tats

I'm cool because comebacknikki gave me a shout out. Thanks!

Okay, I am really bothered by tattoos. I try not to be. I know many lovely people that have them, and I really don't try to be judgmental, but I can't stand tattoos. First of all, have a fear of hepatitis, among other things, so I wouldn't want to get involved in the whole thing. But aside from that, I really don't like how they look. It's like visual pain and awkwardness for me. So if I know you and love you and you have a tattoo, I apologize. But please don't show it to me if you can avoid it.

Arizona

So we went the weekend in Arizona with my mom. It was really good to see her. She seems very happy and their little conod is adorable. But still, I don't get it. I wouldn't live out there if you paid me. I know it is cold in Minnesota (not as cold as some people would like to think, but that's another issue), and sometimes N and I like to get out for a while in the middle of winter and go somewhere warm. But only for a short time, and then I look forward to being at home. Call me crazy, but it's December. December is supposed to be cold. A vacation is one thing, but having no winter at all would just depress me. And then I would rather be in Florida...Arizona is depressing.

On the lighter side, we did have fun. We saw some cool stuff, my mom was so excited to show off her home, we did our little Christmas present exchange. Also cool was that I got to see my friend D and his apartment. I miss him and hate that we don't see each other often, so I'm glad I got a chance to see his place and catch up a little.

Now I'm back at work, which is blah, but it's a short week.

Okay to stay at home?

Once upon a time, when N and I first started talking about the possibility of having kids some day (before we knew there would be agonizingly long years of waiting for it), the subject of one of us staying home with them came up. N was dead set against it. He cited the benefits of having a two parent income, as well as the benefit of the child being socialized in a daycare and preschool environment. All good arguments. But he also had some bias, because he had known some stay-at-home-moms and had seen the negative. They were unhappy, unfulfilled, complained about their duties and watched soap operas all day. Seriously, he said he had seen these things with some girlfriends' moms. I debated him. I said it didn't have to be all stereotype and it could be good for the child to have someone at home. A's mom stayed home and was great, and I believed in what she had done. A's mom (and Dad) are also the only hard-core Christians (that I know) that I really respect, because they are not hypocrites in any way. They don't say one thing on Sunday and do another all week long. If they believe it isn't right, they don't do it. So apparently her s-a-h-m example is stellar and out of the ordinary as well.

Now I have a friend that is staying home and I disagree with the decision. Which means nothing, of course, because it is not my decision to make. (There's only a slight chance that she'll read this. I want to make the disclaimer in case she does, but also because it is true: I have no right to judge, and I don't. Not really. I've just been confused about it for a while and I'm letting off some steam.) Anyway.

In the past, I have defended the s-a-h-m position. But I have seen the error of my ways. First of all, what good does it do the child to be around mom all day and not get used to being around other kids? Yes, there are play groups. But every day for 8 plus hours? No. And mom is usually at the play group, so it's not a separation, which the child needs. N and I both spent our early years in daycare and preschool and we both loved it.

The question of money is an issue too. It's non of my business in this particular case, and I haven't asked details. But I don't think they do much better than scrape by. And that seems unfair to the whole family if you ask me. In general, it's a concern I have because I see a lot of my friends having economic issues and it worries me.

And here's another thing. People end up either resenting that they are not with other adults all day, or talking about it. My friend L, whom I love, has said or implied numerous times that she no longer has anything in common with people or anything to talk about. Talking about the possibility of getting in touch with a guy she was friendly with in high school, she said to me, "I didn't call because he is a single guy with a career and I am a stay at home mom. What would we talk about?" Seriously? If I said that another friend was single and traveled for a living while I am a married nurse so we had nothing in common, people would think that was weird. If it supposed to be a career choice, then how does that make sense? And I fully support the idea that choosing to stay home should be just as valid a choice as a career in this post-women's-movement-world. Theoretically. But if you make this choice and it ends up making you feel isolated and out of touch, so much so that you comment on it, how can that be the right choice?

Like I said, just letting off steam. Maybe for some people it is the right choice, but I don't think I can support it.

Christmas Blues

For reasons I don't understand, Facebook will not load on my computer at work today. I have had to end task all three times I've tried. I haven't had any other internet-related issues today, but this one is making me mad. All I want to do is check in, but no, it won't let me. The fact that I have tried three times, coupled with the fact that I am now writing a blog about it, may make it seem like I have nothing better to do at work than hang out on the internet. (Not to mention making it seem like I'm obsessed with Facebook.) Neither of these things is true. I just have these little pockets of time during the day and I like to do a quick e-mail check, blada blada, and the internet being weird makes me annoyed. Blah.

