At 24 weeks, I had to take the one hour glucose test. For those of you who have been through this, you know that you have to drink the botlle of ickiness and get your blood drawn an hour later. Well, I failed it. I was supposed to be lower that 130, and I was 164. Blah. Not terribly bad, but bad enough to have to do a three hour test. Yuck. So tomorrow I have to report to the clinic in the morning, get my blood drawn, drink another bottle of ickiness, and then give a blood and urine sample every hour for three hours. Fun stuff. While I would usually not be upset about an excuse to read all morning, I am feeling guilty about not being at work for half a day. And I don't really have the type of job that allows to bring work home with me. Three people I know who have had babies in the last two and a half years told me this weekend that they also failed the one hour, and passed the three hour. I hope I'm in that boat too.
I'm 25 weeks today, and I still can't believe it. Now I can feel the baby move on a regular basis, N has felt it a few times, but not consistently. And I know I should start planing and maybe buying things, but I think I'll put it off a little longer, just to make myself feel better. I don't want to go taking anything for granted.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Short version, long to follow
I have been not writing in here recently because I had a lot to say that couldn't be said, and it was hard to talk about anything else. Now that the self-imposed gag order has been lifted, here goes:
I'M PREGNANT!
I am 24 weeks today, actually. And I have been holding out on writing about it anywhere, because this past weekend was a big Tau Centennial party, and I wanted to tell my college friends in person. So now they all know, and I can talk it about it.
Also, I have been the most nervous pregnant woman ever, and was afraid to talk in case things went awry. But last night I realized that the pregnancy is almost two-thirds over, and I need to stop freaking out and start enjoying it. Last night N was able to feel the baby kick for the first time, and his face was priceless. Of course, he said the same thing about mine when I felt it for the first time about two weeks ago. So yeah, there's a baby coming, after six years of trying, and we are over the moon.
I'M PREGNANT!
I am 24 weeks today, actually. And I have been holding out on writing about it anywhere, because this past weekend was a big Tau Centennial party, and I wanted to tell my college friends in person. So now they all know, and I can talk it about it.
Also, I have been the most nervous pregnant woman ever, and was afraid to talk in case things went awry. But last night I realized that the pregnancy is almost two-thirds over, and I need to stop freaking out and start enjoying it. Last night N was able to feel the baby kick for the first time, and his face was priceless. Of course, he said the same thing about mine when I felt it for the first time about two weeks ago. So yeah, there's a baby coming, after six years of trying, and we are over the moon.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Memes
Still in a meme mood. Stealing from comebacknikki (to whom I have been trying to link, but the computer won't let me).
ABC meme
Accent: I grew up on Cape Cod, got made fun of for my accent when I went to college in Wisconsin and mostly dropped it. Now my family sayd I have a Minnesota accent. And my husband says I get the East coast back a bit if I'm on the phone with my family for a while.
Booze: I haven't had any in quite some time.
Chore I Hate: All of them. But especially anything outdoors, so those are my husband's job.
Dog or Cat: I have a dog. But I love cats too.
Essential Electronics: Cell phone, computer, digital camera
Favorite Cologne(s): I generally don't wear anything, because I work in long-term care, and the scent can bother people. If I do, I prefer body sprays, especially midnight pmegranate from Bath + Body Works.
Gold or Silver: I prefer silver, but my wedding ring is gold, and my watch has gold accents.
Hometown: South Yarmouth, MA
Insomnia: Never. I'm a sleeper.
Job Title: Assistant Director of Nursing
Kids: I'm working on it.
Living arrangements: N and I have a 4 bedroom house.
Most admirable trait: I usually remember to say thank you, and I'm sorry when appropriate.
Number of sexual partners: I don't want to say. At least two, since I've been married twice. Anything else no longer counts. :)
Overnight hospital stays: Never. All my hospital stuff has been out patient thus far.
Phobias: Spiders, the dark, being alone
Quote: "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." ~Mark Twain
Religion: We've been going to a Lutheran church lately, so I guess that's my newest label.
Siblings: Three siters, one brother, all older than me
Time I wake up: 7:30-ish on weekdays, whenever I feel like it on weekends.
