The Big Lie

I haven't posted in over 2 years. And I don't know, even though I may wish it, that I am really a blogger. It takes a level of committment I don't think I'm capable of, and I also don't think I'm all that interesting. But there's a topic in m head, and it's too big for Facebook, so here I am.

N and I have a few friends in marriages that are failing. It's very scary, having this happen so close to use, and it really makes us appreciate each other more. But I'm sad for my friends and I wish I could help. And lately, in several situations, this conversation has come up about marriage, and being attracted to other people, and what people say really bothers me.

Contrary to the fairy tale, once you fall in love with someone and decide to make a committment, you don't become blind to the rest of the world. There are other attractive men and women out there, and people who will charm you and interest you and make you smile. And that's okay. I heard a young woman on the radio saying something like, "No, once I marry someone he will think I am the only girl in the world and will never even see anyone else." And I think that is so dangerous.

The following scenario can happen with either gender in either place, I know, but I'm writing based on my recent observations. If a man knows that the woman he loves feels that she must be, to him, every woman once they are together, and that he must be blind to all other, he will start to lie. It may be small at first, but small lies lead to bigger ones. If he must pretend he never sees another woman as attractive, then he won't tell her the girl on the street is pretty. And then he won't tell her his coworker is pretty, and intersting too. And then not telling her about the conversations he has with the pretty coworker will seem thrilling. Then he'll push it further, and kiss the coworker, because this secrecy thing is pretty exciting. And on it goes.

Now, look. I know this is pretty simplified. And I also know that a man who will cheat will likely cheat no matter the circemstances, and a man who won't, won't. But I think it is dangerous to put boundaries between you because of a little insecurity. I also would like to point out that letting your eyes wander all day long and telling your wife constantly that other women are more attractive is not the behavior I'm recommending here. I'm merely saying this. If the man in the scenario had come home and told his wife his new coworker was pretty, (and his wife was a reasonable human being) they could have talked about it. Maybe even had a little fantasy. Or maybe invite her for coffee. Put them all in a situation where they see each other. Leave out the possibility for the thrilling secrecy.

My husband and I occasionally comment on other people. We get hit on and share stories later. We talk about minor crushes. And we trust each other completely. Because what reason would I have to cheat when I know I can discuss it with someone who really loves me unconditionally? I know I'm not a 10, but those 10s out there don't have the history that I have with N. They don't have a scar from having his baby, and they don't know what movie will make him cry or what he'll order from any given restaurant. They are new and excting, yes, but we can have new and exciting conversatiuons about them and move on from the experience together. The notion that we stop being attracted to toher people is ridiculous, and I think it lends itself to a lot of broken hearts.

I also know that I am married to an exceptional person, for which I am forever grateful. But I think people in general need to trust each other more.

6 months

I can't even remember the last time I wrote. Time has been flying! C turned six months yesterday, and I swear it has been the fastest six months of my life. He is such an amazing baby. We took more than six years to get him, and now all the tears and doctor visits and all the times we heard the word "no" seem like nothing. He was so worth the wait, he is exactly what he prayed for. Like we spent all that time making a list of qualities, with every little fantasy we had we were building a list, and he is exactly all of that. Does that make sense? It's not like we wanted a baby and we got a baby, it's like we wanted a particular baby and we got that one. He's awesome. He's sweet and funny and smart and...just awesome. So there you go. Enough bragging for now. Off to enjoy the rest of a rare day off...

Mommy

As it turned out, I had to be induced. Then I ended up having a c-section. C came on 10/27/10, and it was the best day of my life. N says it was the worst day of his life because he hated seeing me in pain, but then became the best day when the baby finally arrived. He is beautiful. I mean, of course I think so, but other people say so too, so it must be true. I'm still on maternity leave, until Jan 17th, and I am loving it. I have never been this happy.

But today we visited his daycare, and I cried when we left. It's a nice place, and the teachers are nice, but I cannot imagine leaving him with strangers. I know I have to go back to work. I even want to - I love my job. But I wish I oculd have the best of both worlds. Maybe carry him around in a Snuggli all day. It will only be 4 days a week - N will be with him on Fridays, which rocks. But after being home with Mommy all day every day for 12 weeks, suddenly leaving him there for 8 hours, 4 days a week, seems so mean. And he'll be the littlest one in his room. All the other kids are crawling, and one is walking! He can't fend for himself. Not that I expect him to need to, but...

I know in my head that I am doing the right thing. But my heart is terrified. I have this week and next week to get used to the idea. And to cuddle him like it's going out fo style!

