Drunk-dial

Yesterday was eight years since A died. A rough day, and actually rougher than I had thought. I woke up sick, called in late to work, slept some more, went in to work for two hours, came back home and read old journals and cried. And then, the worst. I wrote a really stupid e-mail to an ex.

While I was reading journals for memories of A, there was the journal about my relationship with M. All through that relationship were entries on A because he wasn't over me after our first break up and, let's face it, the feeling was mutual. (Even though I kept writing that it wasn't. How we lie, even to ourselves.) Anyway, I ended up reading all the parts about M as well, and I saw things I never saw before, because when I was 19 I was stupid, and I'm slightly less stupid now. At least I thought I was. Until I sent off an e-mail to M to tell him these things. Seriously?

And to make matters worse, I then sent a follow-up e-mail this morning, to say I shouldn't have sent the first one. Really, it's like I'm 19 again.

But the truly worst part is that I think I just wanted to reach out. N was working late, and I was home alone and sad (he stayed home cuddling me all morning before my doomed two hours of work, so it's okay that he had to work late). And I think I really was wishing I could e-mail A, and catch up with him. And since I can't do that... Yeah, it's not a good excuse, but there you are.

M has never shown any interest in being friends with me before, so I guess pushing him further away isn't an issue, but I feel bad. N laughed at me when he got home and I told him about it. (In a nice way, he's never mean to me.) He said I can't stand not being friends with people who used to be in my life. And it's true. I know friends with an ex is mostly a pipe dream, but it should be possible. It's a good thing N and I are so happy. No one else will ever have to date me and then live through the curse of me wanting to be friends after.

Ugh. I didn't drink, but I feel like I was drunk on tears, and that was my drunk dial. I'm such a stupid girl.

59 Questions

[1] What is your middle name?
Mae. For my great aunt.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Black.

[3] Are you available?
No, happily.

[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
No, but I've had a lot of close calls.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yes, I drive over the 35W bridge in Minneapolis that so famously collapsed in the summer of 2007.

[6] Are you taller than your mom?
Yes, she's a shorty.

[7] What curse do you say the most when you're pissed?
Fuck usually covers it.

[8] Are you God?
Yes. And so are you.

[9] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
I've only really had my heart broken once, and I'll never be over it.

[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Not usually.

[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My right shin. I tripped over a misplaced tool box at work today and now I have a huge dent which is starting to bruise.

[12] Do you often cry during a movie?
Yeah, I cry all the time.

[13] Last text message you received?
Hi, it's Nicholas, here's my new number.

[14] Who sent it?
Nicholas, obviously.

[15] Do you hate your life?
No, I love it.

[16] Do you get mad easily?
Yeah, I think I do. I try to get over it quickly though.

[17] Do you drink?
No. Very rarely, maybe once a year.

[18] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Intolerance. Learn about others' viewpoints, and if you don't like it, don't do it. But don't assume what is right for you is right for all.

[19] Are you cold?
No, I have N's giant blanket on me.

[20] Do any of your friends have kids?
Most of them. This is aggravating.

[21] Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever wants to.

[22] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
I'm happily married, and he's 2 years younger than me.

[23] Do you have any friends?
Thanks to the fact that I joined a coed fraternity in college, I have more than I know what to do with.

[24] Do you have any mean friends?
No, not really.

[25] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
brown.

[26] Have you ever dated someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
No, my friends have usually liked people. I had one boyfriend that my friends I grew up with didn't like, but my college friends were mutual. I married a man people in my family didn't like, but I loved him, so it didn't matter.

[27] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
It's one of those things I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself from doing. Not because I'm suicidal, it just flashes through my mind.

[28] Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Absolutely not. I think suicide is a cowardly escape.

[29] Do you scratch your ears?
If they itch...

[30] Who was the last person to hug you?
N.

[31] What brand are the pants/jeans you're wearing right now?
I have no idea. They are pajama pants with penguins on them.

[32] How tall are you?
5'6"

[33] What is the closest green object?
my t-shirt

[34] What is on your feet?
nothing

[35] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents have named you?
Steven

[36] If you could go back to any time period when would it be?
Ancient Greece, or Elizabethan England.

[37] Do you want to have kids?
Desperately. Unfortunately, my reproductive organs don't do what they're told.

[38] What is your favorite color?
green and pink

[39] Who is the friend you have that you thought you would never have?
My friend C, probably. N's best friend's wife. It's an unlikely pairing, but she rocks.

[40] Who do you hate the most right now?
I try not to hate anyone.

[41] What's your mother's middle name?
Dian. And no, I didn't forget the e.

[42] What kind of car do you want?
My current car is great, a white Chevy Aveo.

[43] What is your favorite video game?
Rock Band.

[44] Do you like your dad?
He died when I was 16. I think I would have liked him had I ever really gotten to know him, but the alcohol got in the way.

[45] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Friends, Gilmore Girls, Family Guy, Quantum Leap.

[46] Are you wearing make up?
No. I pretty much never do.

[47] Do you have a tattoo?
No. Never.

[48] Have you ever broken a pinata?
I've had them but I can't recall if I ever did the breaking.

[49] What time is it right now?
Time to watch Next Gen!!

[50] Do you know how to draw?
Yes. Do I do it well? No.

[51] Who loves orange soda?
I do, I do!

[52] Who is your hero?
My mom, A, N, my residents.

[53] Who did you last IM?
Jake!