Unusual talent or skill: I can say the alphabet backwards. Also, I read pretty fast. That's about it.
Vegetable I refuse to eat: Okra and eggplant
Worst habit: Eating too much and biting my nails
X-rays: ankel, hand, head, chest
Yummy foods I make: macaroni, pork + saurkraut, enchiladas
Zodiac sign: Cancer
| What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more. | |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm | |
| Literate Good Citizen | |
| Book Snob | |
| Fad Reader | |
| Non-Reader | |
| What Kind of Reader Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz | |
ABC meme
Accent: I grew up on Cape Cod, got made fun of for my accent when I went to college in Wisconsin and mostly dropped it. Now my family sayd I have a Minnesota accent. And my husband says I get the East coast back a bit if I'm on the phone with my family for a while.
Booze: I haven't had any in quite some time.
Chore I Hate: All of them. But especially anything outdoors, so those are my husband's job.
Dog or Cat: I have a dog. But I love cats too.
Essential Electronics: Cell phone, computer, digital camera
Favorite Cologne(s): I generally don't wear anything, because I work in long-term care, and the scent can bother people. If I do, I prefer body sprays, especially midnight pmegranate from Bath + Body Works.
Gold or Silver: I prefer silver, but my wedding ring is gold, and my watch has gold accents.
Hometown: South Yarmouth, MA
Insomnia: Never. I'm a sleeper.
Job Title: Assistant Director of Nursing
Kids: I'm working on it.
Living arrangements: N and I have a 4 bedroom house.
Most admirable trait: I usually remember to say thank you, and I'm sorry when appropriate.
Number of sexual partners: I don't want to say. At least two, since I've been married twice. Anything else no longer counts. :)
Overnight hospital stays: Never. All my hospital stuff has been out patient thus far.
Phobias: Spiders, the dark, being alone
Quote: "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." ~Mark Twain
Religion: We've been going to a Lutheran church lately, so I guess that's my newest label.
Siblings: Three siters, one brother, all older than me
Time I wake up: 7:30-ish on weekdays, whenever I feel like it on weekends.
Unusual talent or skill: I can say the alphabet backwards. Also, I read pretty fast. That's about it.
Vegetable I refuse to eat: Okra and eggplant
Worst habit: Eating too much and biting my nails
X-rays: ankel, hand, head, chest
Yummy foods I make: macaroni, pork + saurkraut, enchiladas
Zodiac sign: Cancer
Friday, June 4, 2010
Books!
I haven't written in a long time, and I want to but I have nothing to say right now. So here's a little something I ripped off. Thanks, Amber!
1) Which book do you irrationally cringe away from reading, despite seeing only positive reviews?
Well, my mom keeps trying to get me to read the Left Behind series, since she really enjoyed it, but I can't bring myself to do it. And I know if anyone saw me reading it I'd be ashamed.
For a long time I wouldn't read anything that got too popular, because I suspected the moron majority was using it for some evil plot, but usually now I'll read it if at least one person I trust says it was good.
2) If you could bring three characters to life for a social event (afternoon tea, a night of clubbing, perhaps a world cruise), who would they be and what would the event be?
This is a harder question than I thought it would be. Most of the characters I love in books are not people you would necessarily want to spend any time with if they were real. And the other problem is that if I brought to life a male character because I love him, I still wouldn't be the lover he wants, so that would be silly. That's the problem with bringing to life the Phouka from War for the Oaks...I wouldn't be Eddi. And also, I really love him because he's a little bit A to me. But let's see...
Death, from the Sandman for some lunch, and maybe clubbing later.
Lazarus Long, from Robert Heinlein's Future History, for long conversations and any adventure he wanted to take me on. Hopefully many members of his family would be there too(especially Mama Maureen).
The Vampire Lestat. He's probably make life intersting for a while, at the very least.
3) (Borrowing shamelessly from the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde): you are told you can’t die until you read the most boring novel on the planet. While this immortality is great for awhile, eventually you realise it’s past time to die. Which book would you expect to get you a nice grave?
Obviously this has to be a book I haven't already read and put in the boring pile. So I'm going on my guess as to a book's level of boring. Since I always think I should but have never managed to pick it up, I'm going with The Grapes of Wrath.