Late

Today is October 21st, two days after my due date. I said through my whole pregnancy that I didn't want the baby to come early - I wanted him to be fully cooked. Also, I have loved being pregnant, and didn't want it to end. I was not all uncomfortable, like many pregnant women, so I saw no reason for it to end. And even now, I'm only intermittently uncomfortable and I feel fine enough to still be working. But my emotions are getting the better of me, and I wonder why he doesn't want to come out?? N says it's because I've provided such a good home, which sounds nice. Also, I'm sick of everyone asking me all the time...You're still here?...You haven't had the baby yet?...Are you feeling anything? Seriously, when it happens, you'll know! Especially my mom. I really appreciate her being here to help me out, but also she's driving me crazy already. Mayeb he will come tonight or this weekend.

38 weeks

Yesterday I was 38 weeks. At my 37 week visit the doctor said I was 3 cm dilated, and I got all freaked out, thinking the baby was coming any moment. Yesterday i went back and he said 3 1/2, so now I know it's tru what people say, it could go on like that for weeks. Which is good, because I don't want it to be over.

It took a long time to settle in to the idea of being pregnant, after waiting so long for it. So at first there was a lot fo anxiety. And then the gestational diabetes. And then the low amniotic fluid. But overall I've been very healthy - no migraines the whole time, and I hanven't caught any of those cold bugs that have been going around. Even when I was on bed rest those few days I felt good, and the baby was healthy. A while after the baby started moving, which I first felt on June 13th, I started losing the anxiety and getting really happy about it. And I have loved being pregnant. I think even more so because I know it's likely to be my only one. I mean, we're definitely no doing in vitro again - we couldn't afford it. So it may happen naturally, which would be great. But if not, I am so grateful to have this one. And I will definitely have fond memories of this pregnancy.

My mom is on her way to my house now, which is good. I feel better knowing she'll be here at the beginning. And my sister is coming too. I'm a little anxious about how and when and where things will really get started, but I'm not letting myself be anxious about the labor. It has to happen no matter what, so why worry? I'm sure N will be an amazing coach, and we'll get through it together. It's weird how I am so excited to meet the baby, and also so sad at the prospect of the pregnancy being over.

Yay!

Yay! I'm back in the normal range!!

We went in this morning, and for my fifth ultrasound I finally got a tech I had had before. She was the one who first discovered the low levels, so we thanked her for that. And today she found us back in the normal range. I could pretty much tell, after watching it beng measured so many times. But it was nice to hear her say it. Then the doctor called a while later and sounded so relieved. He said he's treating four other women for the same issue right now, so he has decided it is definitely this weather. But I beat the weather with all my water drinking! Yay!!

Also, today's ultrasound was so fun, because my little boy was on the move! Every time the poor girl tried to measure something, he would move and she'd have to refind it and try again. It was so cool to see it on the screen while I was feeling it. He's usually active, but today was the most active so far.

Last night we had week 2 of our baby class and we talked all about labor and watched a video. Okay. First, I'm a nurse. I don't get grossed out or freaked out by the body for the most part. (I have a thing about phlegm for some reason, but that's really it.) Second, I saw a live birth when I was in clinicals. It was the most beautiful, most moving thing I have ever seen. But now that I have a baby inside me that needs to come out, the whole idea seemd TERRIFYING. Like I said to Noah, we concentrated so hard for so long on getting the baby in there, that I didn't think much about getting it out. I know it will prbably be okay. But I did think I might cry last night.

Just another minor issue...

It's always something. The newest thing is my amniotic fluid. It was low, and I had to be on bedrest for several days. Missing work sounds fun, but when it's doctor's orders, not so much. And especially not when all you are allowed to do is lay down and chug water. But it paid off, because the fluid came back. So on Monday morning I was sent back to work. And tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound and I hope it is still all good, because I really don't want to waste any more days off. I need all that paid time off for when the little bugger comes out.

By the way, we now know what the baby is. So don't keep reading if you don't like spoilers. It's a boy! I am so excited! I have always wanted a son, and I can't wait to meet him.

He is moving and shaking in there, which I suppose should be a good sign, but when the amniotic fluid was practically non-existent he was still doing that. He must be a hardy lad. Waiting with bated breath for tomorrow's results...

The WHOLE stroy

On December 5, 2003 N and I got married. We honeymooned on a cruise in the western caribbean the last week of January. And after that, we decided it was time to start our family. I went off birth control, and after five months, I finally got a period. I realize this should have been a clue, but there you go. Once that happened, we decided to actually try. Five months of nothing went by, and during that last month I was spitting on a mini microscope every day to see if I was ovulating. Nothing. I mentioned this to my NP, who is great. She thought that I probably had PCOS, and sent me for tests. This is great, because you usually have to try for a year before they will do any fertility testing.

Turns out I did have PCOS, which you can read about if you click the link. It basically means I don't ovulate, so we had to find a way to get around that. The first thing they did was give me Metformin, a diabetic medication. When this med came out it was cheap and it worked, so they gave it a lot. Then they noticed a lot of diabetic women getting pregnant. Lots of diabetic women also have PCOS. So they did a separate study, and found that some 50% pus of women with PCOS started ovulating once on Metformin. Guess who didn't?

