pros and cons

When women at work get into Let's-bitch-about-our-husbands mode, I tend to tune out. I think I've ranted about this before.

It's like some kind of rite of passage; expected behavior. Little girls usually have a fairy tale romance fantasy, and the big wedding plans with the diamond engagement ring that could take your eye out, and the fluffy white dress. Whatever. Then they get married for real, and in no time they are complaining about their husbands. Somtimes I really feel bad for them; one of my friends says of her husband that he was the frat boy and she the sorority girl, then she grew up and he didn't. That's sad. But mostly I am just annoyed. I don't take part in the discussion, because I have no complaints. I am not bragging, but it's just the way it is. And if they badger me enough for me to actually say that I have no complaints, they tell me I haven't been married long enough. It will get worse, they tell me. What kind of a message is that?

It comes from the same culture that makes such horrible commercials. A man is painting his wife's toenails, or he writes a song for her, then the voice-over says, "Because you're not THAT guy" and it's an ad for some chain jewelry store selling diamonds. Which is another issue. I have friends who like diamonds, jewelry in general, so I try not to be so harsh about it. But seriously? If I had a husband who was a jerk and wouldn't spend any quality time with me, a diamond necklace would not fix it. I don't care for diamonds to begin with, and I certainly don't want them as consolation for marrying an insensitive moron. Why do we need to denigrate our relationships and our significant others? Why are we expected to settle?

The thing is, N is my best friend. There's no one in the world that understands me like he does, and no one I would rather talk to. There are pros and cons to this.

A big pro is that my best friend is always available. We live in the same house, share most of the same activites. I never have to worry that another relationship will supercede ours. You know, when you're single and your best friend suddenly has a new boyfriend and doesn't have time for you anymore. When my best friend and I fall in love again, as we do every day, it's with each other, and it never gets in the way of us being friends.

I have no boundaries with him. N is the only person on the planet to whom I can say truly anything. I don't have to be embarrassed about sharing intimate details in order to get a point across, because he already knows all the details - he was there. There's nothing we can't talk about. We're also really good at meta-conversations. We can talk about how we talk for ridiculous amounts of time. It's like DIY relationship counseling. :)

Although I'm not sure our friends would agree with this, N and I have remarkably similar dispositions. We both have a pretty high set-point of happiness, we are pretty laid back, and we both get excited over little things. We love going to the free zoo together on a weekend afternoon, and can tell detailed stories about how much fun we had, so heaven help you if we've been on a big trip and you ask how it was. (Mention our cruise, Disney, or our Europe trip and we'll whip out a scrapbook and gab for hours if you let us.) The point is, we enjoy spending time together.

The one big con is that we also share all the same anxieties. When we are worried about our fertility challenges, for example, we can find it hard to discuss. Though we usually talk about anything, each of us sometimes finds it hard to air our frustrations and potentially hurt the other. If N is having a good day with things and I am not, then I complain to him, it may bring him down again. It's a complicated set of emotions. Because we love each other, we want to spare each other pain. But because we are best friends, we rely on each other for this sharing. We have worked on this quite a bit, and I'm proud of the progress we've made. But it can be frustrating when you're asked to change hats for someone: be my friend now, not my husband. Anyway, I think it's a rare situation that leads to this exact issue. The fertility issue is a big one, and I don't think anything will ever match it for its general pain and awkwardness factor - between us or with anyone else.

Another small con is that it can be isolating. We like our other friends, but it's hard sometimes to compromise what we want to do with what they want to do. And most of the time, I'd just as soon hang out with N alone and do our thing. And maybe some of that is the infertility thing too. As I said above, it's awkward. And while we went through a stage where we told everyone everything, the pain and time of it have moved us into not wanting to talk much about it to anyone at all- even our parents. And really, if I don't talk to my mom about it, no one else has much of a chance of getting in. Anyway, that could be causing more isolation lately, because we only talk to each other about something that is a huge issue every day and never leaves our mind. But I do think we sometimes are isolated because our thoughts about the world at large don't coincide well with some of our friends, and it's jarring to be reminded of that sometimes.

At this point, I would like to make one thing really clear. Although N is my best friend, and we do enjoy spending time together, and I say "we" an inordinate amount...I am not one of those wives. I have no problem letting N do his thing with the guys, or whatever. I do not tie him down, I do not make him wait for permision to do anything. As much as we are a solid "we," we are also individuals. I cannot stand overly clingy women, or women who believe that codependence = love. Trust me, I know a few of them. If N wants to hang with the guys, he makes his plans (usually after weeks of bargaining with the friends who do have controlling wives), tells me about it, and off he goes. We are not attached at the hip. Also, though, I am not a "go out with the girls" kind of girl. I have it done it sometimes, but usually prefer to stay home with a good book. I have strange friendships. But I love having time alone. And no matter what the reason, time apart always gives N and I more to talk about when we get home. I fully support having time apart.