4) Come on, we’ve all been there. Which book have you pretended, or at least hinted, that you’ve read, when in fact you’ve been nowhere near it?
Madame Bovary. I was supposed to read it the summer before Senior year and I couldn't get into it, since I had just finished reading Atlas Shrugged, and Bovary seemed way too watered down after that.
5) You’re interviewing for the post of Official Book Advisor to some VIP (who’s not a big reader). What’s the first book you’d recommend and why? (If you feel like you’d have to know the person, go ahead and personalise the VIP).
If I personalize the VIP, it woul dbe different for every person. But something I'd offer pretty universally is American Gods, by Neil Gaiman. It's such a detailed world, and a beautiful theory, and the best book by a fantastic author.
6) A good fairy comes and grants you one wish: you will have perfect reading comprehension in the foreign language of your choice. Which language do you go with?
I think I have to go with German. There's be some really great Philosophy reading options.
7) A mischievous fairy comes and says that you must choose one book that you will reread once a year for the rest of your life (you can read other books as well). Which book would you pick?
Tough decision. Pride and Prejudice would be one that I have read almost every year, so I guess I'd pick that one.
8) I know that the book blogging community, and its various challenges, have pushed my reading borders. What’s one bookish thing you ‘discovered’ from book blogging (maybe a new genre, or author, or new appreciation for cover art-anything)?
I've never been terribly exclusive about my reading. I like to read, so I do a lot of it. But I guess I have discovered a few new authors. Ann Patchett's the one that comes to mind.
9) That good fairy is back for one final visit. Now, she’s granting you your dream library! Describe it. Is everything leather bound? Is it full of first edition hardcovers? Pristine trade paperbacks? Perhaps a few favourite authors have inscribed their works? Go ahead-let your imagination run free.
When I read Amber's list, I thought: we have the same dream library! Definitely a round room with books floor to ceiling, and ladders to get to them. The books are in pristine condition, but not leather-bound. And they have some sort of magic involved so spines never break and pages don't fold. The center of the room is sunken, with super poofy couches and chairs for comforatble reading, and well-placed lamps. And it has ALL the books. Like the Sandman's library, it has books that my favorite authors never even wrote down. And all the ones I have been too scared to write are in there too.
1) Which book do you irrationally cringe away from reading, despite seeing only positive reviews?
Well, my mom keeps trying to get me to read the Left Behind series, since she really enjoyed it, but I can't bring myself to do it. And I know if anyone saw me reading it I'd be ashamed.
For a long time I wouldn't read anything that got too popular, because I suspected the moron majority was using it for some evil plot, but usually now I'll read it if at least one person I trust says it was good.
2) If you could bring three characters to life for a social event (afternoon tea, a night of clubbing, perhaps a world cruise), who would they be and what would the event be?
This is a harder question than I thought it would be. Most of the characters I love in books are not people you would necessarily want to spend any time with if they were real. And the other problem is that if I brought to life a male character because I love him, I still wouldn't be the lover he wants, so that would be silly. That's the problem with bringing to life the Phouka from War for the Oaks...I wouldn't be Eddi. And also, I really love him because he's a little bit A to me. But let's see...
Death, from the Sandman for some lunch, and maybe clubbing later.
Lazarus Long, from Robert Heinlein's Future History, for long conversations and any adventure he wanted to take me on. Hopefully many members of his family would be there too(especially Mama Maureen).
The Vampire Lestat. He's probably make life intersting for a while, at the very least.
3) (Borrowing shamelessly from the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde): you are told you can’t die until you read the most boring novel on the planet. While this immortality is great for awhile, eventually you realise it’s past time to die. Which book would you expect to get you a nice grave?
Obviously this has to be a book I haven't already read and put in the boring pile. So I'm going on my guess as to a book's level of boring. Since I always think I should but have never managed to pick it up, I'm going with The Grapes of Wrath.
4) Come on, we’ve all been there. Which book have you pretended, or at least hinted, that you’ve read, when in fact you’ve been nowhere near it?
Madame Bovary. I was supposed to read it the summer before Senior year and I couldn't get into it, since I had just finished reading Atlas Shrugged, and Bovary seemed way too watered down after that.