Then we moved on to oral meds. I tried two doses of Clomid, the most common oral infertility treatment. Nothing. Then we tried Letrozole, another oral agent. Still nothing. Keep in mind, each time we try a new med there's a procss. First you take birth control for a month (I know, seems counterproductive), wait for a period, and then you have ultrasounds to check uterine lining, then take the pills on a schedule and ocntinue the ultrasounds until they see if ovulation happens. If not, back to the drawing board.

Once both of those meds were tried, we moved on to injections. Again with the birth control, have a cycle, start injecting yourself on a day determined by formulas and ultrasounds. They're SQ injections, just a small needle into the fatlayer (of which I have quite a bit). Every day for 31 days I injected myself, until there was an ultrasound when they actually saw progress! I had four follicles that were growing, and could possible be ovulated. That night I gave myself an IM injection in the thigh, to jumpstart ovulation. N and I had to get it on 12 hours later, then 24 hours after that. At the time, the doctors had asked me would I consider "selective reduction" should all four eggs be fertilized. No way, man. By this time, we'd been at it for about three years, and we were taking whatever we could get. Turns out, none fertilized anyway.

At this point, the doctors told us that if we tried injections again, we'd definitely get multiple eggs, or none. If we opted for in vitro fertilization, they could get all the eggs out to fertilize, then control what they put in, so I wouldn't have a litter. So we signed up.

First, you have to attend an informational meeting. Then you have to be assessed by a psychologist. You have to have a general physical. You have to plan how you're going to pay for it. In vitro is not cheap, but we had a great plan with the U. It's a cost sharing plan, built to help out women who were not succesful. You pay the fee, and after three harvest attempts, if you have no baby you get 80% back - which you could use for adoption. Seemed like a great idea. So we jumped through all the hoops and got enrolled in the program.

I should mention that in these years I also got a needle stick at work, from a resident who turned out to have Hep C. So baby making got put off for six months while I figured out I didn't get it. Whew. Also, N's mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital for six weeks. Then my mom came to town six months later and had her own heart attack. All these things made it hard to keep on schedule.

So we finally get enrolled for IVF, and the whole process gets started. I forgot to mention, too, that before the birth control I had to take hormones to make me get a period, since I never did on my own anymore, then start the pill, have a nother cycle, start injections again. This time, after they monitored with every other day ultrasounds, they had me come in to the clinic when the eggs were ready (after another IM injection), and they removed them. Which was good because my ovaries were the size of softballs, and it was starting to hurt to walk. They knock you out, then use a teeny needle on the end of a catheter, go in the business way and suck the eggs out of the ovaries. When you wake up, you ask your husband how many they got. From me? 32. Crazy talk.

Side story- the nurse anesthetist told N that when I came out of it, I would ask how many. But that I might not be clear yet, because of the sedative, so if I asked again, just to tell me again. He told him, no matter how many times she asks, just answer like it's the first time. After I woke up and asked him, I remember asking if it was the first time, and N said yes. Maybe he told the truth.

Anyway, N sat with me until i was clear, then took a trip down the hall to give a sample. They put us together in a couple of petri dishes, and we got 24 fertilized eggs. This happened on N's 29th birthday - August 26th, 2008. They let them grow a few days to watch the quality, and freeze the good ones. They froze 17.

In October, I got the first frozen embryo transfer. You again do the cycling meds, then start progesterone injections, twice daily in the butt muscle, and an oral hormone as well. The day of the transfer you take ibuprofen and valium, then head to the clinic. You get to see the embryos they have thawed out under the microscope. Although they really only look like little bubbles, it takes your breath away. Then you lay on the table, and they use a catheter to put them (two embryos at a time) into your uterus. It takes about ten minutes, then you lay flat another ten. They recommend bed rest the rest of that day. Ten days later you go in for a blood draw, then again two days after that. They don't tell you the first results, because there are a lot of false readings, I guess.

That first attempt, nothing took. I felt guilty for not extending the bed rest. So for try number two in January 2009, I did it on a Thursday, had Thursday and Friday off from work, and then kept myself on at least couch rest until Monday. It worked. I got the call on day twelve saying that I was pregnannt. But the hcg numbers weren't as high as they would like. So N and I tried to celebrate, but it was nerve-wracking. A week later I got my blood drawn again, the numbers were good. Yay! About two and half weeks after that, I had an ultrasound, to confirm. There was a baby in there, but it was measuring small. They said come back in after a week to monitor. When we went back in, there was no heartbeat. Miscarriage.

