The Big Lie

I haven't posted in over 2 years. And I don't know, even though I may wish it, that I am really a blogger. It takes a level of committment I don't think I'm capable of, and I also don't think I'm all that interesting. But there's a topic in m head, and it's too big for Facebook, so here I am.

N and I have a few friends in marriages that are failing. It's very scary, having this happen so close to use, and it really makes us appreciate each other more. But I'm sad for my friends and I wish I could help. And lately, in several situations, this conversation has come up about marriage, and being attracted to other people, and what people say really bothers me.

Contrary to the fairy tale, once you fall in love with someone and decide to make a committment, you don't become blind to the rest of the world. There are other attractive men and women out there, and people who will charm you and interest you and make you smile. And that's okay. I heard a young woman on the radio saying something like, "No, once I marry someone he will think I am the only girl in the world and will never even see anyone else." And I think that is so dangerous.

The following scenario can happen with either gender in either place, I know, but I'm writing based on my recent observations. If a man knows that the woman he loves feels that she must be, to him, every woman once they are together, and that he must be blind to all other, he will start to lie. It may be small at first, but small lies lead to bigger ones. If he must pretend he never sees another woman as attractive, then he won't tell her the girl on the street is pretty. And then he won't tell her his coworker is pretty, and intersting too. And then not telling her about the conversations he has with the pretty coworker will seem thrilling. Then he'll push it further, and kiss the coworker, because this secrecy thing is pretty exciting. And on it goes.

Now, look. I know this is pretty simplified. And I also know that a man who will cheat will likely cheat no matter the circemstances, and a man who won't, won't. But I think it is dangerous to put boundaries between you because of a little insecurity. I also would like to point out that letting your eyes wander all day long and telling your wife constantly that other women are more attractive is not the behavior I'm recommending here. I'm merely saying this. If the man in the scenario had come home and told his wife his new coworker was pretty, (and his wife was a reasonable human being) they could have talked about it. Maybe even had a little fantasy. Or maybe invite her for coffee. Put them all in a situation where they see each other. Leave out the possibility for the thrilling secrecy.

My husband and I occasionally comment on other people. We get hit on and share stories later. We talk about minor crushes. And we trust each other completely. Because what reason would I have to cheat when I know I can discuss it with someone who really loves me unconditionally? I know I'm not a 10, but those 10s out there don't have the history that I have with N. They don't have a scar from having his baby, and they don't know what movie will make him cry or what he'll order from any given restaurant. They are new and excting, yes, but we can have new and exciting conversatiuons about them and move on from the experience together. The notion that we stop being attracted to toher people is ridiculous, and I think it lends itself to a lot of broken hearts.

I also know that I am married to an exceptional person, for which I am forever grateful. But I think people in general need to trust each other more.

6 months

I can't even remember the last time I wrote. Time has been flying! C turned six months yesterday, and I swear it has been the fastest six months of my life. He is such an amazing baby. We took more than six years to get him, and now all the tears and doctor visits and all the times we heard the word "no" seem like nothing. He was so worth the wait, he is exactly what he prayed for. Like we spent all that time making a list of qualities, with every little fantasy we had we were building a list, and he is exactly all of that. Does that make sense? It's not like we wanted a baby and we got a baby, it's like we wanted a particular baby and we got that one. He's awesome. He's sweet and funny and smart and...just awesome. So there you go. Enough bragging for now. Off to enjoy the rest of a rare day off...

Mommy

As it turned out, I had to be induced. Then I ended up having a c-section. C came on 10/27/10, and it was the best day of my life. N says it was the worst day of his life because he hated seeing me in pain, but then became the best day when the baby finally arrived. He is beautiful. I mean, of course I think so, but other people say so too, so it must be true. I'm still on maternity leave, until Jan 17th, and I am loving it. I have never been this happy.

But today we visited his daycare, and I cried when we left. It's a nice place, and the teachers are nice, but I cannot imagine leaving him with strangers. I know I have to go back to work. I even want to - I love my job. But I wish I oculd have the best of both worlds. Maybe carry him around in a Snuggli all day. It will only be 4 days a week - N will be with him on Fridays, which rocks. But after being home with Mommy all day every day for 12 weeks, suddenly leaving him there for 8 hours, 4 days a week, seems so mean. And he'll be the littlest one in his room. All the other kids are crawling, and one is walking! He can't fend for himself. Not that I expect him to need to, but...