5) You’re interviewing for the post of Official Book Advisor to some VIP (who’s not a big reader). What’s the first book you’d recommend and why? (If you feel like you’d have to know the person, go ahead and personalise the VIP).
If I personalize the VIP, it woul dbe different for every person. But something I'd offer pretty universally is American Gods, by Neil Gaiman. It's such a detailed world, and a beautiful theory, and the best book by a fantastic author.
6) A good fairy comes and grants you one wish: you will have perfect reading comprehension in the foreign language of your choice. Which language do you go with?
I think I have to go with German. There's be some really great Philosophy reading options.
7) A mischievous fairy comes and says that you must choose one book that you will reread once a year for the rest of your life (you can read other books as well). Which book would you pick?
Tough decision. Pride and Prejudice would be one that I have read almost every year, so I guess I'd pick that one.
8) I know that the book blogging community, and its various challenges, have pushed my reading borders. What’s one bookish thing you ‘discovered’ from book blogging (maybe a new genre, or author, or new appreciation for cover art-anything)?
I've never been terribly exclusive about my reading. I like to read, so I do a lot of it. But I guess I have discovered a few new authors. Ann Patchett's the one that comes to mind.
9) That good fairy is back for one final visit. Now, she’s granting you your dream library! Describe it. Is everything leather bound? Is it full of first edition hardcovers? Pristine trade paperbacks? Perhaps a few favourite authors have inscribed their works? Go ahead-let your imagination run free.
When I read Amber's list, I thought: we have the same dream library! Definitely a round room with books floor to ceiling, and ladders to get to them. The books are in pristine condition, but not leather-bound. And they have some sort of magic involved so spines never break and pages don't fold. The center of the room is sunken, with super poofy couches and chairs for comforatble reading, and well-placed lamps. And it has ALL the books. Like the Sandman's library, it has books that my favorite authors never even wrote down. And all the ones I have been too scared to write are in there too.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Strength
Amber wrote a post about strength, and her experience with that word in terms of her daughter being in the hospital. And it made me think of my experience of that word when my husband was in the hospital, and when he died. A lot of people told me I was strong, and praised me for doing what I did. And I, like Amber, have to say that I thought there was no choice, and there was no strength in doing what I had to do. But when I look at someone else's situation, like Amber, I see that she also did what she had to do. And in that I do see strength. And like I told her, sometimes strength means knowing when you're weak. It means crying in the shower, and then not crying in front of the patient. Or breaking down alone in the car so you can put up a brave front in the hospital.
So I guess that means I have to look back and admit that I was strong too. Because I did a lot of crying in cars and showers. I learned when to fall apart and when to hold it in. And it's hard to see that as a good thing. It's hard to admit that maybe I did something right. Because I don't want it to be about me. And because there are so many moments I wish I could do over. I never felt like I was truly living up to what people seemed to see when they looked at me. I always felt that I was failing A somehow, and that he needed more than what I was giving. And because he died, there's no way to ever make up for any of it, which makes it easy to feel that I failed.
But after eight years, I have to try and learn to let that go. I did what I could do. If I had it to do over, I might do it better. But I'll never know. So I have to be at peace with what I did. I loved him, and I know he knew that. At some point, that's going to have to be enough.
Strangely, after all this time, I still have weird triggers. If N so much as gets a sniffle, I get angry. (Of ourse I calm down after the inital reaction, but still...) Should anything, god forbid, happen to him, I'll be mad at myself again. I want to be a better caregiver and help him when he's sick, but I just have such a gut reaction to it. Maybe I forgive myself about A, I can stop being angry at N for things he can't control, and then I won't have to have any more regrets.
So I guess that means I have to look back and admit that I was strong too. Because I did a lot of crying in cars and showers. I learned when to fall apart and when to hold it in. And it's hard to see that as a good thing. It's hard to admit that maybe I did something right. Because I don't want it to be about me. And because there are so many moments I wish I could do over. I never felt like I was truly living up to what people seemed to see when they looked at me. I always felt that I was failing A somehow, and that he needed more than what I was giving. And because he died, there's no way to ever make up for any of it, which makes it easy to feel that I failed.