As another point, I have had a lot of friends over the years that I have referred to as my best friend. They have accumulated as I keep meeting more amazing people. And I still love all of them as much as I ever did. It's just that N is on another level. I'd say he's my bestest friend, if I didn't hate that made-up word so much.

I have been in this situation before. A was my best friend as well. I have been blessed to call two such amazing men husband, and even more so that I could call them both best friend. In thinking about how it is sometimes frustrating, I remembered when I didn't have them in one person. After A and I broke up (and before getting back together) I started dating another guy. He was a good guy, but not best friend material. Our relationship was ... I won't get into it. Suffice it to say that I often had reason to want to talk to a friend about the relationship. And I always called A. Though we had broken up, he was still my best friend. And even though he was still in love with me, he listened. It was the best thing he could have done. I soon realized (not soon enough, but I never do) that if he was truly my best friend, truly the person I wanted to call with everything, good or bad, then it made no sense not to be with him again. Why be in a less than satisfying relationship with someone who couldn't share everything with me and keep a best friend on the sidelines, when I could have everything I wanted all rolled up in one man?

So now when N and I find ourselves feeling frustrated with the issue of wearing too many hats, I remember that period of time, and I remind myself that this is the way it should be.

There are other reasons, too complicated to go into here, that I have a hard time sharing things with people. And I don't recommend only having one person to talk to. I have my mom, and my sisters, and certain friends that I talk to, but only to a point. I'm just weird that way. And if there's an issue that I have already talked to N about at length, I may want another opinion. Then I have to think carefully about the appropriate person to call. Sometimes, when I'm contemplating who to call, I wish A were available by phone. He would be perfect. Anyway, I'm just saying we all need more than one friend. But in my opinion the best friend should be the one you share your life with. And I think if you don't have that, you're missing something.

Facebook anxiety

My newest anxiety-inducing issue is my latest Facebook friend. I logged on to find a request from a woman at work. We are friendly, and I like interacting with her at work, but we have never had any contact outside of work. The way she found me was obviously through another coworker who is on my friends list. I probably should have drawn the line at them as well, but it's different. T and I are friends outside of work. Well, technically we've never hung out, but we talk on the phone all the time and we have a relationship that is not strictly about work. So when he got Facebook, I friended him. Then we were talking about it and another coworker, one of our lunch buddies, mentioned that she was Facebook too, so when she found me I friended her. I don't really have an out of work friendship with her, but we are lunch buddies. Now the newest friending happened and I feel weird about it. Based on having two other coworkers on there, I felt I couldn't defend a refusal. And I like her, so there's really no reason to refuse. But her position at work, while not actually above me, is one that makes me nervous about her seeing my private life online. Not that I have a real crazy private life. It's just the principal, I guess. And it's too late to worry about now. Ahh, the internet and the tangled webs it makes us weave.

I have a lot of anxiety these days in general, I guess it's good to have a new way to focus it.

Yes, I'm serious.

Recently, N and I joined a church. And before anyone has a chance to ask, no, I have not been struck by lightning yet. :)

There are people who will likely be surprised by this. And that's okay, I expected that. But people who know me really well ought not to be surprised, the ought to have seen it coming. I've always been a very spiritual person, although for years I rejected the traditional structure of church. And in a way I still do. But over the years I've learned that a community can be a good thing. And when N and I get around to having kids, I want them to have a community too. So there it is.

After all the time I spent rejecting the very idea, I expected to feel chagrined about this decision. I don't. I feel comforted.

nursing home thoughts

There's something about having four days off that really makes work kick your ass when you get back. Yesterday and today have both been crazy, and I see no end in sight. I'm taking a few minute breather to write in here because otherwise I might start tearing my hair out.

I've had two resident die in the last 3 days, one sort of expected, and one a complete surprise, and both broke my heart. It definitely makes you think about the decision to work in long term care. In some ways, it wasn't much of a decision. My friend J got me the job at the small facility where she worked at the time, and then I transferred to the big house, which we call it because it is the biggest nursing home in the state, but it also houses the corporate offices for the company. And before I became a nurse I worked in central supply, in staffing, as a nursing assistant and a TMA. So when I got my RN, I could have left and moved on the the hospital world, but by then this already felt like home. You really build relationships with people here, and their families, which you can't do during a three day hospital stay. And most days I love it. Usually I don't say I love my job, because the paperwork and the bureaucracy I could do without. But I do love interacting with the residents and being a part of their day. They make me laugh a lot. And on days like today, they make me cry. I think it's worth it, because it proves they had an impact on me if I am so done in when the dies. But it doesn't make it any easier. And there's no time to mourn when there's so much work to do.

