Okay to stay at home?

Once upon a time, when N and I first started talking about the possibility of having kids some day (before we knew there would be agonizingly long years of waiting for it), the subject of one of us staying home with them came up. N was dead set against it. He cited the benefits of having a two parent income, as well as the benefit of the child being socialized in a daycare and preschool environment. All good arguments. But he also had some bias, because he had known some stay-at-home-moms and had seen the negative. They were unhappy, unfulfilled, complained about their duties and watched soap operas all day. Seriously, he said he had seen these things with some girlfriends' moms. I debated him. I said it didn't have to be all stereotype and it could be good for the child to have someone at home. A's mom stayed home and was great, and I believed in what she had done. A's mom (and Dad) are also the only hard-core Christians (that I know) that I really respect, because they are not hypocrites in any way. They don't say one thing on Sunday and do another all week long. If they believe it isn't right, they don't do it. So apparently her s-a-h-m example is stellar and out of the ordinary as well.

Now I have a friend that is staying home and I disagree with the decision. Which means nothing, of course, because it is not my decision to make. (There's only a slight chance that she'll read this. I want to make the disclaimer in case she does, but also because it is true: I have no right to judge, and I don't. Not really. I've just been confused about it for a while and I'm letting off some steam.) Anyway.

In the past, I have defended the s-a-h-m position. But I have seen the error of my ways. First of all, what good does it do the child to be around mom all day and not get used to being around other kids? Yes, there are play groups. But every day for 8 plus hours? No. And mom is usually at the play group, so it's not a separation, which the child needs. N and I both spent our early years in daycare and preschool and we both loved it.

The question of money is an issue too. It's non of my business in this particular case, and I haven't asked details. But I don't think they do much better than scrape by. And that seems unfair to the whole family if you ask me. In general, it's a concern I have because I see a lot of my friends having economic issues and it worries me.

And here's another thing. People end up either resenting that they are not with other adults all day, or talking about it. My friend L, whom I love, has said or implied numerous times that she no longer has anything in common with people or anything to talk about. Talking about the possibility of getting in touch with a guy she was friendly with in high school, she said to me, "I didn't call because he is a single guy with a career and I am a stay at home mom. What would we talk about?" Seriously? If I said that another friend was single and traveled for a living while I am a married nurse so we had nothing in common, people would think that was weird. If it supposed to be a career choice, then how does that make sense? And I fully support the idea that choosing to stay home should be just as valid a choice as a career in this post-women's-movement-world. Theoretically. But if you make this choice and it ends up making you feel isolated and out of touch, so much so that you comment on it, how can that be the right choice?

Like I said, just letting off steam. Maybe for some people it is the right choice, but I don't think I can support it.