introvert

I am an extremely introverted person. 90% of the time I am in my own head, analysing every little thought. This is the reason I am so opinionated, and I guess I often come across as abrasive in discussions. I know that I have thought every opinion I have to death, and then thought some more. My faith in the greater part of the population is low, so I don't believe every one has done the same thing, making it hard for anyone to sway me. I don't mean to say that I won't change an opinion, but it doesn't happen easily. If I don't have an opinion yet, you'll find me very quiet on the subject. But there aren't many things I don't have an opinion on.

The strange thing is that I don't think I seem like an introvert. I am pretty well known at work, I spend time talking to people, I seem to share things about my life. My friends always know I will have something to say. But in reality, what I show on the surface is only a little bit of the real me. There are plenty of times that I find myself agonizing over who to call when something comes up, because I realize there is no one with whom I have shared the steps leading up the the newest event, and I would have to share too much to explain it all.

Part of this is also connected to my inability to keep in touch with people. My friends often tease me that I don't call, don't answer my phone. The thing is, sometimes it will take too long to catch up to where we are now, and it seems too hard, so I don't talk at all.

Yesterday I was checking my facebook and I had a cryptic message from my niece. She and I are only three years apart, and when we were kids we were practically inseparable. As we grew up, we grew apart. It's partially because we had very different paths, and partially due to laziness, I guess. I called her to find out what was going on and we talked a long time. I miss her. I was glad that she reached out a little and sent me that message, and I found myself wondering why she doesn't do this more. And then I realized that I don't do it for her either. And unlike my other nieces and nephews, I can't expect that she would come to her aunt for "advice." We are more like sisters, or we used to be, and we should go to each other as sisters would, as friends would.

But I have a problem going to my friends. Ask any of them. I'm sure they could name some of the issues in my life, but I bet they couldn't tell you a lot about the feelings I've shared with them about it. Because, for the most part, I haven't. There are of course, exceptions. There are times I have broken down in a crisis, but it's not an every day kind of sharing. The only person I tell everything to is N. I used to tell everything to A. Everybody else is . . . held at a distance, I guess. I'm not even sure why.