes at ridiculous hours of the night. This was early enough that we could do it, so off we went. And then, at the restaurant, he made me laugh so hard I got the hiccups. Thankfully, I was done with french toast before the hiccups started.

We have always had so much fun together. But now, with all that we've got going on, it has felt really good these last few weeks to be just ourselves again. I think we could maybe get out of the stress if we spend a little longer like this.

non-emergency

2009-05-08T14:08:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I took a little visit to the ER.

I was at work, about an hour after my lunch break, and I started getting a stomachache. It felt just like indigestion or something. Then a few minutes later the pain traveled all over my abdoment and went crazy. I think I'm pretty good at pain...not stoic, but I can usually handle it. This was 8/10, couldn't stand still, had to work on breathing kind of pain. And once it got up there, it stayed. No throbbing or waves, just steady-on blazing pressure. I told one of my friends, who took a second to realize I was serious, and then started doing vitals and listening to my heart and bowel sounds and everything. It's a perk to be surrounded by other nurses all day. My blood pressure was sky high, so I called my clinic. While I was still in pain, I described what had happened and answered a bunch of questions. She told me to go to the ER. After a while the pain went down to about a 5, and then down and down until it was gone. All in all, it was about 20-25 minutes. My work friend would not let me decide not to go, even though I tried, so off to the ER I went.

In retrospect, I could have gone to urgent care. Why I didn't think of that at the time is probably due to being pretty scared about what might be going on. So now I'll probably have a huge bill. Bler. So yea, they did blood work, and urine tests, a 12-lead EKG, and chest x-ray. The doctor said it all looked good. She also talked to me for almost half-an-hour. A very cool MD. After all this, her diagnosis? Stress.

Ha ha. Seriously?

Although I did tell her all about the infertility mumbo-jumbo, she seemed to think I was stressed even before knowing that. Also, she has a son, by IVF, so that was interesting. And the thing is, I had thought I was really de-stressing in the last few weeks. But when I started telling her about stuff, tears were coming to my eyes. I wasn't exactly crying, just tearing uncontrollably. Which makes me realize things are still a lot closer to the surface than I had thought.

I'm not sure I believe that it's only stress. I know all the tests were good, but I'm still worried it was something that they didn't test for. And I'm really not a hypchondriac. I've been having weird chest pains for long time now, which my NP is aware of, and there seems to be no reason for those. But this was serious pain, like I have never felt before. But even if it is only stress, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I thought I was doing better, so I'm not sure I have a whole lot of coping mechanisms stored up at this point.

metablog

2009-05-06T16:26:00.002-05:00

Blogging is stupid. There, I said it. I am guilty of doing it, but that doesn't stop me from seeing the issues involved. The thing is, if you have a blog, you are probably the kind of person who has had journals...maybe you were good at keeping it up, or maybe you started a new one every year and only wrote three entries before giving it up again. You feel like you want to remember life, to document it. Or you feel like you have something to say. Like you are interesting, or wish to be. But in any case, blogging means taking your journals or essays into the public forum. You want people to read what you have written.

I get frustrated that I don't have many readers. I know it's probably because what I have to say isn't grabbing people, isn't new or intersting enough to stand out. But I hold on to the hope that there are other reasons, so I go out into the blogosphere and try to read others, and maybe connect with them, in the hopes that they will turn and read me too. So far, not so good, but I'll keep plugging. Because even though the part of me with loe self-esteem says that no one cares, the secretly overconfident part of me says that someone will aprreciate me. (Also, I cut myself off at the knees by being afraid that those who are too close to me will find it and know too much, but that's a neurosis for another day).

The point is, people who blog want to be read, plain and simple. But the reason blogging is stupid is that then some people turn around and decide that they don't want to be disagreed with. Yes, please read and appreciate my contribution to the world, but don't let on that I'm not the best thing since sliced bread! Don't say anything unless you have something nice to say!

At this point I'd like to pause to say that it probably looks like I am harping on the issue from yesterday. And I suppose that in a way I am. But after spending some time thinking about why I blew up yesterday, I realized that it wasn't really about that one blogger, or at least not totally. This has happened to me before, with my frenemy, B. Once upon a time, he said horrible things about me and about A in his blog. And I responded vehemently. And then got angry that I had the nerve to respond to what he said in his own private blog. Really?

Like I've said before, I believe that people have the right to an opinion, and to voice that opinion. But I also have the right to express mine, and to tell you why I think yours is wrong. And let's not sugarcoat things. It's okay for me to think you are wrong, and vice versa. Just because I think you have a right to an opinion doesn't mean I have to give your opinion any creedence. I might, if you do a good job of arguing your point, but chances are slim.

So the point is that you have the right to write, and I have the right to respond. Love it or hate it, that's how it is. If you don't want to continue from that point, you have the right of ignoring my response. Or you could delete any comments you don't want to deal with. It is, after all, your blog, and I am fine with you dictating the flow of traffic. But please, don't put yourself out there and ask for attention, and then whine because you don't like the attention that you got. I feel like that is just lying to yourself about your real motivation to blog in the first place.

anger issues

2009-05-05T16:25:00.002-05:00

I think I have anger issues.

Last night at Wal-Mart (also known in our household as Satan's World) I had a serious I-am-going-to-kill-someone moment. The night before I had spent almost two hours uploading, reorienting, and resizing a bunch of photos to be printed. This is the only reason I wold go through Wal-Mart, because the whole photo thing is cheap and easy. (Insert joke here). Anyway, I got there yesterday and all the photos were 4X6, with no changes. I seriously freaked out. And I am not good with confrontation, but I did manage to express my pissiness. Of course, it's Wal-Mart, so no one cared. Customer service is about the last thing I'd expect. So after only paying for the ones that were supposed to 4X6 and unchanged, I went home and cried all over N. And he suggested that I order them again, from a different Wal-Mart, so I didn't have to go back to the same people, which I did. He's picking them up today. I was really upset because I am all about this picture project and I am proud of myself for finally starting it, and I want to get it done before my mom gets here in a few weeks. But I think my reaction may have been out of proportion.

Also, there was a traffic incident this morning, in which the horn and both of my middle fingers were used. Let's just say, you can't change lanes whenever you feel like it and expect no reaction. But again, my reaction may have been over done.

And the third time was just now. Catching up on a blog that I recently started following, I realized that a post was directed at me. It made me a little angry, for several reasons. I made the comment a while ago, and I thought it to be calm and reasonable, inviting a friendly debate. Apparently the other blogger didn't feel that way. She felt I "blindsided" her with debate, and that I passed off my opinions as fact. I certainly don't think I expressed my opinions any differently than she did in the post. I stated what I believe. I don't put question marks after solid beliefs, as a rule. And I didn't realize that she wouldn't be up for a debate. When I knew her briefly in college, I remember her being up for things like that. I also noted in the comment that I wasn't trying to start anything, and that I respected her opinions. If I didn't, I wouldn't have bothered to post a comment. Clearly she does not have the same respect for my opinion. That's fine. Then let me know about that. You know where to find my blog, and you know how to respond with another comment, which she did. Don't write a whole post about how you don't want to debate and you resent my comment. And yes, I realize I am being hypocritical about that last point by writing this post. It's part of my charm.

In any case, I'm not catering to any childish wish to hear no feedback. You did have the choice not to publish the comment. Either I read and I respond to it if I feel the urge, or I don't read. I do respect a person't right to her own opinion. But I don't blow smoke up anyone's ass. That's not who I am.

On the other hand, when I stopped following her blog and wrote a curt comment in response, I may have over done it. I know she's going through some stuff, which I could have taken into consideration. And I could have just ignored it and moved on, keeping my decision to comment no longer to myself. Coulda woulda shoulda. What can I say? I have anger issues.

unpatriotic

2009-04-29T15:22:00.003-05:00

The other day I commented on fellow blogger Amber's post (and I knew her briefly in college - weird!) and I have been thinking I should make my own post about it. Her post was about how she's conservative in a censervative-bashing time, and she listed some beliefs. I would agree that it's probably difficult to have conservative views at this particular time, and as a person with liberal views I can say that I honestly appreciate someone who can defend her beliefs in an intelligent manner, no matter which way she leans.

What I felt the need to comment on was her belief that the flag should not be burned or mistreated in any way because people died for it, and that burning it was not free speech. And I disagree. Burning the flag has to be considered free speech. The people who fought and died for our freedom, whatever that means, did it for the country and what it stands for, not for the flag. The flag is just a symbol, and giving more power to the symbol than to that which it represents is a mistake, in my opinion. If I am not allowed to express myself by saying anything negative about my country, then I do not have real freedom of expression. Burning the flag may upset people, but we can't filter what it allowed to be expressed that way. Where would we draw the line?

There are a lot of things people say and I that I do not agree with. But I, like Voltaire, will defend that person's right to say it. Where I draw the line is at hurting someone else, and I don't mean hurting feelings. Yes, there is some importance in courtesy and thoughtfulness in dealing with people, which I try to practice. But tact is one thing, and rights are another. I would be very angry to hear someone yelling slurs at a gay person walking down the street, or rallying against them in a campaign. But they have a right to do that. They do not have the right to physically assault a person due to sexual orientation (or any other reason). I think it's a pretty clear line. Burning the flag may upset someone, but it doesn't hurt anyone.

I think it's hard to remember that people of the opposite opinion have just as much right to express it as you do, but I also think it's important. And sometimes it works in your favor. Part of the reason my President is in office is that Palin was allowed to express any and every stupid thought that came into her head. Good for her, and good for me.