Although I had had nothing but bad news, and therefore no way to filter what had been good news and no time to really believe it, I thought it was going to break me. To make matters worse, it wouldn't expel on its own, and I had to go in for a D&C. N and I took a trip to the Cape afterward, to try and recharge. That was March. That June, we went on a cruise to Alaska. We had decided to take the summer off, regroup, figure out the next step. The doctors were saying that the fact that I had gotten pregnant was good news, but it didn't seem that way.

The summer off turned into even more time off. We didn't know if we wanted to try again. It seemed so masochistic. But then we decided we had to give it one last try. We had the third transfer on January 29, 2010. They had thawed out two embryos and one didn't make it. So they thawed a new pair, and those were transferred. Twelve days later, they said I was pregnant. Again, though, the hcg was a little low. Retest was good. First ultrasound happened and all looked good, but they wanted a follow-up, because of my history. Second ultrasound was good. They dismised us to an OB clinic.

Finally, it seemed like we could be happy. Things were gong well! We saw the OB at ten weeks, we told people at 12 (almost 13 - I was reluctant). Regular apointments have been going well. And still, I would say we are cautious. It just seems impossible that after six years, this could rally be happening for us.

Last thursday, I had to do the one hour glucose test and I failed. I did the three-hour test on Wednesday and today I got the results. I failed. I have gestational diabetes.

I know that really, this whole journey has been easier than many people. And I know that watching my blood sugars won't be the end of the world. But right now, I'm devastated. I promised N and myself that I owuld not compain about anything about pregnancy if I could ever get there. And I won't. But I will just say that it has been difficult to eat in the last six months, and this will only limit me more. But really, more than the inconvenience for me, I'm scared for the baby. I really need this baby to be healthy. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. And I'm terrified I won't be able to control this.

Also, I'm angry at the clinic. I did the test Wednesday. They didn't call until Friday. It doesn't take that long, I'm a nurse, I know. Then they tell me to call and schedule an appointment with a diabetic educator and when I do, I find out they don't take apointments on Fridays. I can't do it until Monday. What the hell? If they had called yesterday i oculd have taken care of this! Not to mention, I'm going out of town on Wednesday. I have an OB appt on Tueday afternoon, and I better be able get in after that, because I can't miss any more work. Arghh!

I'm aggravated, and sad, and frustrated, and annoyed, and really scared. And that's the rest of the story.

Glucose issues

At 24 weeks, I had to take the one hour glucose test. For those of you who have been through this, you know that you have to drink the botlle of ickiness and get your blood drawn an hour later. Well, I failed it. I was supposed to be lower that 130, and I was 164. Blah. Not terribly bad, but bad enough to have to do a three hour test. Yuck. So tomorrow I have to report to the clinic in the morning, get my blood drawn, drink another bottle of ickiness, and then give a blood and urine sample every hour for three hours. Fun stuff. While I would usually not be upset about an excuse to read all morning, I am feeling guilty about not being at work for half a day. And I don't really have the type of job that allows to bring work home with me. Three people I know who have had babies in the last two and a half years told me this weekend that they also failed the one hour, and passed the three hour. I hope I'm in that boat too.

I'm 25 weeks today, and I still can't believe it. Now I can feel the baby move on a regular basis, N has felt it a few times, but not consistently. And I know I should start planing and maybe buying things, but I think I'll put it off a little longer, just to make myself feel better. I don't want to go taking anything for granted.

Short version, long to follow

I have been not writing in here recently because I had a lot to say that couldn't be said, and it was hard to talk about anything else. Now that the self-imposed gag order has been lifted, here goes:

I'M PREGNANT!

I am 24 weeks today, actually. And I have been holding out on writing about it anywhere, because this past weekend was a big Tau Centennial party, and I wanted to tell my college friends in person. So now they all know, and I can talk it about it.

Also, I have been the most nervous pregnant woman ever, and was afraid to talk in case things went awry. But last night I realized that the pregnancy is almost two-thirds over, and I need to stop freaking out and start enjoying it. Last night N was able to feel the baby kick for the first time, and his face was priceless. Of course, he said the same thing about mine when I felt it for the first time about two weeks ago. So yeah, there's a baby coming, after six years of trying, and we are over the moon.

Memes

Still in a meme mood. Stealing from comebacknikki (to whom I have been trying to link, but the computer won't let me).

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader   You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Literate Good Citizen
Book Snob
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

ABC meme


Accent: I grew up on Cape Cod, got made fun of for my accent when I went to college in Wisconsin and mostly dropped it. Now my family sayd I have a Minnesota accent. And my husband says I get the East coast back a bit if I'm on the phone with my family for a while.

Booze: I haven't had any in quite some time.

Chore I Hate: All of them. But especially anything outdoors, so those are my husband's job.

Dog or Cat: I have a dog. But I love cats too.

