unpatriotic

The other day I commented on fellow blogger Amber's post (and I knew her briefly in college - weird!) and I have been thinking I should make my own post about it. Her post was about how she's conservative in a censervative-bashing time, and she listed some beliefs. I would agree that it's probably difficult to have conservative views at this particular time, and as a person with liberal views I can say that I honestly appreciate someone who can defend her beliefs in an intelligent manner, no matter which way she leans.

What I felt the need to comment on was her belief that the flag should not be burned or mistreated in any way because people died for it, and that burning it was not free speech. And I disagree. Burning the flag has to be considered free speech. The people who fought and died for our freedom, whatever that means, did it for the country and what it stands for, not for the flag. The flag is just a symbol, and giving more power to the symbol than to that which it represents is a mistake, in my opinion. If I am not allowed to express myself by saying anything negative about my country, then I do not have real freedom of expression. Burning the flag may upset people, but we can't filter what it allowed to be expressed that way. Where would we draw the line?

There are a lot of things people say and I that I do not agree with. But I, like Voltaire, will defend that person's right to say it. Where I draw the line is at hurting someone else, and I don't mean hurting feelings. Yes, there is some importance in courtesy and thoughtfulness in dealing with people, which I try to practice. But tact is one thing, and rights are another. I would be very angry to hear someone yelling slurs at a gay person walking down the street, or rallying against them in a campaign. But they have a right to do that. They do not have the right to physically assault a person due to sexual orientation (or any other reason). I think it's a pretty clear line. Burning the flag may upset someone, but it doesn't hurt anyone.

I think it's hard to remember that people of the opposite opinion have just as much right to express it as you do, but I also think it's important. And sometimes it works in your favor. Part of the reason my President is in office is that Palin was allowed to express any and every stupid thought that came into her head. Good for her, and good for me.

Also, what is this deal with people saying that people fought and died for the flag, or the country, or whatever? I know a lot of people in the military right now, many of who have been deployed in the last few years, some multiple times, due to this fiasco we're currently engaged in. And I can tell you that most of them are not there to "fight and die" for anything. There are many reasons people join the military; they need some direction, they need to pay for college. they want to travel. And then sometimes you end up in a war. I'm willing to bet that the majority of men that fought in all our previous wars had similar reasons. Not to mention that many of them were drafted. I'm sure some people go in with big dreams of defending their country, but I think most people just end up there.

I'm not anti-military, but I'm also not a big fan. I guess I'm thankful in the sense that I'm glad someone is willing to do it, since I wouldn't be, but that's as far as it goes. There are people who are happy I'm willing to take care of theoir mom or dad in old age, because they are not willing to, but that doesn't make me a hero. I support the military in wanting them to come home safely to their friends and families, but I don't support what they are doing. And again, for most of them, they have no choice. Once you're in, you do what the job requires.

I know people will think I am unpatriotic. I'm sure Bush and his cronies would like to find people like me and root us out. The thing is, I am very grateful to live in a country where I can be free to have an opinion about my government, where there are ample resources and potable water. I am grateful that my lot in life was to be born here, and I feel blessed. But I don't feel proud. I don't feel like that's an appropriate emotion. And even though there are many wonderful things about living here, there are definitely some things that the government has done that I am specifically not proud of. Patriotism is not a good enough reason to censor people. If you want to really pay people back who "fought for the flag," then allow it to be used in the service of fully expressing the right that it represents.

scrapbooking and knitting

On Saturday my friend C and I sat in my church with a bunch of other ladies and worked on our scrapbooks, for over nine hours!! The event was scheduled 9-9, and I didn't think we'd stay so long. We showed up at about 1130, most of the ladies were already dug in. There was lunch and dinner provided, which was excellent - N wasn't kidding when he told me Lutherans are all about food. So C and I talked and scrapbbooked, and before we knew it, it was 9pm and we were all packing up to go. It was a blast. I got a whole scrapbook done of the trip N and I took to South Dakota last August. Yay!