I am totally not into the Christmas spirit this year. After three and a half weeks of Christmas music, I am already sick of it right when I should be getting into the mood for it. And buying presents will not be exciting. Everyone is on a budget, people are losing jobs, now is not the time for gratuitous spending. Plus, I'm not going to the Cape, where all the kids are, so I don't think I am buying for them this year. I am going to see my mom in Arizona, so I'll bring her some presents. She deserves it, after spoiling my butt all those years. So yeah. N, his parents, our parents. No friends are exchanging gifts, even, since everyone is so poor. But I will buy for my god-daughter, and N's god-daughter. That will be fun. And I'm making Christmas cookies, which I hope to give out to my neighbors. So there's a little bit of spirit, but overall it feels like a dull Christmas this year.

Aniversary gift

Well I went to the Holidazzle Parade in my silly shoes and I was not cold. Yay! It was slippery, because of those silly downtown sidewalks, but other people were slipping too and it was actually kind of funny. The tent was cool, we sat on bleachers and drank hot cocoa while watching the parade. Then we had dinner, after which I got the meat sweats because 28 ox is a lot of meat for two people to eat. But it's delicious. And we got free chocolate cake because we mentioned it was our anniversary. Yum!

Every year N and I get each other presents based on the traditional gift. For the 5th, it's wood. He got me a digital picture frame ( the actual frame is wood), which I already wanted! It's so cool. I can't wait to load it up with all our pictures.

Okay, I have nothing exciting to say today.

5 Years!

Today is our 5th anniversary. Yay! N and I will be celebrating by gorging ourselves on the amazing piece of meat shown here. It's a cute little intro. But yeah, 28 oz of strip carved tableside. Yum. Not to mention the salads and sides and garlic bread. We had it for our first anniversary and have been waiting 4 years to repeat it.

Before dinner we are going to see the Holidazzle Parade. It is now sponsored by Target, rather than Dayton's/Marshall Field's/ Macy's as it used to be. And we are watching from a heated Target tent, with hot cocoa and cider. Fun!

And it's a good thing too, (the heated tent thing) because other wise my coworkers would be freaking out. In honor of my anniversary, and the fact that I'm doing my first Christmas-related thing, I am wearing silver sequined flats that I bought on sale (at Target no less) and every one seems to think they will make me freeze. With a coat and hat and gloves, and socks, of course, I'm not sure how they would make a difference. Seriously, if you live in a cold place, you should be used to it by now. If it weren't for the wet snow ting, I would war sandals all year long.

Movie Review

Well, just to finish out a trio of blogs about it...I saw Twilight. I give it a B, which I think is pretty generous. My question for all people who makes books into movies: If the story is good enough that you think it would be a good movie, why waste time deleting things from the story just to add things in that didn't happen? Usually, when I complain about a movie that's been made from a book I like (which, let's be honest, is every time) someone will point out that it couldn't be exactly like the book because that would take too much time. But they waste time adding new, and stupid, scenes. That time would be better served actually representing the real story. Maybe that's just me.

I did think it was cute that Stephenie Meyer made an appearrance, a la Hitchcock. But she should have spent less time planning her appearnace, and more time defending her book.

The girl made a better Bella than I thought she would, but Edward was a little too awkward for me. I'll probably still but the DVD, but I'll bitch every time I watch it. :)

Friday stuff

So I did go to Borders and buy more books...yay! And while I was there I picked up a copy of Twilight and started re-reading it because my copy was loaned out and the movie comes out today and I was getting antsy. So I read a few chapters before I could stop myself. Then I got a text yesterday from the person borrowing it, saying she was done. Of course I went right to her house to retrieve after work. So she probably think I'm crazy. But how can I nitpick the movie if I don't have all the book's details fresh in my mind. I'm not going tonight because we already had plans to go to the Timberwolves game, and I still have a few chapters left. But I'm going to see it tomorrow. It will disappoint me, I can already tell from the trailer. But hopefully it will still be a little bit good.

I am so excited that it's Friday. I don't know why, but this week has been exceptionally busy and I am so excited about relaxing. And next week is only three days! Woo-hoo! And tomorrow is my husband's god-daughter's first birthday, so that's fun.