Also, what is this deal with people saying that people fought and died for the flag, or the country, or whatever? I know a lot of people in the military right now, many of who have been deployed in the last few years, some multiple times, due to this fiasco we're currently engaged in. And I can tell you that most of them are not there to "fight and die" for anything. There are many reasons people join the military; they need some direction, they need to pay for college. they want to travel. And then sometimes you end up in a war. I'm willing to bet that the majority of men that fought in all our previous wars had similar reasons. Not to mention that many of them were drafted. I'm sure some people go in with big dreams of defending their country, but I think most people just end up there.

I'm not anti-military, but I'm also not a big fan. I guess I'm thankful in the sense that I'm glad someone is willing to do it, since I wouldn't be, but that's as far as it goes. There are people who are happy I'm willing to take care of theoir mom or dad in old age, because they are not willing to, but that doesn't make me a hero. I support the military in wanting them to come home safely to their friends and families, but I don't support what they are doing. And again, for most of them, they have no choice. Once you're in, you do what the job requires.

I know people will think I am unpatriotic. I'm sure Bush and his cronies would like to find people like me and root us out. The thing is, I am very grateful to live in a country where I can be free to have an opinion about my government, where there are ample resources and potable water. I am grateful that my lot in life was to be born here, and I feel blessed. But I don't feel proud. I don't feel like that's an appropriate emotion. And even though there are many wonderful things about living here, there are definitely some things that the government has done that I am specifically not proud of. Patriotism is not a good enough reason to censor people. If you want to really pay people back who "fought for the flag," then allow it to be used in the service of fully expressing the right that it represents.

scrapbooking and knitting

2009-04-27T15:14:00.002-05:00

On Saturday my friend C and I sat in my church with a bunch of other ladies and worked on our scrapbooks, for over nine hours!! The event was scheduled 9-9, and I didn't think we'd stay so long. We showed up at about 1130, most of the ladies were already dug in. There was lunch and dinner provided, which was excellent - N wasn't kidding when he told me Lutherans are all about food. So C and I talked and scrapbbooked, and before we knew it, it was 9pm and we were all packing up to go. It was a blast. I got a whole scrapbook done of the trip N and I took to South Dakota last August. Yay!

Also, C said she'd teach my to crochet. My mom tried to teach me to knit a few visits ago and it didn't stick. But I do want to do something like that. The thing is, all I do is read. And there's noting wrong with that - I love reading and I plan to keep it up. But you don't have anything to show for it after reading a bunch of books, and I'd like to have some sort of productive hobby. Scrapbooking doesn't count either, because I only really do it for our trips, and I don't plan on getting really intense about it. It can be a really expensive, time-consuming habit. And I saw some beautiful things on Saturday, which I really respect. But for me it's just a neat way to combine our trip pictures with all the silly stuff I save along the way. So I like to be a little creative with it, but I won't be getting quite that into it. Knitting or crocheting would be fun, if I could ever catch on.

Actually, I just finished The Friday Night Knitting Club. It made me want to knit, definitely, but it also made me want to write. Because I think I could do at least that good of a job. I mean, it had some interesting characters, who now and then had some interesting things to say, but overall the plot was trite and the story a bit contrived. And the writing was far less than exceptional. If that's all it takes to get published, then surely I could do it. It's frustrating to me that I haven't done it yet.

open mind

2009-04-22T12:28:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I wrote about me being judgmental, and today I'm going to talk about other people doing it.

About a month ago, I went to see Katy Perry at First Ave with a friend of mine, C. She's 28, I'm 31. It was 15 and up for the concert, which we found really amusing. I had been excited about it because I had never been to First Ave, and we were both excited because we think Katy Perry is adorable. And we had a blast. The opening band (The Daylights, I think?) was actually really good, Katy was even better live, and the whole atmosphere was just fun, fun, fun!

Then I tried to tell people about it. Other friends here, my friends and family at home (we went to the cape just days after the concert), and everybody rolled their eyes at me or made fun of me and didn't listen. Okay, I know not everyone has the same taste in music, but you could at least have an open mind. Just being young, or a pop artist, or having your music played on a certain station, does not mean you don't have talent. And not all music has to be so serious and deep. This used to drive me crazy about A, and now it drives me crazy with other people too.

My favorite bands are the Indigo Girls and Queen. I have pretty diverse tastes, and I appreciate real talent. But I also like new things and having fun with music, and I don't equate young and new with meaningless. I think if some of the people who rolled their eyes at me had been at that concert, they would have a different opinion. Like I said, Katy had the rare distinction of sounding even better live, as well as being very funny, self-deprecating and honest. I liked her, and I like her music now more because of it. And if I had blocked out that experience because of some misguided snobbery, I would have missed something good.

I'm not suggesting that every single person has to love every single musician. I do appreciate that people have different tastes. But if someone tells you about something they are into, and it is someone you trust or like in other situations, give them the benefit of the doubt and listen.

FYI, this goes for things other than music. And I have to point out that I hate it when people, of either gender, say things like, "I hate chick flicks." If you're female, I have the impression that you say this because you are hoping it will make guys like you more. Especially if you turn to the guy in the room and ask if he hates them too. If my husband is the guy in the room, you're out of luck - he likes them even more than I do. And if you're a guy who says it, I think you are insecure. I like that N made me go to the midnight showing of the Sex and the City movie (and was the only guy there), because I like that he can be himself with me and not be afraid of me judging him. Look, maybe some people do just hate the genre as a whole. But it seems strange to me that you would dismiss a whole category, no matter what it is. I would never say, "I don't like dramas." Or adventure movies, or comedies, or kung-fu flicks...whatever. Because there's probably one counterexample for each group. But maybe that's just me.

I guess it's similar to the feeling I had when I was doing a survey on Facebook the other day and came across a question about a movie I like that I wouldn't want anyone to know about. Why wouldn't I want anyone to know? If I like it, I have no shame in liking it. Do I think that Bring It On can compare in quality to Casablanca? No. But do I enjoy it just as much? Yes.

And it's the same with my reading. Everyone who knows me knows that I love to read. And I don't always have the most discerning taste. Again, I know that Twilight does not bear resemblance to Pride and Prejudice, but I loved it anyway. Sometimes, I have to admit, I do say that I don't like romances. But that's because I have read many of them, and feel that the formula is a little tired. But I still pick one up now and then, because sometimes it's just fun.

I guess the point is to be open minded and not just read or watch or listen to only one thing, blocking out all other options. Get out there, try some things, live a little. And be yourself. I mentioned before that I love that N can be himself with me, and I am glad that I can be myself with him as well. Too often I see people holding themselves back or trying to change because of a significant other. If you start out not being yourself, you either have to keep that up forever, or face what will happen when you finally let yourself out and they see the real you. So you might as well start out with representing the real you. Well, that's probably a rant for another day.

hypocrite

2009-04-21T14:56:00.002-05:00

This is my 50th post. Huzzah! Not that it matters much, as I have a readership of aproximately 2. I never thought that I would be concerned about that. I thought I would do the whole blog thing as a way to journal without having to carry one around. But I find I don't treat it like that at all. I get worried that I'm not interesting, I try to think of topics, and I don't write what I would in a journal at all. So I started wondering how people get followers, and then I thought...I should start following others. But how? I have a hard time getting into another person's blog unless I know them...so I guess people would have that problem with me too. Ah well...I guess I'll just write for me and the other two, and move on with my life.

Here's an uncomfortable truth about me: I am judgmental. I pride myself on being tolerant and open minded, but I am a hypocrite. I am intolerant of people who are intolerant. It sounds stupid, but there it is. Therefore, I find myself in the position of cringing when someone says they are a Republican or have conservative views. (Keep in mind, this is mostly in reference to social issues...other things are lower on the totem pole for me.) Or worse, a friend on facebook has their beliefs lasted that way.

I know it seems strange that I would be concerned with being friends with a person with different views. I think people should get to know people with differeing opinions and learn from them...theoretically. But in practice, it is difficult. I often feel, when I'm with a friend who has opposite opinions from me, that I have to defend myself. I would be fine with agreeing to disagree and focusing on what we do have in common, but sometimes that doesn't seem possible. Certain friends can't stop themselves from broaching touchy subjects, and then I can either say what I really feel - which will lead to someone getting upset - or let it go - which will lead to me being frustrated with myself and my friend. Like religion, I think politics should not be discussed in company unless you're willing to get into it all the way.

I've discussed my political views before, and why I think it is better to have an opinion based on the idea that you are choosing for yourself, and not the world, so I won't get all into it now. And the same with religion, by the way. But in any case, I have a problem with my hypocrisy. My husband would say that it is better to know you are a hypocrite than to be one and not know...which is nice, but maybe not enough to get off the hook.

And while I do have some fear of discussions turning into arguments, I have to admit that I wonder, when I see someone listed as conservative, what really goes in their head. How that pours over into the rest of their life. I judge them, is what I'm saying. I need to work on that.

meme

2009-04-13T16:24:00.004-05:00

Since I wanted to blog today, but couldn't get anything meaningful out of my messy head (what else is new?), I stole a meme from one of my favorite bloggers. So thanks to the ferrett.

Who Am I?
I'm truth-monkey, also known as Amanda. I'm 31, a wife, a nurse, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a dog-mom. I like my job, I love my husband and our life, I want to be a mom so bad I could scream, but that hasn't happened yet. I believe in love, learning, and yes, God too (but that's a whole different issue). I'm the most introspective person I know, which is often annoying.

Who Am I Involved With, And For How Long?
I'm married to N. We met just over seven years ago, not very long after my first husband, A, had died. I wasn't looking for anything new, N just fell in my lap. I tried to stop it from happening at first, but our connection was too right to be ignored. He saved me, and gave me a new life. And even though he never met A, he also helps me keep his memory alive. N is the best person I know, my best friend as well as my lover.