Also, C said she'd teach my to crochet. My mom tried to teach me to knit a few visits ago and it didn't stick. But I do want to do something like that. The thing is, all I do is read. And there's noting wrong with that - I love reading and I plan to keep it up. But you don't have anything to show for it after reading a bunch of books, and I'd like to have some sort of productive hobby. Scrapbooking doesn't count either, because I only really do it for our trips, and I don't plan on getting really intense about it. It can be a really expensive, time-consuming habit. And I saw some beautiful things on Saturday, which I really respect. But for me it's just a neat way to combine our trip pictures with all the silly stuff I save along the way. So I like to be a little creative with it, but I won't be getting quite that into it. Knitting or crocheting would be fun, if I could ever catch on.

Actually, I just finished The Friday Night Knitting Club. It made me want to knit, definitely, but it also made me want to write. Because I think I could do at least that good of a job. I mean, it had some interesting characters, who now and then had some interesting things to say, but overall the plot was trite and the story a bit contrived. And the writing was far less than exceptional. If that's all it takes to get published, then surely I could do it. It's frustrating to me that I haven't done it yet.

open mind

Yesterday I wrote about me being judgmental, and today I'm going to talk about other people doing it.

About a month ago, I went to see Katy Perry at First Ave with a friend of mine, C. She's 28, I'm 31. It was 15 and up for the concert, which we found really amusing. I had been excited about it because I had never been to First Ave, and we were both excited because we think Katy Perry is adorable. And we had a blast. The opening band (The Daylights, I think?) was actually really good, Katy was even better live, and the whole atmosphere was just fun, fun, fun!

Then I tried to tell people about it. Other friends here, my friends and family at home (we went to the cape just days after the concert), and everybody rolled their eyes at me or made fun of me and didn't listen. Okay, I know not everyone has the same taste in music, but you could at least have an open mind. Just being young, or a pop artist, or having your music played on a certain station, does not mean you don't have talent. And not all music has to be so serious and deep. This used to drive me crazy about A, and now it drives me crazy with other people too.

My favorite bands are the Indigo Girls and Queen. I have pretty diverse tastes, and I appreciate real talent. But I also like new things and having fun with music, and I don't equate young and new with meaningless. I think if some of the people who rolled their eyes at me had been at that concert, they would have a different opinion. Like I said, Katy had the rare distinction of sounding even better live, as well as being very funny, self-deprecating and honest. I liked her, and I like her music now more because of it. And if I had blocked out that experience because of some misguided snobbery, I would have missed something good.

I'm not suggesting that every single person has to love every single musician. I do appreciate that people have different tastes. But if someone tells you about something they are into, and it is someone you trust or like in other situations, give them the benefit of the doubt and listen.

FYI, this goes for things other than music. And I have to point out that I hate it when people, of either gender, say things like, "I hate chick flicks." If you're female, I have the impression that you say this because you are hoping it will make guys like you more. Especially if you turn to the guy in the room and ask if he hates them too. If my husband is the guy in the room, you're out of luck - he likes them even more than I do. And if you're a guy who says it, I think you are insecure. I like that N made me go to the midnight showing of the Sex and the City movie (and was the only guy there), because I like that he can be himself with me and not be afraid of me judging him. Look, maybe some people do just hate the genre as a whole. But it seems strange to me that you would dismiss a whole category, no matter what it is. I would never say, "I don't like dramas." Or adventure movies, or comedies, or kung-fu flicks...whatever. Because there's probably one counterexample for each group. But maybe that's just me.

I guess it's similar to the feeling I had when I was doing a survey on Facebook the other day and came across a question about a movie I like that I wouldn't want anyone to know about. Why wouldn't I want anyone to know? If I like it, I have no shame in liking it. Do I think that Bring It On can compare in quality to Casablanca? No. But do I enjoy it just as much? Yes.