Essential Electronics: Cell phone, computer, digital camera

Favorite Cologne(s): I generally don't wear anything, because I work in long-term care, and the scent can bother people. If I do, I prefer body sprays, especially midnight pmegranate from Bath + Body Works.

Gold or Silver: I prefer silver, but my wedding ring is gold, and my watch has gold accents.

Hometown: South Yarmouth, MA

Insomnia: Never. I'm a sleeper.

Job Title: Assistant Director of Nursing

Kids: I'm working on it.

Living arrangements: N and I have a 4 bedroom house.

Most admirable trait: I usually remember to say thank you, and I'm sorry when appropriate.

Number of sexual partners: I don't want to say. At least two, since I've been married twice. Anything else no longer counts. :)

Overnight hospital stays: Never. All my hospital stuff has been out patient thus far.

Phobias: Spiders, the dark, being alone

Quote: "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." ~Mark Twain

Religion: We've been going to a Lutheran church lately, so I guess that's my newest label.

Siblings: Three siters, one brother, all older than me

Time I wake up: 7:30-ish on weekdays, whenever I feel like it on weekends.

Unusual talent or skill: I can say the alphabet backwards. Also, I read pretty fast. That's about it.

Vegetable I refuse to eat: Okra and eggplant

Worst habit: Eating too much and biting my nails

X-rays: ankel, hand, head, chest

Yummy foods I make: macaroni, pork + saurkraut, enchiladas

Zodiac sign: Cancer

Books!

I haven't written in a long time, and I want to but I have nothing to say right now. So here's a little something I ripped off. Thanks, Amber!

1) Which book do you irrationally cringe away from reading, despite seeing only positive reviews?
Well, my mom keeps trying to get me to read the Left Behind series, since she really enjoyed it, but I can't bring myself to do it. And I know if anyone saw me reading it I'd be ashamed.

For a long time I wouldn't read anything that got too popular, because I suspected the moron majority was using it for some evil plot, but usually now I'll read it if at least one person I trust says it was good.


2) If you could bring three characters to life for a social event (afternoon tea, a night of clubbing, perhaps a world cruise), who would they be and what would the event be?
This is a harder question than I thought it would be. Most of the characters I love in books are not people you would necessarily want to spend any time with if they were real. And the other problem is that if I brought to life a male character because I love him, I still wouldn't be the lover he wants, so that would be silly. That's the problem with bringing to life the Phouka from War for the Oaks...I wouldn't be Eddi. And also, I really love him because he's a little bit A to me. But let's see...
Death, from the Sandman for some lunch, and maybe clubbing later.
Lazarus Long, from Robert Heinlein's Future History, for long conversations and any adventure he wanted to take me on. Hopefully many members of his family would be there too(especially Mama Maureen).
The Vampire Lestat. He's probably make life intersting for a while, at the very least.



3) (Borrowing shamelessly from the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde): you are told you can’t die until you read the most boring novel on the planet. While this immortality is great for awhile, eventually you realise it’s past time to die. Which book would you expect to get you a nice grave?
Obviously this has to be a book I haven't already read and put in the boring pile. So I'm going on my guess as to a book's level of boring. Since I always think I should but have never managed to pick it up, I'm going with The Grapes of Wrath.



4) Come on, we’ve all been there. Which book have you pretended, or at least hinted, that you’ve read, when in fact you’ve been nowhere near it?
Madame Bovary. I was supposed to read it the summer before Senior year and I couldn't get into it, since I had just finished reading Atlas Shrugged, and Bovary seemed way too watered down after that.


5) You’re interviewing for the post of Official Book Advisor to some VIP (who’s not a big reader). What’s the first book you’d recommend and why? (If you feel like you’d have to know the person, go ahead and personalise the VIP).
If I personalize the VIP, it woul dbe different for every person. But something I'd offer pretty universally is American Gods, by Neil Gaiman. It's such a detailed world, and a beautiful theory, and the best book by a fantastic author.


6) A good fairy comes and grants you one wish: you will have perfect reading comprehension in the foreign language of your choice. Which language do you go with?
I think I have to go with German. There's be some really great Philosophy reading options.

7) A mischievous fairy comes and says that you must choose one book that you will reread once a year for the rest of your life (you can read other books as well). Which book would you pick?
Tough decision. Pride and Prejudice would be one that I have read almost every year, so I guess I'd pick that one.


8) I know that the book blogging community, and its various challenges, have pushed my reading borders. What’s one bookish thing you ‘discovered’ from book blogging (maybe a new genre, or author, or new appreciation for cover art-anything)?
I've never been terribly exclusive about my reading. I like to read, so I do a lot of it. But I guess I have discovered a few new authors. Ann Patchett's the one that comes to mind.