Bibliomania

I have a serious book problem. Right now, people who know me are thinking - duh! But really, it's getting out of control. This summer I went to a tent sale the Half Price Books was having and, because I had a 25 dollar gift certificate, bought 27 books. Then a few weeks ago there was a buy-two-get-the-third-free sale on graphic novels and sci-fi and fantasy at Borders. I had a big gift certificate that I had been saving and went to the sale only to discover I had forgotten it at home. I bought books anyway. Then yesterday I say they are having another sale at Borders, all fiction is buy one get one half off, and I am totally going this afternoon, this time with my gift certificate. This may not seem really crazy to some book loving people, but I also go on weekly library trips. So even though I read a ridiculously large amount, I hardly ever catch up to what I've already bought. But I can't stop! Must! Have! More! Books!

The other problem is that I really don't like reading more than one book at a time. I know some people like to do that. And I've tried reading one fiction and one nofiction, but I always end up finishing one before I can really concentrate on the other one. So it's one at a time, and even thought I read faster than most people, it's still too slow for my buying habits. (I'm not bragging about it, but people are constantly having an amazed reaction to how fast I read. I think it's more about a sick dedication than speed. I'd rather read than almost anything.)

I seriously want to leave work early to go to this book sale. I have priority issues.

We're so cute!

I have a follower! Yay! Mr. Nicholas has a blog again, but he'll probably be even worse then me at updating it. By the way, I forgot to tell him that I'm glad he's not on fire. Sadly, I wasn't even aware that was a possibility until he mentioned it. I'm a little slow on the news uptake, what can I say?

So the cutest thing happened yesterday. N and I were in church (yeah, I know...just skip over that part and continue with the story) and as we were getting our coats on at the end of the service this older woman who had been sitting behind us caught our attention and said, "I think you two like each other. (This probably had to do with the fact that we are never not touching.) We laughed and agreed that we did like each other, and then she asked if we were dating. She seemed shocked when I told her we were married, and even more so when N said it would be five years next month. She said, "You'd never know it." Hee hee. That made us giddy all day.

Twilight

I am completely addicted to the Twilight series. Yes, I am an adult. And I'm an avid reader who usually has more discerning taste. ( I say usually because I'm also in love with Harry Potter.) But I can't help it, the books are so fun!

I started with Twilight because I read the back of the book in the store and it really made me laugh. This is what it says:

About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him–and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be–that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Seriously? So N bought it for me for Christmas, and then I was hooked. I've always loved vampires, and Edward has some traits in common with one of the loves of my life. Now I love the whole series, but he first one is my favorite. And now there's going to be a movie!! Yeah!!

Except, movies made from books usually suck. So I'm waiting with bated breath to see if this one can actually live up to the book. And I already don't like the cast. Cedric Diggory, or whatever his real name is, isn't Edward, but he's grown on me a little with the trailers I've seen. The girl who is playing Bella has not. I can't wait to see it and then spend days complaining about it!!

I also saw online there's a bunch of themed t-shirts and stuff, and I'm seriously thinking of buying one. I'm such a geek.

I love Queen!

A few weeks ago N and I went to see the Minnesota Orchestra play the music of Queen. They also featured a six member Finnish a capella group doing the vocals. Apparently they are huge in Finland, which I believe after hearing them. I believe the connection is that the current conductor of the orchestra, Osmo Vanska (there are some umlauds involved there but I don't know how to get them) is Finnish.

It was an amazing show. I love going to the orchestra, I love a capella music, and I love Queen. The trifecta. And it delivered, big. So much of Queen's music was written to be played this way, and the a capella group (Rajaton- Finnish for boundless) sang beautifully with the orchestra. They did get to do two songs a capella - Under Pressure and Don't Stop Me Now. Unbelievable.

I was just mesmerized the whole time, and when they did You Take My Breath Away the tears were just rolling down my face. I loved being there with N, and it was so wonderful that he was excited to go. It just really made me miss A, he would have loved it. Now that I've really been working on the memoir I've been thinking of him a lot. But in that king of moment, he'll always be with me.

let down again

This is the last time that I am going to write about this. At least until it's no longer an issue. And I actually just wrote this whole thing and lost it when it wouldn't post. More aggravation.

I am not pregnant. Again. There was a test yesterday and it was negative. When I got the call I left work and went home so N and I could have a big pity party. And now I feel better. Not great, mind you, but better. I know that it will work out eventually, one way or another. Keep on trucking, and all that.