And it's the same with my reading. Everyone who knows me knows that I love to read. And I don't always have the most discerning taste. Again, I know that Twilight does not bear resemblance to Pride and Prejudice, but I loved it anyway. Sometimes, I have to admit, I do say that I don't like romances. But that's because I have read many of them, and feel that the formula is a little tired. But I still pick one up now and then, because sometimes it's just fun.

I guess the point is to be open minded and not just read or watch or listen to only one thing, blocking out all other options. Get out there, try some things, live a little. And be yourself. I mentioned before that I love that N can be himself with me, and I am glad that I can be myself with him as well. Too often I see people holding themselves back or trying to change because of a significant other. If you start out not being yourself, you either have to keep that up forever, or face what will happen when you finally let yourself out and they see the real you. So you might as well start out with representing the real you. Well, that's probably a rant for another day.

hypocrite

This is my 50th post. Huzzah! Not that it matters much, as I have a readership of aproximately 2. I never thought that I would be concerned about that. I thought I would do the whole blog thing as a way to journal without having to carry one around. But I find I don't treat it like that at all. I get worried that I'm not interesting, I try to think of topics, and I don't write what I would in a journal at all. So I started wondering how people get followers, and then I thought...I should start following others. But how? I have a hard time getting into another person's blog unless I know them...so I guess people would have that problem with me too. Ah well...I guess I'll just write for me and the other two, and move on with my life.

Here's an uncomfortable truth about me: I am judgmental. I pride myself on being tolerant and open minded, but I am a hypocrite. I am intolerant of people who are intolerant. It sounds stupid, but there it is. Therefore, I find myself in the position of cringing when someone says they are a Republican or have conservative views. (Keep in mind, this is mostly in reference to social issues...other things are lower on the totem pole for me.) Or worse, a friend on facebook has their beliefs lasted that way.

I know it seems strange that I would be concerned with being friends with a person with different views. I think people should get to know people with differeing opinions and learn from them...theoretically. But in practice, it is difficult. I often feel, when I'm with a friend who has opposite opinions from me, that I have to defend myself. I would be fine with agreeing to disagree and focusing on what we do have in common, but sometimes that doesn't seem possible. Certain friends can't stop themselves from broaching touchy subjects, and then I can either say what I really feel - which will lead to someone getting upset - or let it go - which will lead to me being frustrated with myself and my friend. Like religion, I think politics should not be discussed in company unless you're willing to get into it all the way.

I've discussed my political views before, and why I think it is better to have an opinion based on the idea that you are choosing for yourself, and not the world, so I won't get all into it now. And the same with religion, by the way. But in any case, I have a problem with my hypocrisy. My husband would say that it is better to know you are a hypocrite than to be one and not know...which is nice, but maybe not enough to get off the hook.

And while I do have some fear of discussions turning into arguments, I have to admit that I wonder, when I see someone listed as conservative, what really goes in their head. How that pours over into the rest of their life. I judge them, is what I'm saying. I need to work on that.

meme

Since I wanted to blog today, but couldn't get anything meaningful out of my messy head (what else is new?), I stole a meme from one of my favorite bloggers. So thanks to the ferrett.



Who Am I?
I'm truth-monkey, also known as Amanda. I'm 31, a wife, a nurse, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a dog-mom. I like my job, I love my husband and our life, I want to be a mom so bad I could scream, but that hasn't happened yet. I believe in love, learning, and yes, God too (but that's a whole different issue). I'm the most introspective person I know, which is often annoying.


Who Am I Involved With, And For How Long?
I'm married to N. We met just over seven years ago, not very long after my first husband, A, had died. I wasn't looking for anything new, N just fell in my lap. I tried to stop it from happening at first, but our connection was too right to be ignored. He saved me, and gave me a new life. And even though he never met A, he also helps me keep his memory alive. N is the best person I know, my best friend as well as my lover.