Where Do I Live?
We live in our amazing house in Wyoming, MN. It's a split level, four bedrooms, with great lighting. It was the fifth house we saw on the first day of looking, and as soon as we pulled in the driveway, we knew it was our house. We have a big back yard for our crazy dog, Loki (who has Marley beat hands down in the category of naughty dogs), a sunroom, and a room downstairs for my library. it's perfect, and we're never moving again. The only drawback is that people get wimpy about har far away it is from the metro (40 min) and don't come over all that often. Oh, wait. . .Did I call that a drawback?

What Do I Do?
I'm an RN, and right now I work as a nurse manager in a long term care facility in Minneapolis. It's a 38 bed unit, and I basically follow up on nurses and nursing assistants, as well as coordinate with the social worker, dietician, etc. Basically, it's an office job but I can still use my nursing skills, have weekends and holidays off, and make good enough money. Also, I get to hang out with the nursing home residents, which is the best part of the job.

What Are My Political/Religious Leanings?
I always describe myself as super liberal. But I don't think that covers the whole picture. I think I would vote Libertatrian if they could get themselves together. I am very socially liberal, and I have pacificst leanings. I do not consider myself a Democrat, but I think mainly I just don't like boxes. And I try not to be judmental, but if a Republican said it, I probably disagree.

What Are My Notable Maladies?
I have acid reflux, which is annoying but also well managed by meds so far. While I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac in my head, I actually don't have a lot wrong with me. My only really notable malady is infertility, which I'm not sure qualifies as a malady. Maybe a mental illness, which is more what it feels like. N and I have been trying for over 5 years, and I just had a miscarriage last month, after getting pregnant by IVF. This means that I can get preganant, which is supposedly good news, but my brain doesn't interpret it that way yet. We'll just have to see what the next attempt brings, once I'm ready for that.

What Are My Notable Hobbies?
I read. A lot. Incessantly. When I'm not reading, there are tons of other things I like to do, most of which also involve hanging out with my husband. (Actually, reading usually involves that too, since he's most likely to be next to me on the couch with his laptop.) I'm a huge Twins fan, so now that baseball season has started, I am often watching or listening to a game or (better yet) going to one. I love movies, trying new restaurants, traveling (love road trips!) and talking on the phone with my family. But usually, I'm reading.

Questions?
I don't think there'll be any, but I'll answer if there are...

confrontation

2009-04-09T16:35:00.003-05:00

I had a really uncomfortable encounter with a resident's daughter today. We have clashed before, so I knew going in that it wasn't going to be pleasant. She had called my big boss and complained about a situation with her mom and my handling of it, about which I got an email. It just so happened that when I read the e-mail I had just seen her visiting her mom, so I went to find her.

Okay, so this situation started at the very end of February. Obviously, I can't talk about the actual situation. But there was a situation, the daughter was upset about it, she didn't like how I was handling it, I changed tactics and I thought it had been resolved. Now it's almost six weeks later, and I get this email. So I went to talk to her. She swears up and down that I said I would "follow up" with her, which I know I didn't do because A) I wouldn't say that in this kind of a situation, and B) there was nothing to follow up about, since I told her in person what was to be done. She got angry, I tried hard not to get angry.

I hate confrontation. N may not believe this, because I am okay with confrontation with him, the person in the world with whom I am the most comfortable. But it's hard to say to a resident's daughter, "Please don't use the word dumb, I am a professional and I don't appreciate that," without crying. Seriously, the womans said to me, "That was a dumb suggestion and you should have known better." Really? And then when I told her that I had been alerted by my boss that she was upset and I wanted to address it, she got all angry about that, yelling that she had been very calm on the phone, and why would something think she was upset? She made me look up the email and tell her what it said, and it actually said "very angry," so my choice of the word upset was actually backpeddling. In any case, she definitely does not realize how she comes off. What I really wanted to do was run away, but that wouldn't have solved anything. So I bit my lip, literally, not figuratively, and got through to the end. I think it ended well, and amicably, but it wasn't fun getting there.

I don'tknow why confrontation makes me cry. It's just a physical reaction...if there is a confrontation, tears immediately spring to my eyes. I have to bite my lip, or dig my nails in my hand or something to stop them from falling. I don't want to look weak, but I can't help it. Obviously, the actual arguemtn or whatever isn't fun either, but I would deal so much better if I didn't have to battle the water works the whole time.

God and the Indigo Girls

2009-04-08T11:13:00.002-05:00

I think that God is speaking to me through the Indigo Girls.

Or, my already over-analytical mind is reading too much into everything in the wake of our little tragedy, and I've been listening to IG a lot, allowing me to read into them more than usual.

The first one sounds way more interesting. I have been listening to them a lot lately, because the new album came out, and I finally replaced all the other albums I was missing, so it's been fun catching up. And there have been some lyrics that really get to the heart of things, although that's always been true of the girls, which is why I love them so much.

From Despite Our Differences, I Believe in Love, " there are avenues and supplements and books stacked on the shelf, labyrinths of recovery in search of our best self, but most of what will happen now is way out of our hands so just let it go see where it lands."

N and I have been talking a lot lately about letting go, trying the whole "Let go and let god" thing. But we do have avenues and books and labyrinths of recovery all involved in this whole endeavor. It's a lovely saying, "let go and let god, " but it's a lot harder than it sounds. Like faith isn't hard enough on its own, but then you have to add the idea that the concept you're trying so hard to believe in will take care of your heart's desire better than you could. It's a lot to swallow. But strangely, it's easier when things are this hard anyway. And more neccessary.

Then there's Everything in its Own Time, from Shamin of the Sun, "A lesson learned, a loving God and things in their own time, In nothing more do I trust. . . And when the winds have blown things round and back again What was once your pain will be your home Everything in its own time Everything in its own time."

Again, the idea that things come in their own time, that there is a plan, is lovely but difficult. But if we can have a baby, if we can get there, then I think our pain will be our home.

I'm glad that Noah and I made the choice to go to church when we did. It's comforting now, if still a little confusing. And yes, I know that religion is the opiate of the masses, blah, blah blah. I know I am falling into the same trap of those that I have mocked for years. I'm okay with that. Sometimes, things are too heavy to carry on your own. And if I have to be a hypocrite to lessen the load, then so be it. Only I don't even think of it as hypocrisy. I've always wanted to make the leap, to get back to where I had been before the doubt came creeping in, in the wily guise of knowledge. But I could never make it on my own. So now I have this pain, which gives me the fuel to make it further across the great divide than I have in years.

And I have, apparently, the Indigo Girls to help interpret. It could be worse. :)

The trip and what it didn't solve

2009-04-03T15:56:00.003-05:00

So I went home to get away from it all...and really I ended up right in it. What else was I expecting? Although my brother didn't show up, and my mom wasn't even in the state, the sisters pulled through. The M clan can never get together without some drama ensuing. This time I did manage to be uninvolved and escaped unscathed, but the psyche still recoils at the lengths my family will go to piss each other off. Histrionic should be our last name. What are you going to do?

I did see some really cute babies and little kids, and I saw friends, and all the sisters were cool before and after the drama moment. So overall it was a good trip. I told everyone the bad news, and it made it seem first more real, then more dealable, the more often I told it. I had a miscarriage. Now that everyone knows, I figured I could mention it here. It was only 8 weeks, but it was the furthest we've ever gotten...now I will never be able to say that I have never been pregnant. This is both good and bad. The doctors say it's good that I actually got pregnant, that it means we may be able to get there. It's bad for obvious reasons. And I find that I am sick of talking about it, and also don't know how to stop. Maybe when we start the next round I will have something else to concentrate on.

The new Indigo Girls album (which rocks!) has a song called Second Time Around that I've been obsessed with. The whole song is great, but the important part is

I got bitten by the bitter bug, and now I just can't get enough
of ill will and my own conceit
I'm weary of the world, it seems
I'm wearly of the world, weary of the world it seems.
It's sort of always gone my way
I'm just a little bit off these days

That's how I feel. I know I have so much. But I am still weary of this.

I need a theme. It seems I don't have an interesting enough life, or even inner life, to sustain a good blog. I need a theme. Hmm...

bloggers

2009-03-23T16:38:00.002-05:00

I don't friend anyone on Myspace or Facebook unless I've known you in real life. It's not like I'm scared of strangers of anything, but it's hard enough getting to re-know people on such a limiting scale as a social networking site. Getting to know a new person would feel overwhelming.

On a similar note, I don't usually read someone's blog unless I know them. I think it's interesting what people write about, so even if you know them, they might surprise you. But if I don't knw you at all, it's hard to get interested in the inner workings of your life. But I have two exceptions to the blog reading rule. One is an author, Jonathan Carroll, whose books are really great. I fond out he had a blog too and have been following it for some time. He quotes people a lot, or his own works, but sometimes he writes really random passages about his daily observations, and it's clear why he writes for a living.

The other exception is the ferrett. One of my friends pointed him out to me and I've been reading him for a while. Often he cracks me up, and then sometimes I totally disagree with him. But he's rarely boring. I feel like I know him. More than that, if he had gone to Ripon, he'd have been a Tau. That's a compliment, at least from me. :) So the other day he asked for comments and I said hello for the first time. I don't expect him to show up here, as has millions of friends and my blog is no big deal. But maybe I can turn more people onto reading him.

introspection

2009-03-19T11:56:00.003-05:00

I never use the labels. Well, I did for a few posts, but then I stopped, when I realized I never remember what I used in previous posts, so lables will probably never matchup. I should work on that.

What I've been wondering about the last few days is this; what do people see when they look at me? When I was in college I read a really great story by Lorrie Moore called You're Ugly Too. I remember that the Professor and I loved it, while everyone else seemed offended by it. Of course, the two of us had grown up on the east coast and were living in the midwest, much like the main character, who had not a lot of good things to say about the midwest, so that makes sense. Anyway, there's a part where Zoe, the main character, is thinking about what it is about her that lets people recognize her when they see her. I wonder about that too.