But after eight years, I have to try and learn to let that go. I did what I could do. If I had it to do over, I might do it better. But I'll never know. So I have to be at peace with what I did. I loved him, and I know he knew that. At some point, that's going to have to be enough.
Strangely, after all this time, I still have weird triggers. If N so much as gets a sniffle, I get angry. (Of ourse I calm down after the inital reaction, but still...) Should anything, god forbid, happen to him, I'll be mad at myself again. I want to be a better caregiver and help him when he's sick, but I just have such a gut reaction to it. Maybe I forgive myself about A, I can stop being angry at N for things he can't control, and then I won't have to have any more regrets.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Questions
I wanted to write something, and even though I have plenty of topics I could write about right now, I wasn't in the mood. So here's this instead.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with N.
What is your greatest fear?
Not getting to be a mom
What historical figure do you most identify with?
I have no idea. I'm trying to think of a historical figure who is famous for reading a lot, but I'm coming up blank.
Which living person do you most admire?
I really admire all my residents. They make me smile every day.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I have no willpower.
What trait do you most deplore in others?
Intolerance and stagnancy
What is your greatest extravagance?
books
On what occasion do you lie?
When the truth would hurt someone.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
my weight
What is your favorite journey?
My life. (ha ha). Our trip to Alaska was amazing.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Beauty. At least as society judges it.
Which living person do you most despise?
Pick a Republican
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
wicked, dude, clearly
What is your greatest regret?
I'm not answering this, because I try not to have them. As The Indigo Girls say,
"Well everything that's come before us leads us to where we are now."
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A + N, my two great loves.
When and where were you happiest?
I've had lots of really happy times. Hanging with the clan, living at Tau, being married to A, and right now, being married to N. I've been so blessed.
Which talent would you most like to have?
I'd like to be able to teleport myself to anywhere, so I could see all my family and friends without having to take time off.
What is your current state of mind?
I can't even think of a word that could encompass it. I'm happy, and sad, and nervous, and worried,and excited, and slightly defeated. It's a crazy time these days.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd have more willpower.
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
They'd come visit me more often, instead of me always going there.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
A famous, talented author.
What do your consider your greatest achievement?
My career. I started at the bottom, and have really worked myself up.
What is your most treasured possession?
All my pictures.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Having to lie about who you are because your spouse doesn't really know you.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Being a bibliophile.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honesty. Intelligence. And a good sense of humor.
What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
same.
What do you most value in your friends?
same again.
Who are your favourite writers?
Neil Gaiman, Wally Lamb, Robert Heinlein, Zoe Smith...tons more.
Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Mr. Darcy and Howard Rourke.
Who are your heroes in real life?
My mom, N's mom, N, A's parents
What are your favourite names?
If I tell you, you might steal them.
What is it that you most dislike?
People being fake, having to keep my mouth shut about how I feel about people being fake.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with N.
What is your greatest fear?
Not getting to be a mom
What historical figure do you most identify with?
I have no idea. I'm trying to think of a historical figure who is famous for reading a lot, but I'm coming up blank.
Which living person do you most admire?
I really admire all my residents. They make me smile every day.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I have no willpower.
What trait do you most deplore in others?
Intolerance and stagnancy
What is your greatest extravagance?
books
On what occasion do you lie?
When the truth would hurt someone.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
my weight
What is your favorite journey?
My life. (ha ha). Our trip to Alaska was amazing.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Beauty. At least as society judges it.
Which living person do you most despise?
Pick a Republican
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
wicked, dude, clearly
What is your greatest regret?
I'm not answering this, because I try not to have them. As The Indigo Girls say,
"Well everything that's come before us leads us to where we are now."
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A + N, my two great loves.
When and where were you happiest?
I've had lots of really happy times. Hanging with the clan, living at Tau, being married to A, and right now, being married to N. I've been so blessed.
Which talent would you most like to have?
I'd like to be able to teleport myself to anywhere, so I could see all my family and friends without having to take time off.
What is your current state of mind?
I can't even think of a word that could encompass it. I'm happy, and sad, and nervous, and worried,and excited, and slightly defeated. It's a crazy time these days.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd have more willpower.
