pros and cons

When women at work get into Let's-bitch-about-our-husbands mode, I tend to tune out. I think I've ranted about this before.

It's like some kind of rite of passage; expected behavior. Little girls usually have a fairy tale romance fantasy, and the big wedding plans with the diamond engagement ring that could take your eye out, and the fluffy white dress. Whatever. Then they get married for real, and in no time they are complaining about their husbands. Somtimes I really feel bad for them; one of my friends says of her husband that he was the frat boy and she the sorority girl, then she grew up and he didn't. That's sad. But mostly I am just annoyed. I don't take part in the discussion, because I have no complaints. I am not bragging, but it's just the way it is. And if they badger me enough for me to actually say that I have no complaints, they tell me I haven't been married long enough. It will get worse, they tell me. What kind of a message is that?

It comes from the same culture that makes such horrible commercials. A man is painting his wife's toenails, or he writes a song for her, then the voice-over says, "Because you're not THAT guy" and it's an ad for some chain jewelry store selling diamonds. Which is another issue. I have friends who like diamonds, jewelry in general, so I try not to be so harsh about it. But seriously? If I had a husband who was a jerk and wouldn't spend any quality time with me, a diamond necklace would not fix it. I don't care for diamonds to begin with, and I certainly don't want them as consolation for marrying an insensitive moron. Why do we need to denigrate our relationships and our significant others? Why are we expected to settle?

The thing is, N is my best friend. There's no one in the world that understands me like he does, and no one I would rather talk to. There are pros and cons to this.

A big pro is that my best friend is always available. We live in the same house, share most of the same activites. I never have to worry that another relationship will supercede ours. You know, when you're single and your best friend suddenly has a new boyfriend and doesn't have time for you anymore. When my best friend and I fall in love again, as we do every day, it's with each other, and it never gets in the way of us being friends.

I have no boundaries with him. N is the only person on the planet to whom I can say truly anything. I don't have to be embarrassed about sharing intimate details in order to get a point across, because he already knows all the details - he was there. There's nothing we can't talk about. We're also really good at meta-conversations. We can talk about how we talk for ridiculous amounts of time. It's like DIY relationship counseling. :)

Although I'm not sure our friends would agree with this, N and I have remarkably similar dispositions. We both have a pretty high set-point of happiness, we are pretty laid back, and we both get excited over little things. We love going to the free zoo together on a weekend afternoon, and can tell detailed stories about how much fun we had, so heaven help you if we've been on a big trip and you ask how it was. (Mention our cruise, Disney, or our Europe trip and we'll whip out a scrapbook and gab for hours if you let us.) The point is, we enjoy spending time together.

The one big con is that we also share all the same anxieties. When we are worried about our fertility challenges, for example, we can find it hard to discuss. Though we usually talk about anything, each of us sometimes finds it hard to air our frustrations and potentially hurt the other. If N is having a good day with things and I am not, then I complain to him, it may bring him down again. It's a complicated set of emotions. Because we love each other, we want to spare each other pain. But because we are best friends, we rely on each other for this sharing. We have worked on this quite a bit, and I'm proud of the progress we've made. But it can be frustrating when you're asked to change hats for someone: be my friend now, not my husband. Anyway, I think it's a rare situation that leads to this exact issue. The fertility issue is a big one, and I don't think anything will ever match it for its general pain and awkwardness factor - between us or with anyone else.

Another small con is that it can be isolating. We like our other friends, but it's hard sometimes to compromise what we want to do with what they want to do. And most of the time, I'd just as soon hang out with N alone and do our thing. And maybe some of that is the infertility thing too. As I said above, it's awkward. And while we went through a stage where we told everyone everything, the pain and time of it have moved us into not wanting to talk much about it to anyone at all- even our parents. And really, if I don't talk to my mom about it, no one else has much of a chance of getting in. Anyway, that could be causing more isolation lately, because we only talk to each other about something that is a huge issue every day and never leaves our mind. But I do think we sometimes are isolated because our thoughts about the world at large don't coincide well with some of our friends, and it's jarring to be reminded of that sometimes.

At this point, I would like to make one thing really clear. Although N is my best friend, and we do enjoy spending time together, and I say "we" an inordinate amount...I am not one of those wives. I have no problem letting N do his thing with the guys, or whatever. I do not tie him down, I do not make him wait for permision to do anything. As much as we are a solid "we," we are also individuals. I cannot stand overly clingy women, or women who believe that codependence = love. Trust me, I know a few of them. If N wants to hang with the guys, he makes his plans (usually after weeks of bargaining with the friends who do have controlling wives), tells me about it, and off he goes. We are not attached at the hip. Also, though, I am not a "go out with the girls" kind of girl. I have it done it sometimes, but usually prefer to stay home with a good book. I have strange friendships. But I love having time alone. And no matter what the reason, time apart always gives N and I more to talk about when we get home. I fully support having time apart.

As another point, I have had a lot of friends over the years that I have referred to as my best friend. They have accumulated as I keep meeting more amazing people. And I still love all of them as much as I ever did. It's just that N is on another level. I'd say he's my bestest friend, if I didn't hate that made-up word so much.

I have been in this situation before. A was my best friend as well. I have been blessed to call two such amazing men husband, and even more so that I could call them both best friend. In thinking about how it is sometimes frustrating, I remembered when I didn't have them in one person. After A and I broke up (and before getting back together) I started dating another guy. He was a good guy, but not best friend material. Our relationship was ... I won't get into it. Suffice it to say that I often had reason to want to talk to a friend about the relationship. And I always called A. Though we had broken up, he was still my best friend. And even though he was still in love with me, he listened. It was the best thing he could have done. I soon realized (not soon enough, but I never do) that if he was truly my best friend, truly the person I wanted to call with everything, good or bad, then it made no sense not to be with him again. Why be in a less than satisfying relationship with someone who couldn't share everything with me and keep a best friend on the sidelines, when I could have everything I wanted all rolled up in one man?

So now when N and I find ourselves feeling frustrated with the issue of wearing too many hats, I remember that period of time, and I remind myself that this is the way it should be.

There are other reasons, too complicated to go into here, that I have a hard time sharing things with people. And I don't recommend only having one person to talk to. I have my mom, and my sisters, and certain friends that I talk to, but only to a point. I'm just weird that way. And if there's an issue that I have already talked to N about at length, I may want another opinion. Then I have to think carefully about the appropriate person to call. Sometimes, when I'm contemplating who to call, I wish A were available by phone. He would be perfect. Anyway, I'm just saying we all need more than one friend. But in my opinion the best friend should be the one you share your life with. And I think if you don't have that, you're missing something.