But also, I wonder about friendships. I have friends that I think one way about, and they seem to have a different interpretation of our friendship than I do. And I wonder, what are they getting from me? Why are they happy to hear from me or see me, what am I doing that makes them want me as a friend? To be honest, I don't think I'm that great at the whole friend thing. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, for one thing. But I do think my closest friends know that I would be there for them in a pinch, even if we haven't talked in a while. I hope they know that anyway.

It's just a question of the differences between how we ourselves and how we are seen by others. Even in my marriage, I am constantly surprised that N sees good in me, so much so that he still loves me after seven years of seeing all my many faults. I have no idea who the person is that he thinks he is married to, but I often don't recognize myself in her. Thank God N does.

When I still considered myself a philosopher, this was one of my possible thesis topics. Odd then, that I can't even express it clearly here. It's come up again lately because circumstances in my life have really made me even more introspective than usual. Interactions with friends in the last few weeks really have me wondering about what they see, and how it matches up with what I know about myself. I think I know myself better than a lot of people do, but I just may be completely wrong about that.

Escape

2009-03-12T12:20:00.002-05:00

I am getting away for a few days, which I desperately need, and going to the Cape at the end of this month. It's strange to know my mom won't be there. Also, I know that it won't be as relaxing as I need a vacation to be right now, because there are always pockets of drama to fall into wen you are there. It's unavoidable. But it's been almost a year and a hlf, so I need to go. N and I both need to getout of here for a bit and have a change of scenery. If you can lose something you never really had, then we just did, and it was a blow. So off to the crazy Cape with my crazy friends and relatives, hoping to heal.

what's wrong with me?

2009-03-09T11:48:00.003-05:00

I have this thing about unhealthy relationships. Apparently I thrive on them. Okay, that's overstating it. I usually am very good at avoiding them. But there are a couple of examples that I cannot explain.

My friend B, for instance. He may or may not read this, but it wouldn't matter if he did. I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that B and I have a seriously screwed up past. I won't go over the whole thing, except to say that we are both guilty of hurting each other through the years, and not just once. But he hurt me in a way that no one else ever has. He drew blood, emotionally, and it took me years to close the wound. And despite all that, I made up with him and continue to count him as a friend. (We hardly ever see each other or talk, but the potential is there...technicalities count.) And the thing is, when I sit down and really think about the worst times, I am still really angry. But I always find a way to justify having smoothed it over. Why? Why do I want to keep that pain so close?

The reason this is coming up now is that I realized another situation had come up that may have some things in common with the B situation. This time it's my ex, M. We dated in college for less than a year. It was a weird situation from the get go. I have never been able to get into his head, which was part of the problem. We were friends before the relationship, but neither his friend nor his girlfriend could get in. In any case, my theory is that he never wanted to date me in the first place. He was sick at the time, with an illness he has since recovered from. But he was young, it was his last year of college, and he wanted to have some fun. Trouble is, he has a conscience, like a good midwestern boy, and couldn't have fun without strings. So he sought out a relationship. This much I know straight from the horse's mouth. What I pieced together on my own is that the girl he really wanted wasn't available, and he knew I was interested, so there we were. This may or may not be true, but it helps my ego, believe it or not, to believe that the problem started before I was even involved.

Anyway, we dated. It was frustrating. I was coming off a relationship with a man who told me he loved me after two weeks, and was still telling me, even after I had run scared. (I married him later, thank God, but I digress.) M never told he loved me. We discussed it, but it was never the "right time" for him. Also he ignored me for large chunks of time. We mostly connected through sex.

Wow. I just read through that and it sounded horrible. There were some fun times. I enjoyed being with him. But he did withold himself from me, and in the end I couldn't live with that. After a suitable period, I wanted to be friends again. There were some other obstacles in the way, such as A and M not liking each other. So I didn't try to contact M until after A died. We spoke briefly, then he disappeared. Over the years, I have thought of him on and off, but never was able to reach him. Until one day, about a year ago, he showed up on Facebook. I tried to talk to him, and...nothing. When he finally does write back, it's curt and acerbic. His excuse is that I'm an ex. Really?

We dated over a decade ago. That alone should be enough to clean the slate. We were friends once, and our break up was amiable. Why are we still hanging on the "ex" factor? Also, our relationship didn't seem to mean much to him at the time, so why does it have to mean everything now? By the way, we are actually Facebook friends now, but he never responds to anything from me.

So of course the question comes, why am I so concerned about him not wanting to be friends with me? And the answer is, I don't know. N says that I can't stand it when people don't like me, which must be true of everybody, but doesn't explain it. I mean, there are other peope who don't like me, and I'm not concerned about them. But I think if I was once friends with somebody it seems weird not to be friends with them, even if they hurt me worse than anyone, or were once my boyfriend.

RN/ P.I.

2009-03-03T10:19:00.003-06:00

Some weeks I spend half my time doing investigations. A resident gets a bruise, and often can't tell me what happened due to dementia, so I have to investigate. It's a state regulation thing, so I have to do it. But it basically consists of asking a bunch of nursing assistants, who have worked with that resident in the last 3-4 days, if they saw the bruise or anything that could have caused it. But if they ever do see a bruise, they are supposed to report it right away. So if I come callin 3 days later and ask if they saw it they are certainly going to say no. Maybe they did see it, and then got busy and forgot to report it. But these people fear authority and discipline like I fear...I don't know, giant spiders. The point is, they will never admit that they have seen it. And they will never admit that anything occurred that might have caused a bruise, because they didn't already report that. So I end up with 5 or 6 completely useless interviews and I have to come up with a conclusion on my own. Which is sometimes easy and sometimes not. The thing is, in most cases, I want to say, this person is old and ill and has delicate skin, and may even be on aspirin or coumadin...it's inevitable!! But they wouldn't like that. Now and then, like today, there is a bruise that really concerns me and has no obvious answer. Which means today will be a big investigation day. Bah!

pros and cons

2009-02-24T16:05:00.002-06:00

When women at work get into Let's-bitch-about-our-husbands mode, I tend to tune out. I think I've ranted about this before.

It's like some kind of rite of passage; expected behavior. Little girls usually have a fairy tale romance fantasy, and the big wedding plans with the diamond engagement ring that could take your eye out, and the fluffy white dress. Whatever. Then they get married for real, and in no time they are complaining about their husbands. Somtimes I really feel bad for them; one of my friends says of her husband that he was the frat boy and she the sorority girl, then she grew up and he didn't. That's sad. But mostly I am just annoyed. I don't take part in the discussion, because I have no complaints. I am not bragging, but it's just the way it is. And if they badger me enough for me to actually say that I have no complaints, they tell me I haven't been married long enough. It will get worse, they tell me. What kind of a message is that?

It comes from the same culture that makes such horrible commercials. A man is painting his wife's toenails, or he writes a song for her, then the voice-over says, "Because you're not THAT guy" and it's an ad for some chain jewelry store selling diamonds. Which is another issue. I have friends who like diamonds, jewelry in general, so I try not to be so harsh about it. But seriously? If I had a husband who was a jerk and wouldn't spend any quality time with me, a diamond necklace would not fix it. I don't care for diamonds to begin with, and I certainly don't want them as consolation for marrying an insensitive moron. Why do we need to denigrate our relationships and our significant others? Why are we expected to settle?

The thing is, N is my best friend. There's no one in the world that understands me like he does, and no one I would rather talk to. There are pros and cons to this.

A big pro is that my best friend is always available. We live in the same house, share most of the same activites. I never have to worry that another relationship will supercede ours. You know, when you're single and your best friend suddenly has a new boyfriend and doesn't have time for you anymore. When my best friend and I fall in love again, as we do every day, it's with each other, and it never gets in the way of us being friends.

I have no boundaries with him. N is the only person on the planet to whom I can say truly anything. I don't have to be embarrassed about sharing intimate details in order to get a point across, because he already knows all the details - he was there. There's nothing we can't talk about. We're also really good at meta-conversations. We can talk about how we talk for ridiculous amounts of time. It's like DIY relationship counseling. :)

Although I'm not sure our friends would agree with this, N and I have remarkably similar dispositions. We both have a pretty high set-point of happiness, we are pretty laid back, and we both get excited over little things. We love going to the free zoo together on a weekend afternoon, and can tell detailed stories about how much fun we had, so heaven help you if we've been on a big trip and you ask how it was. (Mention our cruise, Disney, or our Europe trip and we'll whip out a scrapbook and gab for hours if you let us.) The point is, we enjoy spending time together.

The one big con is that we also share all the same anxieties. When we are worried about our fertility challenges, for example, we can find it hard to discuss. Though we usually talk about anything, each of us sometimes finds it hard to air our frustrations and potentially hurt the other. If N is having a good day with things and I am not, then I complain to him, it may bring him down again. It's a complicated set of emotions. Because we love each other, we want to spare each other pain. But because we are best friends, we rely on each other for this sharing. We have worked on this quite a bit, and I'm proud of the progress we've made. But it can be frustrating when you're asked to change hats for someone: be my friend now, not my husband. Anyway, I think it's a rare situation that leads to this exact issue. The fertility issue is a big one, and I don't think anything will ever match it for its general pain and awkwardness factor - between us or with anyone else.

Another small con is that it can be isolating. We like our other friends, but it's hard sometimes to compromise what we want to do with what they want to do. And most of the time, I'd just as soon hang out with N alone and do our thing. And maybe some of that is the infertility thing too. As I said above, it's awkward. And while we went through a stage where we told everyone everything, the pain and time of it have moved us into not wanting to talk much about it to anyone at all- even our parents. And really, if I don't talk to my mom about it, no one else has much of a chance of getting in. Anyway, that could be causing more isolation lately, because we only talk to each other about something that is a huge issue every day and never leaves our mind. But I do think we sometimes are isolated because our thoughts about the world at large don't coincide well with some of our friends, and it's jarring to be reminded of that sometimes.