[54] Do you work a lot of hours?
Usually only 40-45.

[55] Where were you 24 hours ago?
In bed, asleep.

[56] Who was the last person that called you?
C.

[57] Is there anything you regret?
Of course. But I don't dwell on it.

[58] Do you know where your family name originated from?
France, for a few, and really long time ago. Germany, also forever ago. That's all I know.

[59] Animal that creeps you out?
Squid.

I won!!

I did it! I wrote in a 50,000 word novel in thirty days! Okay, so it's a 51, 277 word novel, I finished it on day 29, and I mostly hate it. But it is a complete work of fiction, I wrote every day for 29 days straight, and I feel good! Woo hoo! I printed out the certificate they give you, and although I have no idea why it has squirrels on it, it makes me feel like a winner!

Now, December is for revisions...

New Moon

I saw New Moon last night. Of course I had reread the book so I could bitch about the inconsistencies. But then I was pleasantly surprised. It was not perfect, but there were less glaring errors than I expected, and definitely less than I expected. It was actually pretty good. Of course, I still have issues with the casting...I think Jasper is the best. And I want to love Robert Pattinson as Edward, because I love Edward, and would love to have the right visual, but I just don't. He's not Edward.

I was not pleased by the audience...I know it's a teen girl flick, but I went on a Tuesday to avoid that, and it didn't work. I think I am getting older, because I have very little patience for teenagers these days.

So, grade for New Moon...B+.

ennui

I, like Kurt*, am filled with ennui.

I was really struck today, starting as soon as the alarm went off, with a sense of the mundanity of life. Actually, it probably started last night, when I realized the next day was Monday. Sunday nights suck.

My thoughts aren't new or unique, and I cycle all the time. I just think, sometimes, that we're doing it wrong. You get up, you go to work, you eat dinner, you go to bed. You shop, cook, do dishes, do laundry, clean the bathroom. You do it all again next week. Now and then, if you're lucky, you get a vacation. You try to fit all the fun in you can on evenings, weekends, random vacation. Then it's back to the grind again.

And it's not even the mundanity of my own particular life. I actually think I have one of the more exciting lives in my little circle. But it still has days like today, when I feel like a rat in the race who doesn't particularly see the point of getting out of bed.

Then I got home. I brought in the mail and the groceries I bought on the way. I fed the dog. I showered. I started dinner. I was about drowning in my lassitude. Then N got home. He thanked me for doing all the mundane things. He kissed me and called me beautiful. And I remembered how blessed I really am, rat race or not.


If you don't know to what I am referring, that means you are not watching Glee. And you should be. It's sublime.

D

I have this friend, D. I wrote about him recently, and I also gave him this blog address recently.

Let me tell you a little about D and me. We met in seventh grade. I and another friend used to bug the crap out if him in math class, just to be weird. Apparently he was into it, because we became friends. All through high school we were pretty tight. We sat on the phone together while watching MTV, did Spanish class dialogues together, went to the movies together the night of the junior prom, and actually went to senior prom together. Over the years, I had some confusing feelings for him. Mostly I pushed them down. But in college it really hit me, and I told him about it. He said he felt it too! Then nothing happened. As I wrote about before, he finally told me he was gay. The world made sense again.

So, we have a long and bizarre history. That's one point. The other point is that I love him. More than almost anyone, and in a way I love very few people. He's definitely on the short list. This is in spite of the fact that we live halfwat across the country from each other and hardly ever talk or see each other. We always pick up where we left off, which is one of the things I love about him. As a person who always feels guilty about being a bad friend and not keeping in touch with people, I really appreciate someone who doesn't let that get in the way. Other reasons I love him, I can't explain. He just wiggled his way into my heart years ago, and now he's there forever.

A few weeks ago, he shared a story with me about something that happened to him, and the aftermath. It was in an e-mail. It couldn't have been an easy story to tell. And I fear I handled that badly. I replied with a bit of a scolding tone. He hasn't written back. So maybe he's mad, or maybe he's just been busy. But the fact that I think it might be a reaction to what I said means I have some guilt over it. I should have just been supportive. It's just that his story hit too close to some fears I have for him. I'm such a worrier.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that other people play by different rules than I do. Even though he is a friend, I can't judge him by my criteria. And I don't want to judge him. He is one of the smartest people I know, and he doesn't need me to rub his nose in anything. So, D, I'm sorry. I love you. I hope you are okay.

EDIT 11/16: D e-mailed me today. Yay! He wasn't upset, just bad at keeping in touch like me.

sick day

19,053 words. I can't believe I even had that many words in me, let alone still have more to say.

Today was really weird. Last night I woke up several times with stomach pain. Nothing happened other than pain, thank God, but I was so exhausted when the alarm went off that I asked N for my cell and immediately called in to work. It's totally out of character for me to do that. I actually meant to call in late, just to give myself a few more hours of sleep, but when I woke up again at one o'clock I figured it was justifiable just to stay home. I dozed until 4, then N came home soon after and we went out to dinner and to the Timberwolves game. We ate at Murray's, a fantastic steak place with an early bird special. It was especially good, being my only food of the day. The game was sad, since the T-wolves didn't only lose, but lost by a lot.

I felt super guilty about going out after calling in sick, but it was already planned. And I guess I must have really needed the sleep. And I was worried about having time to get my writing done for the day after the game, but it worled out. Of course, now I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. Blah.