I am, by nature, a happy person. Even when sad, horrible things happen, I feel it and then recover pretty quickly. I mean, my brain has a natural drive to be in a good mood. Of course, that doesn't mean I can stop myself from experiencing the sadness over and over again. But my general happiness will come back soon after a blow. In some ways, I guess that's good. But sometimes I wish I could accomplish longer periods of initial sadness and just get it out of my system.

Part of the horribleness this time around is that I told too many people, against even my own better judgment. So yesterday and today there have been sad faces and well wishers to contend witn, including my sobbing mother. It's so nice that people care, but I would rather be miserable in secret. Which is why this is the last related post. From now on, the official party line is, "No comment." I can neither confirm nor deny the stage of the invitro project, only that it is still in progress.

Voting

I voted! The advantage of living in a small town that makes people draw their jaw and repeat the name everytime you tell them where you live because they think a 45 minute commute is unthinkable, is that you don't have to wait long to vote.* Or at all, which is sweet. Even sweeter that the polling place is approximately 2 minutes from your house and on the way to the free way. Yay! So I voted, and I got a sticker, and I still got to work on time. Rock on.

Now I have to endure the rest of the day, and maybe until tomorrow, before the outcome is announced. And I thought the commercials would stop today, but the radio was tripled up on them on my way to work. Talk about last minute desperation.

Anyway, go out and vote. My opinions are well-known, but regardless of who you vot for, get out and do it. Happy voting!!

*And the advantage to writing in a blog rather than writing actual literature is that you can use amazingly long run-on sentences that no one will try to edit. :)

hatemail

Today I got my first hateful comment. Yay! Now I feel like a real blogger.

At first I was glad that I had the opportunity to not publish the load of bull that the idiot wrote, but now I almost wish I had saved it so people could see how sick some people are. I won't say what his website is because he doesn't deserve free advertising. Let's just say he didn't like my opinion on abortions. On his website there are pictures supposedly of aborted babies. Clearly, these would be partial-birth abortions, which is not your standard, first-term abortion. Also, I am pro-choice. That is not the opposite of pro-life, it's a middle ground. But when you're a fanatic, you don't notice subtleties, so I don't know why I bothered to mention it.

I am very happy that the election is tomorrow because I am sick of being forced to believe that otherwise intelligent people may want Sarah Palin in office. But no matter tomorrow's outcome, my politics won't change. Hate me for it, but that's who I am.

the power of bumper stickers

I have finally figured out the reason that I don't have any bumper stickers. I just don't have the energy for it. I think of getting them all the time when I see good ones, but I don't think I could handle the responsibility.

When I see a bumper sticker on a car, I take it pretty seriously. I form an opinion of the person driving the car based on the bumper sticker. Think about it: the person had to feel strongly enough about whatever the message is to go buy that bumper sticker and physically put it on their car. So it must reflect on them. I see a McCain-Palin sticker or, even worse, one that says "I (heart)^ Sarah" **shudders** - I form an opinion. And it's not a good one. I want to look at the car and the person in it. Are they well-off? Do they look evil? Do they care that they are driving a gas guzzling H3 down a freeway in a city, wasting resources just because they can?? Ahem.^^

On the other hand, if I see a cool one -
Aslan is on the move
If you're against abortion don't have one
Obama for change
Coexist (which is made up of various religious symbols I can't get on here)
Ankh if you love Isis
-then I feel connected to that person. I try to catch their eye to show my appreciation for their groovy ways. But then I'm sure they think my smile is creepy, because they are probably not thinking every second they are driving about the bumper sticker they bought. And I would be. I would be waiting for reactions from other drivers. Which is why I cannot handle the responsibility of a bumper sticker.

I maybe shouldn't have the responsibility of driving and reading them either. Because if I see one more sticker that says something like "Marriage = (man stick figure) + (woman stick figure)"
I just might ram the car. #

^ It's supposed to be a heart symbol but, again, I'm having a symbol issue.

^^ I know some people might react negatively to my political views. But I don't care. If you are seriously voting for that women, you are beyond saving anyway.

#It's interesting to note that in wingdings I can get a man figure, but not a woman. So I could depict gay marriage. But seriously, how does the possibility of two men (or women) living happily together in marriage sully the whole institution, if Britney doesn't? What business of your is it anyway? And if you are married, and you think someone else's marriage may effect yours, maybe yours isn't so great.