Where Do I Live?
We live in our amazing house in Wyoming, MN. It's a split level, four bedrooms, with great lighting. It was the fifth house we saw on the first day of looking, and as soon as we pulled in the driveway, we knew it was our house. We have a big back yard for our crazy dog, Loki (who has Marley beat hands down in the category of naughty dogs), a sunroom, and a room downstairs for my library. it's perfect, and we're never moving again. The only drawback is that people get wimpy about har far away it is from the metro (40 min) and don't come over all that often. Oh, wait. . .Did I call that a drawback?




What Do I Do?
I'm an RN, and right now I work as a nurse manager in a long term care facility in Minneapolis. It's a 38 bed unit, and I basically follow up on nurses and nursing assistants, as well as coordinate with the social worker, dietician, etc. Basically, it's an office job but I can still use my nursing skills, have weekends and holidays off, and make good enough money. Also, I get to hang out with the nursing home residents, which is the best part of the job.



What Are My Political/Religious Leanings?
I always describe myself as super liberal. But I don't think that covers the whole picture. I think I would vote Libertatrian if they could get themselves together. I am very socially liberal, and I have pacificst leanings. I do not consider myself a Democrat, but I think mainly I just don't like boxes. And I try not to be judmental, but if a Republican said it, I probably disagree.


What Are My Notable Maladies?
I have acid reflux, which is annoying but also well managed by meds so far. While I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac in my head, I actually don't have a lot wrong with me. My only really notable malady is infertility, which I'm not sure qualifies as a malady. Maybe a mental illness, which is more what it feels like. N and I have been trying for over 5 years, and I just had a miscarriage last month, after getting pregnant by IVF. This means that I can get preganant, which is supposedly good news, but my brain doesn't interpret it that way yet. We'll just have to see what the next attempt brings, once I'm ready for that.

What Are My Notable Hobbies?
I read. A lot. Incessantly. When I'm not reading, there are tons of other things I like to do, most of which also involve hanging out with my husband. (Actually, reading usually involves that too, since he's most likely to be next to me on the couch with his laptop.) I'm a huge Twins fan, so now that baseball season has started, I am often watching or listening to a game or (better yet) going to one. I love movies, trying new restaurants, traveling (love road trips!) and talking on the phone with my family. But usually, I'm reading.

Questions?
I don't think there'll be any, but I'll answer if there are...

confrontation

I had a really uncomfortable encounter with a resident's daughter today. We have clashed before, so I knew going in that it wasn't going to be pleasant. She had called my big boss and complained about a situation with her mom and my handling of it, about which I got an email. It just so happened that when I read the e-mail I had just seen her visiting her mom, so I went to find her.

Okay, so this situation started at the very end of February. Obviously, I can't talk about the actual situation. But there was a situation, the daughter was upset about it, she didn't like how I was handling it, I changed tactics and I thought it had been resolved. Now it's almost six weeks later, and I get this email. So I went to talk to her. She swears up and down that I said I would "follow up" with her, which I know I didn't do because A) I wouldn't say that in this kind of a situation, and B) there was nothing to follow up about, since I told her in person what was to be done. She got angry, I tried hard not to get angry.

I hate confrontation. N may not believe this, because I am okay with confrontation with him, the person in the world with whom I am the most comfortable. But it's hard to say to a resident's daughter, "Please don't use the word dumb, I am a professional and I don't appreciate that," without crying. Seriously, the womans said to me, "That was a dumb suggestion and you should have known better." Really? And then when I told her that I had been alerted by my boss that she was upset and I wanted to address it, she got all angry about that, yelling that she had been very calm on the phone, and why would something think she was upset? She made me look up the email and tell her what it said, and it actually said "very angry," so my choice of the word upset was actually backpeddling. In any case, she definitely does not realize how she comes off. What I really wanted to do was run away, but that wouldn't have solved anything. So I bit my lip, literally, not figuratively, and got through to the end. I think it ended well, and amicably, but it wasn't fun getting there.

I don'tknow why confrontation makes me cry. It's just a physical reaction...if there is a confrontation, tears immediately spring to my eyes. I have to bite my lip, or dig my nails in my hand or something to stop them from falling. I don't want to look weak, but I can't help it. Obviously, the actual arguemtn or whatever isn't fun either, but I would deal so much better if I didn't have to battle the water works the whole time.