At this point, I would like to make one thing really clear. Although N is my best friend, and we do enjoy spending time together, and I say "we" an inordinate amount...I am not one of those wives. I have no problem letting N do his thing with the guys, or whatever. I do not tie him down, I do not make him wait for permision to do anything. As much as we are a solid "we," we are also individuals. I cannot stand overly clingy women, or women who believe that codependence = love. Trust me, I know a few of them. If N wants to hang with the guys, he makes his plans (usually after weeks of bargaining with the friends who do have controlling wives), tells me about it, and off he goes. We are not attached at the hip. Also, though, I am not a "go out with the girls" kind of girl. I have it done it sometimes, but usually prefer to stay home with a good book. I have strange friendships. But I love having time alone. And no matter what the reason, time apart always gives N and I more to talk about when we get home. I fully support having time apart.

As another point, I have had a lot of friends over the years that I have referred to as my best friend. They have accumulated as I keep meeting more amazing people. And I still love all of them as much as I ever did. It's just that N is on another level. I'd say he's my bestest friend, if I didn't hate that made-up word so much.

I have been in this situation before. A was my best friend as well. I have been blessed to call two such amazing men husband, and even more so that I could call them both best friend. In thinking about how it is sometimes frustrating, I remembered when I didn't have them in one person. After A and I broke up (and before getting back together) I started dating another guy. He was a good guy, but not best friend material. Our relationship was ... I won't get into it. Suffice it to say that I often had reason to want to talk to a friend about the relationship. And I always called A. Though we had broken up, he was still my best friend. And even though he was still in love with me, he listened. It was the best thing he could have done. I soon realized (not soon enough, but I never do) that if he was truly my best friend, truly the person I wanted to call with everything, good or bad, then it made no sense not to be with him again. Why be in a less than satisfying relationship with someone who couldn't share everything with me and keep a best friend on the sidelines, when I could have everything I wanted all rolled up in one man?

So now when N and I find ourselves feeling frustrated with the issue of wearing too many hats, I remember that period of time, and I remind myself that this is the way it should be.

There are other reasons, too complicated to go into here, that I have a hard time sharing things with people. And I don't recommend only having one person to talk to. I have my mom, and my sisters, and certain friends that I talk to, but only to a point. I'm just weird that way. And if there's an issue that I have already talked to N about at length, I may want another opinion. Then I have to think carefully about the appropriate person to call. Sometimes, when I'm contemplating who to call, I wish A were available by phone. He would be perfect. Anyway, I'm just saying we all need more than one friend. But in my opinion the best friend should be the one you share your life with. And I think if you don't have that, you're missing something.

Facebook anxiety

2009-02-17T13:48:00.002-06:00

My newest anxiety-inducing issue is my latest Facebook friend. I logged on to find a request from a woman at work. We are friendly, and I like interacting with her at work, but we have never had any contact outside of work. The way she found me was obviously through another coworker who is on my friends list. I probably should have drawn the line at them as well, but it's different. T and I are friends outside of work. Well, technically we've never hung out, but we talk on the phone all the time and we have a relationship that is not strictly about work. So when he got Facebook, I friended him. Then we were talking about it and another coworker, one of our lunch buddies, mentioned that she was Facebook too, so when she found me I friended her. I don't really have an out of work friendship with her, but we are lunch buddies. Now the newest friending happened and I feel weird about it. Based on having two other coworkers on there, I felt I couldn't defend a refusal. And I like her, so there's really no reason to refuse. But her position at work, while not actually above me, is one that makes me nervous about her seeing my private life online. Not that I have a real crazy private life. It's just the principal, I guess. And it's too late to worry about now. Ahh, the internet and the tangled webs it makes us weave.

I have a lot of anxiety these days in general, I guess it's good to have a new way to focus it.

Yes, I'm serious.

2009-02-11T15:52:00.002-06:00

Recently, N and I joined a church. And before anyone has a chance to ask, no, I have not been struck by lightning yet. :)

There are people who will likely be surprised by this. And that's okay, I expected that. But people who know me really well ought not to be surprised, the ought to have seen it coming. I've always been a very spiritual person, although for years I rejected the traditional structure of church. And in a way I still do. But over the years I've learned that a community can be a good thing. And when N and I get around to having kids, I want them to have a community too. So there it is.

After all the time I spent rejecting the very idea, I expected to feel chagrined about this decision. I don't. I feel comforted.

nursing home thoughts

2009-01-27T17:08:00.003-06:00

There's something about having four days off that really makes work kick your ass when you get back. Yesterday and today have both been crazy, and I see no end in sight. I'm taking a few minute breather to write in here because otherwise I might start tearing my hair out.

I've had two resident die in the last 3 days, one sort of expected, and one a complete surprise, and both broke my heart. It definitely makes you think about the decision to work in long term care. In some ways, it wasn't much of a decision. My friend J got me the job at the small facility where she worked at the time, and then I transferred to the big house, which we call it because it is the biggest nursing home in the state, but it also houses the corporate offices for the company. And before I became a nurse I worked in central supply, in staffing, as a nursing assistant and a TMA. So when I got my RN, I could have left and moved on the the hospital world, but by then this already felt like home. You really build relationships with people here, and their families, which you can't do during a three day hospital stay. And most days I love it. Usually I don't say I love my job, because the paperwork and the bureaucracy I could do without. But I do love interacting with the residents and being a part of their day. They make me laugh a lot. And on days like today, they make me cry. I think it's worth it, because it proves they had an impact on me if I am so done in when the dies. But it doesn't make it any easier. And there's no time to mourn when there's so much work to do.

OBAMA!!

2009-01-20T11:28:00.003-06:00

Even though I wanted to stay home and watch the inauguration coverage all day, I had to come to work. But I did get to see Obama being sworn in and most of his speech, and I am so excited! I can't believe I am actually interestedin hearing a President talk. The last eight years, I had to read transcripts of speeches if I wanted to get the gist, and even then they were hard to stomach. Bush's voice was too much for me to take without an increased blood pressure. But things are changing, and I can't wait to see how it all plays out. I'll always remember where I was when he was sworn in. I hope someday I have grandchildren to tell about it.

Random Hostility

2009-01-12T14:02:00.002-06:00

I am strangely amused by angry people on the internet. I can Stumble around for a whole night, looking at strange things and then reading the comments that people leave, and I love it when they get angry. It cracks me up. Like there'll be a picture of a dog hugging a baby, and some freak will be so outraged that a person would let this happen, not to mention take picures of it! They swear and call people names, and I just don't understand where all the hostility comes from, but it's hilarious! You should really try it sometime.

Liberalism

2009-01-08T15:10:00.003-06:00

I really hate politics. The other night at work I really got into it with a coworker - a person that I generally get along really well with - over the abortion issue. I know, I shouldn't have been talking about it at work, but you know how these things get started. There were actually three of us, but two of us agreed and were debating the third, and it got emotional and the third walked out. I was worried, because I do really like this person, but it's always disturbing to find out just how much you don't have in common with someone. We share the fertility issue, so it's odd that it leads us to opposite opinions on abortion. Well, I had my opinion long before I knew I had issues, and it hasn't changed, but still. She pointed out that her fertility issue was the reason she felt so strongly about it. Anyway, the next day we talked, agreed to disagree, and things are okay. But it really got me thinking.

Anyone who kows me knows that I am extremely opinionated. And although I might apologize for offending someone at work, I won't apologize for who I am and what I stand for. And I am always thinking about what I stand for. Especially because I have recently acquired some Republican friends, which is disturbing to me. Actually, I hate labels. For example, I am liberal, there's no way around that, but I do not consider myself a Democrat. And I don't care, neccesarily, if someone considers themselves to be Republican, or conservative, or whatever. Because I don't think on party lines, anymore than I vote that way.

It's like this. I have an opinion on any given topic; let's say abortion, due to my recent discussion. I believe my opinion to be right, obviously, or what would be the point of having it? But part of my opinion is wrapped up in the idea that I may be wrong, that there may be another way to look at it. And that is the most important part, for me. What aggravates me about someone who is conservative on this issue, the pro-lifer, is that they do not see that there could be any other choice than their own. So it's not the position itself that bothers me, as much as the arrogance. Does that make sense?

I can explain it in more concrete terms. First I need to say that pro-choice is not the opposite of pro-life, as a standpoint. I think a lot of people make that mstake. Pro-choice is a middle ground. And my own personal take on the issue is this: I am against abortion. I don't like the idea of it, I don't think that I could do it myself (although I have never been tested, so who knows) and I wish there was a way that no one would ever need an abortion again. However. I am also a realist, and I believe it is necessary to function in the real world. Abortions will occur. There will be personal tragedies, medical emergencies, and stupid mistakes. We are human. And if we outlaw it, that will not stop these things from happening. Believing that it will is living in denial. If we force women to do it on the sly, in bad medical conditions with no one to oversee it, we will kill more people, rather than saving them. That's what I think. If it is legal, good doctors and nurses can help people.

The point here is that what my personal decision would be does not have any bearing on anyone else's personal decision. I can think of what I would do, but I can conceptualize that someone else might need to make a different decision. And it is not my place to judge or regulate that decision. Nor is it the government's place. In my humble opinion, this is an issue that should never even be on a ballot. And there are other issues that fall under this category too, but I won't go into that now.

And I don't like it when people play the religion card. I may not seem like it to some, but I am one of the most religious people I know. I've read your books, and I've gone to church, and I pray to the God I have known all my life. There is nothing you can say, nor any verse you can quote, that will convince me to change my mind.

