In Vitro Blues

Here's what I don't really talk about: my fertility issues. Okay, that's not true. I do talk about it, a lot, mostly to people at work. But I'm usually just answering questions, filling people in on the steps of the IVF process. This usually makes people extremely excited, so what I usually have are upbeat conversations. So when I say I don't really talk about it, what I mean to say is that I don't talk about how I feel about it. This is for a few reasons.

N and I have had 9 couple friends have babies since we started trying. 2 of those couples now have 2 kids. This is not to mention my niece, several coworkers, and about every third woman I see on the street. While this is possibly the worst thing that could happen to me, it is, of course, one of the best for each of them. It is hard to express anguish in the face of such joy (not to mention inappropriate) and equally hard to honestly express joy.

Most of the above mentioned people have no clue. Not because they are generally clueless people (they are my friends, after all) but because it is difficult, if not impossible, to really grasp what someone else is going through. I've learned this through earlier experiences. As long as they are not grasping it, you can't really share. Much like when mourning, you get a response that is the best they can give but comes across as painfully inadequate.

To make matters harder for people to understand, N and I live a mostly perfect life. I don't mean to sound like a brat, but coming from where I've come from, it's true. We have a fabulous relationship with each other, a beautiful house, great jobs, really amazing friends, we travel fairly often, our families are amazing...
I guess it's hard to grasp why we are so sad about what we don't have. Not only to outsiders, but to us too.

Combine all of this, and you get a difficult, wildly frustrating situation. Especially after 11 new babies and 4.5 years. It seems like the cherry on the sundae, but to us a baby is more like the ice cream...like we have all the prep done, but can't build the sundae without that essential base.
That's not entirely true. We are mostly happy on any given day. But there are moments. These are the moments I don't talk about.

Now, all that said, I should clarify that I love all the babies. And I will be baby L's godmother, which is amazing. I really look forward to everything that goes along with that.

And I hope to soon be looking forward to my own bundle of joy. I'll keep you posted.