introspection

I never use the labels. Well, I did for a few posts, but then I stopped, when I realized I never remember what I used in previous posts, so lables will probably never matchup. I should work on that.

What I've been wondering about the last few days is this; what do people see when they look at me? When I was in college I read a really great story by Lorrie Moore called You're Ugly Too. I remember that the Professor and I loved it, while everyone else seemed offended by it. Of course, the two of us had grown up on the east coast and were living in the midwest, much like the main character, who had not a lot of good things to say about the midwest, so that makes sense. Anyway, there's a part where Zoe, the main character, is thinking about what it is about her that lets people recognize her when they see her. I wonder about that too.

But also, I wonder about friendships. I have friends that I think one way about, and they seem to have a different interpretation of our friendship than I do. And I wonder, what are they getting from me? Why are they happy to hear from me or see me, what am I doing that makes them want me as a friend? To be honest, I don't think I'm that great at the whole friend thing. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, for one thing. But I do think my closest friends know that I would be there for them in a pinch, even if we haven't talked in a while. I hope they know that anyway.

It's just a question of the differences between how we ourselves and how we are seen by others. Even in my marriage, I am constantly surprised that N sees good in me, so much so that he still loves me after seven years of seeing all my many faults. I have no idea who the person is that he thinks he is married to, but I often don't recognize myself in her. Thank God N does.

When I still considered myself a philosopher, this was one of my possible thesis topics. Odd then, that I can't even express it clearly here. It's come up again lately because circumstances in my life have really made me even more introspective than usual. Interactions with friends in the last few weeks really have me wondering about what they see, and how it matches up with what I know about myself. I think I know myself better than a lot of people do, but I just may be completely wrong about that.