what's wrong with me?

I have this thing about unhealthy relationships. Apparently I thrive on them. Okay, that's overstating it. I usually am very good at avoiding them. But there are a couple of examples that I cannot explain.

My friend B, for instance. He may or may not read this, but it wouldn't matter if he did. I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that B and I have a seriously screwed up past. I won't go over the whole thing, except to say that we are both guilty of hurting each other through the years, and not just once. But he hurt me in a way that no one else ever has. He drew blood, emotionally, and it took me years to close the wound. And despite all that, I made up with him and continue to count him as a friend. (We hardly ever see each other or talk, but the potential is there...technicalities count.) And the thing is, when I sit down and really think about the worst times, I am still really angry. But I always find a way to justify having smoothed it over. Why? Why do I want to keep that pain so close?

The reason this is coming up now is that I realized another situation had come up that may have some things in common with the B situation. This time it's my ex, M. We dated in college for less than a year. It was a weird situation from the get go. I have never been able to get into his head, which was part of the problem. We were friends before the relationship, but neither his friend nor his girlfriend could get in. In any case, my theory is that he never wanted to date me in the first place. He was sick at the time, with an illness he has since recovered from. But he was young, it was his last year of college, and he wanted to have some fun. Trouble is, he has a conscience, like a good midwestern boy, and couldn't have fun without strings. So he sought out a relationship. This much I know straight from the horse's mouth. What I pieced together on my own is that the girl he really wanted wasn't available, and he knew I was interested, so there we were. This may or may not be true, but it helps my ego, believe it or not, to believe that the problem started before I was even involved.

Anyway, we dated. It was frustrating. I was coming off a relationship with a man who told me he loved me after two weeks, and was still telling me, even after I had run scared. (I married him later, thank God, but I digress.) M never told he loved me. We discussed it, but it was never the "right time" for him. Also he ignored me for large chunks of time. We mostly connected through sex.

Wow. I just read through that and it sounded horrible. There were some fun times. I enjoyed being with him. But he did withold himself from me, and in the end I couldn't live with that. After a suitable period, I wanted to be friends again. There were some other obstacles in the way, such as A and M not liking each other. So I didn't try to contact M until after A died. We spoke briefly, then he disappeared. Over the years, I have thought of him on and off, but never was able to reach him. Until one day, about a year ago, he showed up on Facebook. I tried to talk to him, and...nothing. When he finally does write back, it's curt and acerbic. His excuse is that I'm an ex. Really?

We dated over a decade ago. That alone should be enough to clean the slate. We were friends once, and our break up was amiable. Why are we still hanging on the "ex" factor? Also, our relationship didn't seem to mean much to him at the time, so why does it have to mean everything now? By the way, we are actually Facebook friends now, but he never responds to anything from me.

So of course the question comes, why am I so concerned about him not wanting to be friends with me? And the answer is, I don't know. N says that I can't stand it when people don't like me, which must be true of everybody, but doesn't explain it. I mean, there are other peope who don't like me, and I'm not concerned about them. But I think if I was once friends with somebody it seems weird not to be friends with them, even if they hurt me worse than anyone, or were once my boyfriend.