So the big point is this: I have an opinion, but it is not as important to me as knowing that my opinion is not universal. Nor would I want it to be. And that is what bothers me the most about people who vote the conservative side. They have a opinion, and they do want it to be universal. What I believe, you should believe. What I do should be done by all. To me, that is horribly arrogant. And excuse me, but even if your conservative beliefs have a base in religion, does that give you the right to judge? Another reason the religious angle angers me. I do believe in God, but I don't believe he appointed me judge over anyone else. In fact, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't approve of it.

Welcome 2009

2009-01-06T11:30:00.002-06:00

I have really cool coworkers. I have an appointment today for which I need a $20 copay, and of course I forgot to stop at the ATM. So I asked one friend, and he didn't have it, but then he asked another person and she is loaning me the $20 until tomorrow. So nice!

Also, I was asked by my boss yesterday to help her out with a super secret mission (which makes it sound more important than it is), but it makes me feel good. I've been feeling not so positive about work these last few months, over four months actually, and now it's beginning to look up. She actually said she appreciated me. Wow.

So I never did a "look back at 2008" kind of thing. It was definitely a year. At the end of 2007, N and I looked back and decided that it had been the year of drama, and we decided that we were sick of it. So we declared that 2008 would be the year of the recipe. Having finally gotten settled in our house, we thought we would spend the year cooking and perfecting our favorte recipes. That lasted until March, when we got Loki, and it quickly turned 2008 into the year of the puppy. Training the puppy, playing with the puppy, learning to get home to the puppy, feeding the puppy. It's been a long puppy year. But now he is eleven months old, and while he is still crazy, there has been improvement. Of course, this week we inherited N's parent's cat, Charlie, for the remainder of the winter, and that is causing a whole new puppy wrinkle. Puppy finally gets his big boy bark. But we'll get through this too.

Also, we started the whole in vitro plan this year, which is still in progress. Not to much to say about that, except that it has been difficult, and trying, and I applaud N and I for handling it as well as we do.

So I have a different job that is starting to get more comfortable, no kid yet but a good plan in place, a beautiful house (still not quite 100% decorated, but great nonetheless), and a fantastic husband. I think 2009 will be a great year.

tats

2008-12-30T14:26:00.002-06:00

I'm cool because comebacknikki gave me a shout out. Thanks!

Okay, I am really bothered by tattoos. I try not to be. I know many lovely people that have them, and I really don't try to be judgmental, but I can't stand tattoos. First of all, have a fear of hepatitis, among other things, so I wouldn't want to get involved in the whole thing. But aside from that, I really don't like how they look. It's like visual pain and awkwardness for me. So if I know you and love you and you have a tattoo, I apologize. But please don't show it to me if you can avoid it.

Arizona

2008-12-22T11:12:00.002-06:00

So we went the weekend in Arizona with my mom. It was really good to see her. She seems very happy and their little conod is adorable. But still, I don't get it. I wouldn't live out there if you paid me. I know it is cold in Minnesota (not as cold as some people would like to think, but that's another issue), and sometimes N and I like to get out for a while in the middle of winter and go somewhere warm. But only for a short time, and then I look forward to being at home. Call me crazy, but it's December. December is supposed to be cold. A vacation is one thing, but having no winter at all would just depress me. And then I would rather be in Florida...Arizona is depressing.

On the lighter side, we did have fun. We saw some cool stuff, my mom was so excited to show off her home, we did our little Christmas present exchange. Also cool was that I got to see my friend D and his apartment. I miss him and hate that we don't see each other often, so I'm glad I got a chance to see his place and catch up a little.

Now I'm back at work, which is blah, but it's a short week.

Okay to stay at home?

2008-12-16T10:49:00.005-06:00

Once upon a time, when N and I first started talking about the possibility of having kids some day (before we knew there would be agonizingly long years of waiting for it), the subject of one of us staying home with them came up. N was dead set against it. He cited the benefits of having a two parent income, as well as the benefit of the child being socialized in a daycare and preschool environment. All good arguments. But he also had some bias, because he had known some stay-at-home-moms and had seen the negative. They were unhappy, unfulfilled, complained about their duties and watched soap operas all day. Seriously, he said he had seen these things with some girlfriends' moms. I debated him. I said it didn't have to be all stereotype and it could be good for the child to have someone at home. A's mom stayed home and was great, and I believed in what she had done. A's mom (and Dad) are also the only hard-core Christians (that I know) that I really respect, because they are not hypocrites in any way. They don't say one thing on Sunday and do another all week long. If they believe it isn't right, they don't do it. So apparently her s-a-h-m example is stellar and out of the ordinary as well.

Now I have a friend that is staying home and I disagree with the decision. Which means nothing, of course, because it is not my decision to make. (There's only a slight chance that she'll read this. I want to make the disclaimer in case she does, but also because it is true: I have no right to judge, and I don't. Not really. I've just been confused about it for a while and I'm letting off some steam.) Anyway.

In the past, I have defended the s-a-h-m position. But I have seen the error of my ways. First of all, what good does it do the child to be around mom all day and not get used to being around other kids? Yes, there are play groups. But every day for 8 plus hours? No. And mom is usually at the play group, so it's not a separation, which the child needs. N and I both spent our early years in daycare and preschool and we both loved it.

The question of money is an issue too. It's non of my business in this particular case, and I haven't asked details. But I don't think they do much better than scrape by. And that seems unfair to the whole family if you ask me. In general, it's a concern I have because I see a lot of my friends having economic issues and it worries me.

And here's another thing. People end up either resenting that they are not with other adults all day, or talking about it. My friend L, whom I love, has said or implied numerous times that she no longer has anything in common with people or anything to talk about. Talking about the possibility of getting in touch with a guy she was friendly with in high school, she said to me, "I didn't call because he is a single guy with a career and I am a stay at home mom. What would we talk about?" Seriously? If I said that another friend was single and traveled for a living while I am a married nurse so we had nothing in common, people would think that was weird. If it supposed to be a career choice, then how does that make sense? And I fully support the idea that choosing to stay home should be just as valid a choice as a career in this post-women's-movement-world. Theoretically. But if you make this choice and it ends up making you feel isolated and out of touch, so much so that you comment on it, how can that be the right choice?

Like I said, just letting off steam. Maybe for some people it is the right choice, but I don't think I can support it.

Christmas Blues

2008-12-10T15:59:00.004-06:00

For reasons I don't understand, Facebook will not load on my computer at work today. I have had to end task all three times I've tried. I haven't had any other internet-related issues today, but this one is making me mad. All I want to do is check in, but no, it won't let me. The fact that I have tried three times, coupled with the fact that I am now writing a blog about it, may make it seem like I have nothing better to do at work than hang out on the internet. (Not to mention making it seem like I'm obsessed with Facebook.) Neither of these things is true. I just have these little pockets of time during the day and I like to do a quick e-mail check, blada blada, and the internet being weird makes me annoyed. Blah.

I am totally not into the Christmas spirit this year. After three and a half weeks of Christmas music, I am already sick of it right when I should be getting into the mood for it. And buying presents will not be exciting. Everyone is on a budget, people are losing jobs, now is not the time for gratuitous spending. Plus, I'm not going to the Cape, where all the kids are, so I don't think I am buying for them this year. I am going to see my mom in Arizona, so I'll bring her some presents. She deserves it, after spoiling my butt all those years. So yeah. N, his parents, our parents. No friends are exchanging gifts, even, since everyone is so poor. But I will buy for my god-daughter, and N's god-daughter. That will be fun. And I'm making Christmas cookies, which I hope to give out to my neighbors. So there's a little bit of spirit, but overall it feels like a dull Christmas this year.

Aniversary gift

2008-12-08T15:02:00.004-06:00

Well I went to the Holidazzle Parade in my silly shoes and I was not cold. Yay! It was slippery, because of those silly downtown sidewalks, but other people were slipping too and it was actually kind of funny. The tent was cool, we sat on bleachers and drank hot cocoa while watching the parade. Then we had dinner, after which I got the meat sweats because 28 ox is a lot of meat for two people to eat. But it's delicious. And we got free chocolate cake because we mentioned it was our anniversary. Yum!

Every year N and I get each other presents based on the traditional gift. For the 5th, it's wood. He got me a digital picture frame ( the actual frame is wood), which I already wanted! It's so cool. I can't wait to load it up with all our pictures.

Okay, I have nothing exciting to say today.

5 Years!

2008-12-05T15:43:00.003-06:00

Today is our 5th anniversary. Yay! N and I will be celebrating by gorging ourselves on the amazing piece of meat shown here. It's a cute little intro. But yeah, 28 oz of strip carved tableside. Yum. Not to mention the salads and sides and garlic bread. We had it for our first anniversary and have been waiting 4 years to repeat it.

Before dinner we are going to see the Holidazzle Parade. It is now sponsored by Target, rather than Dayton's/Marshall Field's/ Macy's as it used to be. And we are watching from a heated Target tent, with hot cocoa and cider. Fun!

And it's a good thing too, (the heated tent thing) because other wise my coworkers would be freaking out. In honor of my anniversary, and the fact that I'm doing my first Christmas-related thing, I am wearing silver sequined flats that I bought on sale (at Target no less) and every one seems to think they will make me freeze. With a coat and hat and gloves, and socks, of course, I'm not sure how they would make a difference. Seriously, if you live in a cold place, you should be used to it by now. If it weren't for the wet snow ting, I would war sandals all year long.

Movie Review

2008-11-24T13:42:00.002-06:00

Well, just to finish out a trio of blogs about it...I saw Twilight. I give it a B, which I think is pretty generous. My question for all people who makes books into movies: If the story is good enough that you think it would be a good movie, why waste time deleting things from the story just to add things in that didn't happen? Usually, when I complain about a movie that's been made from a book I like (which, let's be honest, is every time) someone will point out that it couldn't be exactly like the book because that would take too much time. But they waste time adding new, and stupid, scenes. That time would be better served actually representing the real story. Maybe that's just me.