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
They'd come visit me more often, instead of me always going there.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
A famous, talented author.
What do your consider your greatest achievement?
My career. I started at the bottom, and have really worked myself up.
What is your most treasured possession?
All my pictures.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Having to lie about who you are because your spouse doesn't really know you.
What is your most marked characteristic?
Being a bibliophile.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honesty. Intelligence. And a good sense of humor.
What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
same.
What do you most value in your friends?
same again.
Who are your favourite writers?
Neil Gaiman, Wally Lamb, Robert Heinlein, Zoe Smith...tons more.
Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Mr. Darcy and Howard Rourke.
Who are your heroes in real life?
My mom, N's mom, N, A's parents
What are your favourite names?
If I tell you, you might steal them.
What is it that you most dislike?
People being fake, having to keep my mouth shut about how I feel about people being fake.
What is your motto?
Smile, stay positive, take each day as it comes.
Smile, stay positive, take each day as it comes.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Drunk-dial
Yesterday was eight years since A died. A rough day, and actually rougher than I had thought. I woke up sick, called in late to work, slept some more, went in to work for two hours, came back home and read old journals and cried. And then, the worst. I wrote a really stupid e-mail to an ex.
While I was reading journals for memories of A, there was the journal about my relationship with M. All through that relationship were entries on A because he wasn't over me after our first break up and, let's face it, the feeling was mutual. (Even though I kept writing that it wasn't. How we lie, even to ourselves.) Anyway, I ended up reading all the parts about M as well, and I saw things I never saw before, because when I was 19 I was stupid, and I'm slightly less stupid now. At least I thought I was. Until I sent off an e-mail to M to tell him these things. Seriously?
And to make matters worse, I then sent a follow-up e-mail this morning, to say I shouldn't have sent the first one. Really, it's like I'm 19 again.
But the truly worst part is that I think I just wanted to reach out. N was working late, and I was home alone and sad (he stayed home cuddling me all morning before my doomed two hours of work, so it's okay that he had to work late). And I think I really was wishing I could e-mail A, and catch up with him. And since I can't do that... Yeah, it's not a good excuse, but there you are.
M has never shown any interest in being friends with me before, so I guess pushing him further away isn't an issue, but I feel bad. N laughed at me when he got home and I told him about it. (In a nice way, he's never mean to me.) He said I can't stand not being friends with people who used to be in my life. And it's true. I know friends with an ex is mostly a pipe dream, but it should be possible. It's a good thing N and I are so happy. No one else will ever have to date me and then live through the curse of me wanting to be friends after.
Ugh. I didn't drink, but I feel like I was drunk on tears, and that was my drunk dial. I'm such a stupid girl.
While I was reading journals for memories of A, there was the journal about my relationship with M. All through that relationship were entries on A because he wasn't over me after our first break up and, let's face it, the feeling was mutual. (Even though I kept writing that it wasn't. How we lie, even to ourselves.) Anyway, I ended up reading all the parts about M as well, and I saw things I never saw before, because when I was 19 I was stupid, and I'm slightly less stupid now. At least I thought I was. Until I sent off an e-mail to M to tell him these things. Seriously?
And to make matters worse, I then sent a follow-up e-mail this morning, to say I shouldn't have sent the first one. Really, it's like I'm 19 again.
But the truly worst part is that I think I just wanted to reach out. N was working late, and I was home alone and sad (he stayed home cuddling me all morning before my doomed two hours of work, so it's okay that he had to work late). And I think I really was wishing I could e-mail A, and catch up with him. And since I can't do that... Yeah, it's not a good excuse, but there you are.
M has never shown any interest in being friends with me before, so I guess pushing him further away isn't an issue, but I feel bad. N laughed at me when he got home and I told him about it. (In a nice way, he's never mean to me.) He said I can't stand not being friends with people who used to be in my life. And it's true. I know friends with an ex is mostly a pipe dream, but it should be possible. It's a good thing N and I are so happy. No one else will ever have to date me and then live through the curse of me wanting to be friends after.
Ugh. I didn't drink, but I feel like I was drunk on tears, and that was my drunk dial. I'm such a stupid girl.
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