I know in my head that I am doing the right thing. But my heart is terrified. I have this week and next week to get used to the idea. And to cuddle him like it's going out fo style!

Late

Today is October 21st, two days after my due date. I said through my whole pregnancy that I didn't want the baby to come early - I wanted him to be fully cooked. Also, I have loved being pregnant, and didn't want it to end. I was not all uncomfortable, like many pregnant women, so I saw no reason for it to end. And even now, I'm only intermittently uncomfortable and I feel fine enough to still be working. But my emotions are getting the better of me, and I wonder why he doesn't want to come out?? N says it's because I've provided such a good home, which sounds nice. Also, I'm sick of everyone asking me all the time...You're still here?...You haven't had the baby yet?...Are you feeling anything? Seriously, when it happens, you'll know! Especially my mom. I really appreciate her being here to help me out, but also she's driving me crazy already. Mayeb he will come tonight or this weekend.

38 weeks

Yesterday I was 38 weeks. At my 37 week visit the doctor said I was 3 cm dilated, and I got all freaked out, thinking the baby was coming any moment. Yesterday i went back and he said 3 1/2, so now I know it's tru what people say, it could go on like that for weeks. Which is good, because I don't want it to be over.

It took a long time to settle in to the idea of being pregnant, after waiting so long for it. So at first there was a lot fo anxiety. And then the gestational diabetes. And then the low amniotic fluid. But overall I've been very healthy - no migraines the whole time, and I hanven't caught any of those cold bugs that have been going around. Even when I was on bed rest those few days I felt good, and the baby was healthy. A while after the baby started moving, which I first felt on June 13th, I started losing the anxiety and getting really happy about it. And I have loved being pregnant. I think even more so because I know it's likely to be my only one. I mean, we're definitely no doing in vitro again - we couldn't afford it. So it may happen naturally, which would be great. But if not, I am so grateful to have this one. And I will definitely have fond memories of this pregnancy.

My mom is on her way to my house now, which is good. I feel better knowing she'll be here at the beginning. And my sister is coming too. I'm a little anxious about how and when and where things will really get started, but I'm not letting myself be anxious about the labor. It has to happen no matter what, so why worry? I'm sure N will be an amazing coach, and we'll get through it together. It's weird how I am so excited to meet the baby, and also so sad at the prospect of the pregnancy being over.

Yay!

Yay! I'm back in the normal range!!

We went in this morning, and for my fifth ultrasound I finally got a tech I had had before. She was the one who first discovered the low levels, so we thanked her for that. And today she found us back in the normal range. I could pretty much tell, after watching it beng measured so many times. But it was nice to hear her say it. Then the doctor called a while later and sounded so relieved. He said he's treating four other women for the same issue right now, so he has decided it is definitely this weather. But I beat the weather with all my water drinking! Yay!!

Also, today's ultrasound was so fun, because my little boy was on the move! Every time the poor girl tried to measure something, he would move and she'd have to refind it and try again. It was so cool to see it on the screen while I was feeling it. He's usually active, but today was the most active so far.

Last night we had week 2 of our baby class and we talked all about labor and watched a video. Okay. First, I'm a nurse. I don't get grossed out or freaked out by the body for the most part. (I have a thing about phlegm for some reason, but that's really it.) Second, I saw a live birth when I was in clinicals. It was the most beautiful, most moving thing I have ever seen. But now that I have a baby inside me that needs to come out, the whole idea seemd TERRIFYING. Like I said to Noah, we concentrated so hard for so long on getting the baby in there, that I didn't think much about getting it out. I know it will prbably be okay. But I did think I might cry last night.

Just another minor issue...

It's always something. The newest thing is my amniotic fluid. It was low, and I had to be on bedrest for several days. Missing work sounds fun, but when it's doctor's orders, not so much. And especially not when all you are allowed to do is lay down and chug water. But it paid off, because the fluid came back. So on Monday morning I was sent back to work. And tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound and I hope it is still all good, because I really don't want to waste any more days off. I need all that paid time off for when the little bugger comes out.

By the way, we now know what the baby is. So don't keep reading if you don't like spoilers. It's a boy! I am so excited! I have always wanted a son, and I can't wait to meet him.

He is moving and shaking in there, which I suppose should be a good sign, but when the amniotic fluid was practically non-existent he was still doing that. He must be a hardy lad. Waiting with bated breath for tomorrow's results...