I did think it was cute that Stephenie Meyer made an appearrance, a la Hitchcock. But she should have spent less time planning her appearnace, and more time defending her book.

The girl made a better Bella than I thought she would, but Edward was a little too awkward for me. I'll probably still but the DVD, but I'll bitch every time I watch it. :)

Friday stuff

2008-11-21T13:25:00.004-06:00

So I did go to Borders and buy more books...yay! And while I was there I picked up a copy of Twilight and started re-reading it because my copy was loaned out and the movie comes out today and I was getting antsy. So I read a few chapters before I could stop myself. Then I got a text yesterday from the person borrowing it, saying she was done. Of course I went right to her house to retrieve after work. So she probably think I'm crazy. But how can I nitpick the movie if I don't have all the book's details fresh in my mind. I'm not going tonight because we already had plans to go to the Timberwolves game, and I still have a few chapters left. But I'm going to see it tomorrow. It will disappoint me, I can already tell from the trailer. But hopefully it will still be a little bit good.

I am so excited that it's Friday. I don't know why, but this week has been exceptionally busy and I am so excited about relaxing. And next week is only three days! Woo-hoo! And tomorrow is my husband's god-daughter's first birthday, so that's fun.

Bibliomania

2008-11-18T14:51:00.003-06:00

I have a serious book problem. Right now, people who know me are thinking - duh! But really, it's getting out of control. This summer I went to a tent sale the Half Price Books was having and, because I had a 25 dollar gift certificate, bought 27 books. Then a few weeks ago there was a buy-two-get-the-third-free sale on graphic novels and sci-fi and fantasy at Borders. I had a big gift certificate that I had been saving and went to the sale only to discover I had forgotten it at home. I bought books anyway. Then yesterday I say they are having another sale at Borders, all fiction is buy one get one half off, and I am totally going this afternoon, this time with my gift certificate. This may not seem really crazy to some book loving people, but I also go on weekly library trips. So even though I read a ridiculously large amount, I hardly ever catch up to what I've already bought. But I can't stop! Must! Have! More! Books!

The other problem is that I really don't like reading more than one book at a time. I know some people like to do that. And I've tried reading one fiction and one nofiction, but I always end up finishing one before I can really concentrate on the other one. So it's one at a time, and even thought I read faster than most people, it's still too slow for my buying habits. (I'm not bragging about it, but people are constantly having an amazed reaction to how fast I read. I think it's more about a sick dedication than speed. I'd rather read than almost anything.)

I seriously want to leave work early to go to this book sale. I have priority issues.

We're so cute!

2008-11-17T16:17:00.002-06:00

I have a follower! Yay! Mr. Nicholas has a blog again, but he'll probably be even worse then me at updating it. By the way, I forgot to tell him that I'm glad he's not on fire. Sadly, I wasn't even aware that was a possibility until he mentioned it. I'm a little slow on the news uptake, what can I say?

So the cutest thing happened yesterday. N and I were in church (yeah, I know...just skip over that part and continue with the story) and as we were getting our coats on at the end of the service this older woman who had been sitting behind us caught our attention and said, "I think you two like each other. (This probably had to do with the fact that we are never not touching.) We laughed and agreed that we did like each other, and then she asked if we were dating. She seemed shocked when I told her we were married, and even more so when N said it would be five years next month. She said, "You'd never know it." Hee hee. That made us giddy all day.

Twilight

2008-11-10T16:34:00.004-06:00

I am completely addicted to the Twilight series. Yes, I am an adult. And I'm an avid reader who usually has more discerning taste. ( I say usually because I'm also in love with Harry Potter.) But I can't help it, the books are so fun!

I started with Twilight because I read the back of the book in the store and it really made me laugh. This is what it says:

About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him–and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be–that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Seriously? So N bought it for me for Christmas, and then I was hooked. I've always loved vampires, and Edward has some traits in common with one of the loves of my life. Now I love the whole series, but he first one is my favorite. And now there's going to be a movie!! Yeah!!

Except, movies made from books usually suck. So I'm waiting with bated breath to see if this one can actually live up to the book. And I already don't like the cast. Cedric Diggory, or whatever his real name is, isn't Edward, but he's grown on me a little with the trailers I've seen. The girl who is playing Bella has not. I can't wait to see it and then spend days complaining about it!!

I also saw online there's a bunch of themed t-shirts and stuff, and I'm seriously thinking of buying one. I'm such a geek.

I love Queen!

2008-11-07T22:38:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago N and I went to see the Minnesota Orchestra play the music of Queen. They also featured a six member Finnish a capella group doing the vocals. Apparently they are huge in Finland, which I believe after hearing them. I believe the connection is that the current conductor of the orchestra, Osmo Vanska (there are some umlauds involved there but I don't know how to get them) is Finnish.

It was an amazing show. I love going to the orchestra, I love a capella music, and I love Queen. The trifecta. And it delivered, big. So much of Queen's music was written to be played this way, and the a capella group (Rajaton- Finnish for boundless) sang beautifully with the orchestra. They did get to do two songs a capella - Under Pressure and Don't Stop Me Now. Unbelievable.

I was just mesmerized the whole time, and when they did You Take My Breath Away the tears were just rolling down my face. I loved being there with N, and it was so wonderful that he was excited to go. It just really made me miss A, he would have loved it. Now that I've really been working on the memoir I've been thinking of him a lot. But in that king of moment, he'll always be with me.

let down again

2008-11-06T11:31:00.004-06:00

This is the last time that I am going to write about this. At least until it's no longer an issue. And I actually just wrote this whole thing and lost it when it wouldn't post. More aggravation.

I am not pregnant. Again. There was a test yesterday and it was negative. When I got the call I left work and went home so N and I could have a big pity party. And now I feel better. Not great, mind you, but better. I know that it will work out eventually, one way or another. Keep on trucking, and all that.

I am, by nature, a happy person. Even when sad, horrible things happen, I feel it and then recover pretty quickly. I mean, my brain has a natural drive to be in a good mood. Of course, that doesn't mean I can stop myself from experiencing the sadness over and over again. But my general happiness will come back soon after a blow. In some ways, I guess that's good. But sometimes I wish I could accomplish longer periods of initial sadness and just get it out of my system.

Part of the horribleness this time around is that I told too many people, against even my own better judgment. So yesterday and today there have been sad faces and well wishers to contend witn, including my sobbing mother. It's so nice that people care, but I would rather be miserable in secret. Which is why this is the last related post. From now on, the official party line is, "No comment." I can neither confirm nor deny the stage of the invitro project, only that it is still in progress.

Voting

2008-11-04T14:29:00.003-06:00

I voted! The advantage of living in a small town that makes people draw their jaw and repeat the name everytime you tell them where you live because they think a 45 minute commute is unthinkable, is that you don't have to wait long to vote.* Or at all, which is sweet. Even sweeter that the polling place is approximately 2 minutes from your house and on the way to the free way. Yay! So I voted, and I got a sticker, and I still got to work on time. Rock on.

Now I have to endure the rest of the day, and maybe until tomorrow, before the outcome is announced. And I thought the commercials would stop today, but the radio was tripled up on them on my way to work. Talk about last minute desperation.

Anyway, go out and vote. My opinions are well-known, but regardless of who you vot for, get out and do it. Happy voting!!

*And the advantage to writing in a blog rather than writing actual literature is that you can use amazingly long run-on sentences that no one will try to edit. :)

hatemail

2008-11-03T20:47:00.002-06:00

Today I got my first hateful comment. Yay! Now I feel like a real blogger.

At first I was glad that I had the opportunity to not publish the load of bull that the idiot wrote, but now I almost wish I had saved it so people could see how sick some people are. I won't say what his website is because he doesn't deserve free advertising. Let's just say he didn't like my opinion on abortions. On his website there are pictures supposedly of aborted babies. Clearly, these would be partial-birth abortions, which is not your standard, first-term abortion. Also, I am pro-choice. That is not the opposite of pro-life, it's a middle ground. But when you're a fanatic, you don't notice subtleties, so I don't know why I bothered to mention it.

I am very happy that the election is tomorrow because I am sick of being forced to believe that otherwise intelligent people may want Sarah Palin in office. But no matter tomorrow's outcome, my politics won't change. Hate me for it, but that's who I am.

the power of bumper stickers

2008-10-30T17:05:00.004-05:00

I have finally figured out the reason that I don't have any bumper stickers. I just don't have the energy for it. I think of getting them all the time when I see good ones, but I don't think I could handle the responsibility.

When I see a bumper sticker on a car, I take it pretty seriously. I form an opinion of the person driving the car based on the bumper sticker. Think about it: the person had to feel strongly enough about whatever the message is to go buy that bumper sticker and physically put it on their car. So it must reflect on them. I see a McCain-Palin sticker or, even worse, one that says "I (heart)^ Sarah" **shudders** - I form an opinion. And it's not a good one. I want to look at the car and the person in it. Are they well-off? Do they look evil? Do they care that they are driving a gas guzzling H3 down a freeway in a city, wasting resources just because they can?? Ahem.^^

On the other hand, if I see a cool one -
Aslan is on the move
If you're against abortion don't have one
Obama for change
Coexist (which is made up of various religious symbols I can't get on here)
Ankh if you love Isis
-then I feel connected to that person. I try to catch their eye to show my appreciation for their groovy ways. But then I'm sure they think my smile is creepy, because they are probably not thinking every second they are driving about the bumper sticker they bought. And I would be. I would be waiting for reactions from other drivers. Which is why I cannot handle the responsibility of a bumper sticker.