God and the Indigo Girls

I think that God is speaking to me through the Indigo Girls.

Or, my already over-analytical mind is reading too much into everything in the wake of our little tragedy, and I've been listening to IG a lot, allowing me to read into them more than usual.

The first one sounds way more interesting. I have been listening to them a lot lately, because the new album came out, and I finally replaced all the other albums I was missing, so it's been fun catching up. And there have been some lyrics that really get to the heart of things, although that's always been true of the girls, which is why I love them so much.

From Despite Our Differences, I Believe in Love, " there are avenues and supplements and books stacked on the shelf, labyrinths of recovery in search of our best self, but most of what will happen now is way out of our hands so just let it go see where it lands."

N and I have been talking a lot lately about letting go, trying the whole "Let go and let god" thing. But we do have avenues and books and labyrinths of recovery all involved in this whole endeavor. It's a lovely saying, "let go and let god, " but it's a lot harder than it sounds. Like faith isn't hard enough on its own, but then you have to add the idea that the concept you're trying so hard to believe in will take care of your heart's desire better than you could. It's a lot to swallow. But strangely, it's easier when things are this hard anyway. And more neccessary.

Then there's Everything in its Own Time, from Shamin of the Sun, "A lesson learned, a loving God and things in their own time, In nothing more do I trust. . . And when the winds have blown things round and back again What was once your pain will be your home Everything in its own time Everything in its own time."

Again, the idea that things come in their own time, that there is a plan, is lovely but difficult. But if we can have a baby, if we can get there, then I think our pain will be our home.

I'm glad that Noah and I made the choice to go to church when we did. It's comforting now, if still a little confusing. And yes, I know that religion is the opiate of the masses, blah, blah blah. I know I am falling into the same trap of those that I have mocked for years. I'm okay with that. Sometimes, things are too heavy to carry on your own. And if I have to be a hypocrite to lessen the load, then so be it. Only I don't even think of it as hypocrisy. I've always wanted to make the leap, to get back to where I had been before the doubt came creeping in, in the wily guise of knowledge. But I could never make it on my own. So now I have this pain, which gives me the fuel to make it further across the great divide than I have in years.

And I have, apparently, the Indigo Girls to help interpret. It could be worse. :)

The trip and what it didn't solve

So I went home to get away from it all...and really I ended up right in it. What else was I expecting? Although my brother didn't show up, and my mom wasn't even in the state, the sisters pulled through. The M clan can never get together without some drama ensuing. This time I did manage to be uninvolved and escaped unscathed, but the psyche still recoils at the lengths my family will go to piss each other off. Histrionic should be our last name. What are you going to do?

I did see some really cute babies and little kids, and I saw friends, and all the sisters were cool before and after the drama moment. So overall it was a good trip. I told everyone the bad news, and it made it seem first more real, then more dealable, the more often I told it. I had a miscarriage. Now that everyone knows, I figured I could mention it here. It was only 8 weeks, but it was the furthest we've ever gotten...now I will never be able to say that I have never been pregnant. This is both good and bad. The doctors say it's good that I actually got pregnant, that it means we may be able to get there. It's bad for obvious reasons. And I find that I am sick of talking about it, and also don't know how to stop. Maybe when we start the next round I will have something else to concentrate on.

The new Indigo Girls album (which rocks!) has a song called Second Time Around that I've been obsessed with. The whole song is great, but the important part is

I got bitten by the bitter bug, and now I just can't get enough
of ill will and my own conceit
I'm weary of the world, it seems
I'm wearly of the world, weary of the world it seems.
It's sort of always gone my way
I'm just a little bit off these days

That's how I feel. I know I have so much. But I am still weary of this.

I need a theme. It seems I don't have an interesting enough life, or even inner life, to sustain a good blog. I need a theme. Hmm...