Today is a day of emotions. I'm back at work on a Monday, which usually puts me in a weird mood in the morning, but then I mellow out as the day goes one because I usually like my job, once I'm actually there. And Mondays can sometimes be really busy, depending on how the weekend went, so then I might not have time to be whiny if I'm running around all day.
But my mom is leaving soon, probably the day after tomorrow, which means the two weekends I had with her are over. While she is here I usually get really frustrated with her (although the more I grow up, the less we argue and the less I am angry with her while she is with me). And then as soon as she is talking about leaving I get all sad and want her to stay.
And to make matters worse, I had an appointment with my psychologist this morning. N went with me, which I think was a good thing. He is a little skeptical of the whole psych thing, but I wanted him to see what I do there, for him to understand why I need it. The thing is, I know we have anxiety and some depression relating to the fertility issues. And with him I think it is completely situational. With me, not so much. People have been telling me most of my life that I am probably depressed, but I haven't dealt with it. I've been okay on my own. Usually I'm a pretty upbeat person, and then I have down days, and I use my resources and move on with my life. But adding the infertility to the mix has made it more than I can handle on my own. And a stranger with no emotional investment in my life seems like the perfect person to talk to.
I can talk to N, and I do, all the time. But sometimes it's nice to have someone else. And when I'm in her office and feeling fine and then one question or comment from her brings on the tears, I know I'm wound a little too tightly. Plus, she can say things that he can't. This morning I told her about my mom's leg infection drama, and she made comments that I would have been angry with N for making, even though I know they are true. Sometimes you need a stranger.
So then we talked after the appointment and I think he finally gets why I want to continue with therapy, at least for now. But now I'm at work, and I just want to go hom and hang out with him and spend some time with my mom before she leaves. Mondays are so long!
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1 comment:
I'm a big believer in therapy. Everyone needs someone they can talk to--someone who will listen without judging and ask the questions that it's hard for your friends and loved ones to ask you.
At the end of the day, though, it only matters what YOU think about it and how it makes YOU feel. After all, you're not going there for N, you're going there for you!
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