9) That good fairy is back for one final visit. Now, she’s granting you your dream library! Describe it. Is everything leather bound? Is it full of first edition hardcovers? Pristine trade paperbacks? Perhaps a few favourite authors have inscribed their works? Go ahead-let your imagination run free.
When I read Amber's list, I thought: we have the same dream library! Definitely a round room with books floor to ceiling, and ladders to get to them. The books are in pristine condition, but not leather-bound. And they have some sort of magic involved so spines never break and pages don't fold. The center of the room is sunken, with super poofy couches and chairs for comforatble reading, and well-placed lamps. And it has ALL the books. Like the Sandman's library, it has books that my favorite authors never even wrote down. And all the ones I have been too scared to write are in there too.

Strength

Amber wrote a post about strength, and her experience with that word in terms of her daughter being in the hospital. And it made me think of my experience of that word when my husband was in the hospital, and when he died. A lot of people told me I was strong, and praised me for doing what I did. And I, like Amber, have to say that I thought there was no choice, and there was no strength in doing what I had to do. But when I look at someone else's situation, like Amber, I see that she also did what she had to do. And in that I do see strength. And like I told her, sometimes strength means knowing when you're weak. It means crying in the shower, and then not crying in front of the patient. Or breaking down alone in the car so you can put up a brave front in the hospital.

So I guess that means I have to look back and admit that I was strong too. Because I did a lot of crying in cars and showers. I learned when to fall apart and when to hold it in. And it's hard to see that as a good thing. It's hard to admit that maybe I did something right. Because I don't want it to be about me. And because there are so many moments I wish I could do over. I never felt like I was truly living up to what people seemed to see when they looked at me. I always felt that I was failing A somehow, and that he needed more than what I was giving. And because he died, there's no way to ever make up for any of it, which makes it easy to feel that I failed.

But after eight years, I have to try and learn to let that go. I did what I could do. If I had it to do over, I might do it better. But I'll never know. So I have to be at peace with what I did. I loved him, and I know he knew that. At some point, that's going to have to be enough.

Strangely, after all this time, I still have weird triggers. If N so much as gets a sniffle, I get angry. (Of ourse I calm down after the inital reaction, but still...) Should anything, god forbid, happen to him, I'll be mad at myself again. I want to be a better caregiver and help him when he's sick, but I just have such a gut reaction to it. Maybe I forgive myself about A, I can stop being angry at N for things he can't control, and then I won't have to have any more regrets.

Questions

I wanted to write something, and even though I have plenty of topics I could write about right now, I wasn't in the mood. So here's this instead.


What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with N.

What is your greatest fear?
Not getting to be a mom

What historical figure do you most identify with?
I have no idea. I'm trying to think of a historical figure who is famous for reading a lot, but I'm coming up blank.

Which living person do you most admire?
I really admire all my residents. They make me smile every day.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I have no willpower.

What trait do you most deplore in others?
Intolerance and stagnancy

What is your greatest extravagance?
books

On what occasion do you lie?
When the truth would hurt someone.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
my weight

What is your favorite journey?
My life. (ha ha). Our trip to Alaska was amazing.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Beauty. At least as society judges it.

Which living person do you most despise?
Pick a Republican

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
wicked, dude, clearly

What is your greatest regret?
I'm not answering this, because I try not to have them. As The Indigo Girls say,
"Well everything that's come before us leads us to where we are now."

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A + N, my two great loves.

When and where were you happiest?
I've had lots of really happy times. Hanging with the clan, living at Tau, being married to A, and right now, being married to N. I've been so blessed.

Which talent would you most like to have?
I'd like to be able to teleport myself to anywhere, so I could see all my family and friends without having to take time off.

What is your current state of mind?
I can't even think of a word that could encompass it. I'm happy, and sad, and nervous, and worried,and excited, and slightly defeated. It's a crazy time these days.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd have more willpower.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
They'd come visit me more often, instead of me always going there.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
A famous, talented author.

What do your consider your greatest achievement?
My career. I started at the bottom, and have really worked myself up.

What is your most treasured possession?
All my pictures.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Having to lie about who you are because your spouse doesn't really know you.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Being a bibliophile.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honesty. Intelligence. And a good sense of humor.

What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
same.

What do you most value in your friends?
same again.

Who are your favourite writers?
Neil Gaiman, Wally Lamb, Robert Heinlein, Zoe Smith...tons more.

Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Mr. Darcy and Howard Rourke.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My mom, N's mom, N, A's parents

What are your favourite names?
If I tell you, you might steal them.

What is it that you most dislike?
People being fake, having to keep my mouth shut about how I feel about people being fake.

What is your motto?
Smile, stay positive, take each day as it comes.

Drunk-dial

Yesterday was eight years since A died. A rough day, and actually rougher than I had thought. I woke up sick, called in late to work, slept some more, went in to work for two hours, came back home and read old journals and cried. And then, the worst. I wrote a really stupid e-mail to an ex.

