D

I have this friend, D. I wrote about him recently, and I also gave him this blog address recently.

Let me tell you a little about D and me. We met in seventh grade. I and another friend used to bug the crap out if him in math class, just to be weird. Apparently he was into it, because we became friends. All through high school we were pretty tight. We sat on the phone together while watching MTV, did Spanish class dialogues together, went to the movies together the night of the junior prom, and actually went to senior prom together. Over the years, I had some confusing feelings for him. Mostly I pushed them down. But in college it really hit me, and I told him about it. He said he felt it too! Then nothing happened. As I wrote about before, he finally told me he was gay. The world made sense again.

So, we have a long and bizarre history. That's one point. The other point is that I love him. More than almost anyone, and in a way I love very few people. He's definitely on the short list. This is in spite of the fact that we live halfwat across the country from each other and hardly ever talk or see each other. We always pick up where we left off, which is one of the things I love about him. As a person who always feels guilty about being a bad friend and not keeping in touch with people, I really appreciate someone who doesn't let that get in the way. Other reasons I love him, I can't explain. He just wiggled his way into my heart years ago, and now he's there forever.

A few weeks ago, he shared a story with me about something that happened to him, and the aftermath. It was in an e-mail. It couldn't have been an easy story to tell. And I fear I handled that badly. I replied with a bit of a scolding tone. He hasn't written back. So maybe he's mad, or maybe he's just been busy. But the fact that I think it might be a reaction to what I said means I have some guilt over it. I should have just been supportive. It's just that his story hit too close to some fears I have for him. I'm such a worrier.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that other people play by different rules than I do. Even though he is a friend, I can't judge him by my criteria. And I don't want to judge him. He is one of the smartest people I know, and he doesn't need me to rub his nose in anything. So, D, I'm sorry. I love you. I hope you are okay.

EDIT 11/16: D e-mailed me today. Yay! He wasn't upset, just bad at keeping in touch like me.