I maybe shouldn't have the responsibility of driving and reading them either. Because if I see one more sticker that says something like "Marriage = (man stick figure) + (woman stick figure)"
I just might ram the car. #

^ It's supposed to be a heart symbol but, again, I'm having a symbol issue.

^^ I know some people might react negatively to my political views. But I don't care. If you are seriously voting for that women, you are beyond saving anyway.

#It's interesting to note that in wingdings I can get a man figure, but not a woman. So I could depict gay marriage. But seriously, how does the possibility of two men (or women) living happily together in marriage sully the whole institution, if Britney doesn't? What business of your is it anyway? And if you are married, and you think someone else's marriage may effect yours, maybe yours isn't so great.

Sharing

2008-10-28T16:20:00.004-05:00

I had a really great moment with a coworker today. I was sharing an anecdote related to Native American wisdom (long story, but maybe I'll tell you later) and in context I had to mention my first husband, which led to questions, of course. Before I know it, I'm spilling my guts about A to this coworker. Of course, I've had him on my mind a lot lately, even more than usual, because of the memoir I'm working on. But it's been a while since I spilled like that to anyone but N.

I've always liked this coworker, and I think we get along well. But this level of sharing was unexpected. She cried. Not sobbing or anything, but there were tears. It felt really good. It made me realize that the sharing really is cathartic, and I want to do it more. I'm really hoping to continue writing this memoir until it's finished, and not just until the end of the class, which is more my usual style.

Speaking of sharing, I finally announced to the world (or my very small piece of it) that this blog was here. I only got one comment here (thanks to comebacknikki!) but I got a few email comments too. A friend from many moons ago left me a note and shared that she was in a new and good relationship, and that is awesome. I'm super happy for her, and for the fact that we found each other again. We were elementary school friends and it went into high school, but we sort of lost touch. I'm sure I turned into a crappy friend. Anyway, we had been close. And I had been close to her mom as well, who passed away when we were young and I still miss. So I think the interneet, for all its many evils, provides a lot of smiles with sharing and reconnecting.

That's my cheesy soapbox for the day. Go forth, and share with old friends and new...

self-improvement

2008-10-27T15:59:00.002-05:00

I think I'm growing as a person. :) Yesterday was the baptism of my goddaughter, L, and it was such a good day. Well, aside from the fact that I have a few issues with L's daddy's family, but we'll put that aside for now. They're not MY in-laws, after all. And thank gods for that.

But it was good for me in that I had no jealous, envious feelings about the parents having a baby while I didn't. Which I usually do. It's hard not to feel that way, and I thought the baptism would put me over the edge. But L was such a beautiful baby, and so good, I couldn't help but be in a good mood. And I got some three month pictures of her, so I have plenty for my brag book now.

I guess part of it is that I know we have an impending date to maybe have our own good news. Right now it's buoying me up, but if the news turns bad... I don't even want to think about that. I know it will work out, one way or another.

Memoir Writing

2008-10-23T16:51:00.003-05:00

Lat night I started a memoir writing class. It's through the Guthrie, and excellent theater in Minneapolis, two hours per class, one night a week for 4 weeks. I have been so excited since I signed up for it three weeks ago. The sad thing is, only 2 other people showed up. I guess it's the economy...the class is $100...because I've seen great turnouts at other Guthrie classes. At first, I thought it was only myself and another guy. He's a man in his sixties, pretty athletic, and a little full of himself. There are things that I like about him, but the instructor and I were both at our wits' end after him saying he would not be interested in sharing his work or critiquing others' work...I mean, it's a workshop class! What else is there? Then a girl showed up, my age or a little younger, and she's really cool and I'll stay in the class for her. I think the instructor was very worried, then felt better when she showed up. And now she's offered to share her work too, so it will be like a class of four, which still isn't ideal for a workshop but is tons better than two.

I really like the instructor. I think she seems like a great person, but possibly not the most qualified to teach memoir writing per se. She has a self-published book of poems, and the one she read last night I really liked. So I think it will be fun, but also bizarre.

The point of this, of course, is to turn my random scramblings about A into some coherent whole, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. It's just that all the memories and emotions get overwhelming sometimes, and I think writing about it all will be very cathartic. And over the years I have tried and done a piece here and there, but now I think it's time to really dig in and deal with this.

Don't talk politics with me...

2008-10-07T16:26:00.002-05:00

I have this friend that always dishes it out, yet can never take it. He's a work friend, but he's more than that too. We connect really well, and I love him to death. But this habit of his makes me mean somedays.

The problem stems from the fact that we have differing political opinions. At least in theory. I mean, in name he calls himself a Republican. This is a problem for me, as I am seriously liberal. Though you'll notice that I don't say Democrat. He chooses "Republican" as a label, over "conservative." This is something that came up early in our friendship. We've known each other about a year now. Lately, when I mention to someone that he is "Republican" he says something like, "I don't label myself." But he had no problem doing so when we first met. Now, with the election, and the general hatred of W., (not to mention the fact that he has admitted to me he would not vote for W. in hindsight) he suddenly doesn't like labels. Ahem.

(As an aside, the reason I ever tell people about his political leanings at all is when they wonder why two people who are essentially attached at the hip are suddenly arguing. We are famous for being a twosome at work, and I think our political differences will soon be famous as well.)

So on certain days T (that's his name for now) will decide that he wants to antagonize A (that's me). He will make a jab that has nothing to do with the current conversation. For example, when teasing him about asking me to show him how to do something on the computer for the third time, he will respond with, "Those Democrats, always holding a grudge." My natural response is, "We wouldn't have anything to hoild a grudge about if not for the Republicans' antics." His response to that is to roll his eyes, take a deep breath, and act overly offended that I am "always attacking him." Yeah.

So, ignoring the fact that he always refers to me as a Democrat, which I have told him is really not the case, it also annoys me that he starts a fight he can't finish. I'll be the first to admit that I don't like my beliefs maligned. I believe things for a reason, as I've already blogged about. So of course I will defend myself. And I will do it every time I am poked. I finally had that talk with him today, so we'll how how it goes...

love, blessings

2008-09-29T11:37:00.003-05:00

Charles Baxter wrote, "When you’re in love you don’t have to do a damn thing. You can just be. You can just stay quiet in the world. You don’t have to move an inch."

I think that’s really true. I’m blessed to be in love, and I think we do a lot of staying quiet together, just being, not moving an inch. And I think it’s great, because all the hustle and bustle of being single, even watching another person do it, is so tiring. And really, isn’t all of that hustle and bustle just an attempt to find a person with whom you can get to the place where you can just stay quiet together? So finally getting there, being there, is blissful.

Except I don’t think that’s true for a lot of people. I am always listening to women at work bitching about their S.O. And then they act as if it’s a rite. Of course they have complaints, because that’s how things are supposed to be. And the fact that I have nothing to complain about with N just means we haven’t been together long enough. If I wait for it, there will come a time when I have nothing good to say about him, when I’ll be glad he’s away for a night, a weekend, even better a whole week! Well I think that’s sad. Why do we have to drift into these stereotypical responses?

N and I have been married almost five years, together for 6.5. That’s not a phenomenally long time, but it’s a bit of time. And in that bit of time I have never regretted being with him, never wished he would go away, never had the urge to vent to "the girls" about him. I wanted to be with him in the first place because I love who he is, and I still do. That’s not to say that he’s perfect, or that I am or we are. But there is never a day when I am not grateful for him in my life.

This may sound like boasting, and I guess it is. I don’t mean to come across that way. For people who are in genuinely unhappy relationships, I am very sorry. But in general, I think women who are in good relationships still find things to vent about, because it’s fashionable. But N and I don’t talk that way to each other, how fair would it be to him for me to turn around and talk about him in public? I say keep your laundry, whether it be clean or dirty, in your own house. If people could practice being grateful a little more, I think they’d find it catching.

I think it's nice to sit still with N. And we have been so stressed and unstill lately due to the whole fertility fracas. I try so hard not to get in the dumps about it, or whine, but it's hard. I try to remind myself that if I start asking "Why me?" about the bad things, I'll have to ask about the good things too. And although I've had some definite downs, I think my life has been mostly ups. I don't want to forget that. I want to take the time to appreciate all the ups as they come.

Sports Fan

2008-09-27T19:58:00.002-05:00

You know you're a baseball fan when you leave the stadium after your home team's disappointing loss and immediately turn the radio to another game to make sure the rivals are also losing. Even better when you get home and, since you have to turn off the radio, run in and find the game on television. If the White Sox lose tonight,the Twins won't have completely screwed themselves by losing this afternoon.

It's interesting to me that I am so into this now, since I used to hate sports. Well, I thought I did. But I never liked gaming until A taught me how to do it right either. And N loves sports, so when we got together he made it fun for me too. The first time I went to the Metrodome I fell in love. It was so cool to see it all in person, hear all the fans, smell the hot dogs. :) Of course, back then I didn't eat them, but I've recently trained my stomach, because it's so much more fun with a Dome dog! The first season I really only cared if we were there. But then I started to get to know the players, and I would watch a little bit if I came across the game on television. Then I started tuning in on the radio on the way home from work. By now, I'm hooked. I'm not obsessed...I don't memorize stats or watch every game. But I have played fantasy baseball, and I do find myself watching other games that have an effect on the Twins' season. :)

I also enjoy watching basketball with N. He says baseball is his number one sport too,but I think he loves basketball more, but enjoys me loving baseball. Anyway, basketball I mostly like when we go to the game. If we watch at home I'm mostly reading and just looking up to check the score or to see a good replay. Football I mostly just put up with. I don't mind if it's on,and I think I mostly get the rules now, but it's not exciting. Unless Peyton Manning is playing, because he's hilarious. :)

So yeah, I guess I'm a sports fan. Who knew?