While I was reading journals for memories of A, there was the journal about my relationship with M. All through that relationship were entries on A because he wasn't over me after our first break up and, let's face it, the feeling was mutual. (Even though I kept writing that it wasn't. How we lie, even to ourselves.) Anyway, I ended up reading all the parts about M as well, and I saw things I never saw before, because when I was 19 I was stupid, and I'm slightly less stupid now. At least I thought I was. Until I sent off an e-mail to M to tell him these things. Seriously?

And to make matters worse, I then sent a follow-up e-mail this morning, to say I shouldn't have sent the first one. Really, it's like I'm 19 again.

But the truly worst part is that I think I just wanted to reach out. N was working late, and I was home alone and sad (he stayed home cuddling me all morning before my doomed two hours of work, so it's okay that he had to work late). And I think I really was wishing I could e-mail A, and catch up with him. And since I can't do that... Yeah, it's not a good excuse, but there you are.

M has never shown any interest in being friends with me before, so I guess pushing him further away isn't an issue, but I feel bad. N laughed at me when he got home and I told him about it. (In a nice way, he's never mean to me.) He said I can't stand not being friends with people who used to be in my life. And it's true. I know friends with an ex is mostly a pipe dream, but it should be possible. It's a good thing N and I are so happy. No one else will ever have to date me and then live through the curse of me wanting to be friends after.

Ugh. I didn't drink, but I feel like I was drunk on tears, and that was my drunk dial. I'm such a stupid girl.

59 Questions

[1] What is your middle name?
Mae. For my great aunt.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Black.

[3] Are you available?
No, happily.

[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
No, but I've had a lot of close calls.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yes, I drive over the 35W bridge in Minneapolis that so famously collapsed in the summer of 2007.

[6] Are you taller than your mom?
Yes, she's a shorty.

[7] What curse do you say the most when you're pissed?
Fuck usually covers it.

[8] Are you God?
Yes. And so are you.

[9] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
I've only really had my heart broken once, and I'll never be over it.

[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Not usually.

[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My right shin. I tripped over a misplaced tool box at work today and now I have a huge dent which is starting to bruise.

[12] Do you often cry during a movie?
Yeah, I cry all the time.

[13] Last text message you received?
Hi, it's Nicholas, here's my new number.

[14] Who sent it?
Nicholas, obviously.

[15] Do you hate your life?
No, I love it.

[16] Do you get mad easily?
Yeah, I think I do. I try to get over it quickly though.

[17] Do you drink?
No. Very rarely, maybe once a year.

[18] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Intolerance. Learn about others' viewpoints, and if you don't like it, don't do it. But don't assume what is right for you is right for all.

[19] Are you cold?
No, I have N's giant blanket on me.

[20] Do any of your friends have kids?
Most of them. This is aggravating.

[21] Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever wants to.

[22] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
I'm happily married, and he's 2 years younger than me.

[23] Do you have any friends?
Thanks to the fact that I joined a coed fraternity in college, I have more than I know what to do with.

[24] Do you have any mean friends?
No, not really.

[25] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
brown.

[26] Have you ever dated someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
No, my friends have usually liked people. I had one boyfriend that my friends I grew up with didn't like, but my college friends were mutual. I married a man people in my family didn't like, but I loved him, so it didn't matter.

[27] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
It's one of those things I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself from doing. Not because I'm suicidal, it just flashes through my mind.

[28] Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Absolutely not. I think suicide is a cowardly escape.

[29] Do you scratch your ears?
If they itch...

[30] Who was the last person to hug you?
N.

[31] What brand are the pants/jeans you're wearing right now?
I have no idea. They are pajama pants with penguins on them.

[32] How tall are you?
5'6"

[33] What is the closest green object?
my t-shirt

[34] What is on your feet?
nothing

[35] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents have named you?
Steven

[36] If you could go back to any time period when would it be?
Ancient Greece, or Elizabethan England.

[37] Do you want to have kids?
Desperately. Unfortunately, my reproductive organs don't do what they're told.

[38] What is your favorite color?
green and pink

[39] Who is the friend you have that you thought you would never have?
My friend C, probably. N's best friend's wife. It's an unlikely pairing, but she rocks.

[40] Who do you hate the most right now?
I try not to hate anyone.

[41] What's your mother's middle name?
Dian. And no, I didn't forget the e.

[42] What kind of car do you want?
My current car is great, a white Chevy Aveo.

[43] What is your favorite video game?
Rock Band.

[44] Do you like your dad?
He died when I was 16. I think I would have liked him had I ever really gotten to know him, but the alcohol got in the way.

[45] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Friends, Gilmore Girls, Family Guy, Quantum Leap.

[46] Are you wearing make up?
No. I pretty much never do.

[47] Do you have a tattoo?
No. Never.

[48] Have you ever broken a pinata?
I've had them but I can't recall if I ever did the breaking.