OBAMA!!

Even though I wanted to stay home and watch the inauguration coverage all day, I had to come to work. But I did get to see Obama being sworn in and most of his speech, and I am so excited! I can't believe I am actually interestedin hearing a President talk. The last eight years, I had to read transcripts of speeches if I wanted to get the gist, and even then they were hard to stomach. Bush's voice was too much for me to take without an increased blood pressure. But things are changing, and I can't wait to see how it all plays out. I'll always remember where I was when he was sworn in. I hope someday I have grandchildren to tell about it.

Random Hostility

I am strangely amused by angry people on the internet. I can Stumble around for a whole night, looking at strange things and then reading the comments that people leave, and I love it when they get angry. It cracks me up. Like there'll be a picture of a dog hugging a baby, and some freak will be so outraged that a person would let this happen, not to mention take picures of it! They swear and call people names, and I just don't understand where all the hostility comes from, but it's hilarious! You should really try it sometime.

Liberalism

I really hate politics. The other night at work I really got into it with a coworker - a person that I generally get along really well with - over the abortion issue. I know, I shouldn't have been talking about it at work, but you know how these things get started. There were actually three of us, but two of us agreed and were debating the third, and it got emotional and the third walked out. I was worried, because I do really like this person, but it's always disturbing to find out just how much you don't have in common with someone. We share the fertility issue, so it's odd that it leads us to opposite opinions on abortion. Well, I had my opinion long before I knew I had issues, and it hasn't changed, but still. She pointed out that her fertility issue was the reason she felt so strongly about it. Anyway, the next day we talked, agreed to disagree, and things are okay. But it really got me thinking.

Anyone who kows me knows that I am extremely opinionated. And although I might apologize for offending someone at work, I won't apologize for who I am and what I stand for. And I am always thinking about what I stand for. Especially because I have recently acquired some Republican friends, which is disturbing to me. Actually, I hate labels. For example, I am liberal, there's no way around that, but I do not consider myself a Democrat. And I don't care, neccesarily, if someone considers themselves to be Republican, or conservative, or whatever. Because I don't think on party lines, anymore than I vote that way.

It's like this. I have an opinion on any given topic; let's say abortion, due to my recent discussion. I believe my opinion to be right, obviously, or what would be the point of having it? But part of my opinion is wrapped up in the idea that I may be wrong, that there may be another way to look at it. And that is the most important part, for me. What aggravates me about someone who is conservative on this issue, the pro-lifer, is that they do not see that there could be any other choice than their own. So it's not the position itself that bothers me, as much as the arrogance. Does that make sense?

I can explain it in more concrete terms. First I need to say that pro-choice is not the opposite of pro-life, as a standpoint. I think a lot of people make that mstake. Pro-choice is a middle ground. And my own personal take on the issue is this: I am against abortion. I don't like the idea of it, I don't think that I could do it myself (although I have never been tested, so who knows) and I wish there was a way that no one would ever need an abortion again. However. I am also a realist, and I believe it is necessary to function in the real world. Abortions will occur. There will be personal tragedies, medical emergencies, and stupid mistakes. We are human. And if we outlaw it, that will not stop these things from happening. Believing that it will is living in denial. If we force women to do it on the sly, in bad medical conditions with no one to oversee it, we will kill more people, rather than saving them. That's what I think. If it is legal, good doctors and nurses can help people.

The point here is that what my personal decision would be does not have any bearing on anyone else's personal decision. I can think of what I would do, but I can conceptualize that someone else might need to make a different decision. And it is not my place to judge or regulate that decision. Nor is it the government's place. In my humble opinion, this is an issue that should never even be on a ballot. And there are other issues that fall under this category too, but I won't go into that now.

And I don't like it when people play the religion card. I may not seem like it to some, but I am one of the most religious people I know. I've read your books, and I've gone to church, and I pray to the God I have known all my life. There is nothing you can say, nor any verse you can quote, that will convince me to change my mind.

So the big point is this: I have an opinion, but it is not as important to me as knowing that my opinion is not universal. Nor would I want it to be. And that is what bothers me the most about people who vote the conservative side. They have a opinion, and they do want it to be universal. What I believe, you should believe. What I do should be done by all. To me, that is horribly arrogant. And excuse me, but even if your conservative beliefs have a base in religion, does that give you the right to judge? Another reason the religious angle angers me. I do believe in God, but I don't believe he appointed me judge over anyone else. In fact, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't approve of it.