[49] What time is it right now?
Time to watch Next Gen!!

[50] Do you know how to draw?
Yes. Do I do it well? No.

[51] Who loves orange soda?
I do, I do!

[52] Who is your hero?
My mom, A, N, my residents.

[53] Who did you last IM?
Jake!

[54] Do you work a lot of hours?
Usually only 40-45.

[55] Where were you 24 hours ago?
In bed, asleep.

[56] Who was the last person that called you?
C.

[57] Is there anything you regret?
Of course. But I don't dwell on it.

[58] Do you know where your family name originated from?
France, for a few, and really long time ago. Germany, also forever ago. That's all I know.

[59] Animal that creeps you out?
Squid.

I won!!

I did it! I wrote in a 50,000 word novel in thirty days! Okay, so it's a 51, 277 word novel, I finished it on day 29, and I mostly hate it. But it is a complete work of fiction, I wrote every day for 29 days straight, and I feel good! Woo hoo! I printed out the certificate they give you, and although I have no idea why it has squirrels on it, it makes me feel like a winner!

Now, December is for revisions...

New Moon

I saw New Moon last night. Of course I had reread the book so I could bitch about the inconsistencies. But then I was pleasantly surprised. It was not perfect, but there were less glaring errors than I expected, and definitely less than I expected. It was actually pretty good. Of course, I still have issues with the casting...I think Jasper is the best. And I want to love Robert Pattinson as Edward, because I love Edward, and would love to have the right visual, but I just don't. He's not Edward.

I was not pleased by the audience...I know it's a teen girl flick, but I went on a Tuesday to avoid that, and it didn't work. I think I am getting older, because I have very little patience for teenagers these days.

So, grade for New Moon...B+.

ennui

I, like Kurt*, am filled with ennui.

I was really struck today, starting as soon as the alarm went off, with a sense of the mundanity of life. Actually, it probably started last night, when I realized the next day was Monday. Sunday nights suck.

My thoughts aren't new or unique, and I cycle all the time. I just think, sometimes, that we're doing it wrong. You get up, you go to work, you eat dinner, you go to bed. You shop, cook, do dishes, do laundry, clean the bathroom. You do it all again next week. Now and then, if you're lucky, you get a vacation. You try to fit all the fun in you can on evenings, weekends, random vacation. Then it's back to the grind again.

And it's not even the mundanity of my own particular life. I actually think I have one of the more exciting lives in my little circle. But it still has days like today, when I feel like a rat in the race who doesn't particularly see the point of getting out of bed.

Then I got home. I brought in the mail and the groceries I bought on the way. I fed the dog. I showered. I started dinner. I was about drowning in my lassitude. Then N got home. He thanked me for doing all the mundane things. He kissed me and called me beautiful. And I remembered how blessed I really am, rat race or not.


If you don't know to what I am referring, that means you are not watching Glee. And you should be. It's sublime.

D

I have this friend, D. I wrote about him recently, and I also gave him this blog address recently.

Let me tell you a little about D and me. We met in seventh grade. I and another friend used to bug the crap out if him in math class, just to be weird. Apparently he was into it, because we became friends. All through high school we were pretty tight. We sat on the phone together while watching MTV, did Spanish class dialogues together, went to the movies together the night of the junior prom, and actually went to senior prom together. Over the years, I had some confusing feelings for him. Mostly I pushed them down. But in college it really hit me, and I told him about it. He said he felt it too! Then nothing happened. As I wrote about before, he finally told me he was gay. The world made sense again.

So, we have a long and bizarre history. That's one point. The other point is that I love him. More than almost anyone, and in a way I love very few people. He's definitely on the short list. This is in spite of the fact that we live halfwat across the country from each other and hardly ever talk or see each other. We always pick up where we left off, which is one of the things I love about him. As a person who always feels guilty about being a bad friend and not keeping in touch with people, I really appreciate someone who doesn't let that get in the way. Other reasons I love him, I can't explain. He just wiggled his way into my heart years ago, and now he's there forever.

A few weeks ago, he shared a story with me about something that happened to him, and the aftermath. It was in an e-mail. It couldn't have been an easy story to tell. And I fear I handled that badly. I replied with a bit of a scolding tone. He hasn't written back. So maybe he's mad, or maybe he's just been busy. But the fact that I think it might be a reaction to what I said means I have some guilt over it. I should have just been supportive. It's just that his story hit too close to some fears I have for him. I'm such a worrier.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that other people play by different rules than I do. Even though he is a friend, I can't judge him by my criteria. And I don't want to judge him. He is one of the smartest people I know, and he doesn't need me to rub his nose in anything. So, D, I'm sorry. I love you. I hope you are okay.

EDIT 11/16: D e-mailed me today. Yay! He wasn't upset, just bad at keeping in touch like me.