Sharing

I had a really great moment with a coworker today. I was sharing an anecdote related to Native American wisdom (long story, but maybe I'll tell you later) and in context I had to mention my first husband, which led to questions, of course. Before I know it, I'm spilling my guts about A to this coworker. Of course, I've had him on my mind a lot lately, even more than usual, because of the memoir I'm working on. But it's been a while since I spilled like that to anyone but N.

I've always liked this coworker, and I think we get along well. But this level of sharing was unexpected. She cried. Not sobbing or anything, but there were tears. It felt really good. It made me realize that the sharing really is cathartic, and I want to do it more. I'm really hoping to continue writing this memoir until it's finished, and not just until the end of the class, which is more my usual style.

Speaking of sharing, I finally announced to the world (or my very small piece of it) that this blog was here. I only got one comment here (thanks to comebacknikki!) but I got a few email comments too. A friend from many moons ago left me a note and shared that she was in a new and good relationship, and that is awesome. I'm super happy for her, and for the fact that we found each other again. We were elementary school friends and it went into high school, but we sort of lost touch. I'm sure I turned into a crappy friend. Anyway, we had been close. And I had been close to her mom as well, who passed away when we were young and I still miss. So I think the interneet, for all its many evils, provides a lot of smiles with sharing and reconnecting.

That's my cheesy soapbox for the day. Go forth, and share with old friends and new...

self-improvement

I think I'm growing as a person. :) Yesterday was the baptism of my goddaughter, L, and it was such a good day. Well, aside from the fact that I have a few issues with L's daddy's family, but we'll put that aside for now. They're not MY in-laws, after all. And thank gods for that.

But it was good for me in that I had no jealous, envious feelings about the parents having a baby while I didn't. Which I usually do. It's hard not to feel that way, and I thought the baptism would put me over the edge. But L was such a beautiful baby, and so good, I couldn't help but be in a good mood. And I got some three month pictures of her, so I have plenty for my brag book now.

I guess part of it is that I know we have an impending date to maybe have our own good news. Right now it's buoying me up, but if the news turns bad... I don't even want to think about that. I know it will work out, one way or another.

Memoir Writing

Lat night I started a memoir writing class. It's through the Guthrie, and excellent theater in Minneapolis, two hours per class, one night a week for 4 weeks. I have been so excited since I signed up for it three weeks ago. The sad thing is, only 2 other people showed up. I guess it's the economy...the class is $100...because I've seen great turnouts at other Guthrie classes. At first, I thought it was only myself and another guy. He's a man in his sixties, pretty athletic, and a little full of himself. There are things that I like about him, but the instructor and I were both at our wits' end after him saying he would not be interested in sharing his work or critiquing others' work...I mean, it's a workshop class! What else is there? Then a girl showed up, my age or a little younger, and she's really cool and I'll stay in the class for her. I think the instructor was very worried, then felt better when she showed up. And now she's offered to share her work too, so it will be like a class of four, which still isn't ideal for a workshop but is tons better than two.

I really like the instructor. I think she seems like a great person, but possibly not the most qualified to teach memoir writing per se. She has a self-published book of poems, and the one she read last night I really liked. So I think it will be fun, but also bizarre.

The point of this, of course, is to turn my random scramblings about A into some coherent whole, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. It's just that all the memories and emotions get overwhelming sometimes, and I think writing about it all will be very cathartic. And over the years I have tried and done a piece here and there, but now I think it's time to really dig in and deal with this.

Don't talk politics with me...

I have this friend that always dishes it out, yet can never take it. He's a work friend, but he's more than that too. We connect really well, and I love him to death. But this habit of his makes me mean somedays.

The problem stems from the fact that we have differing political opinions. At least in theory. I mean, in name he calls himself a Republican. This is a problem for me, as I am seriously liberal. Though you'll notice that I don't say Democrat. He chooses "Republican" as a label, over "conservative." This is something that came up early in our friendship. We've known each other about a year now. Lately, when I mention to someone that he is "Republican" he says something like, "I don't label myself." But he had no problem doing so when we first met. Now, with the election, and the general hatred of W., (not to mention the fact that he has admitted to me he would not vote for W. in hindsight) he suddenly doesn't like labels. Ahem.

(As an aside, the reason I ever tell people about his political leanings at all is when they wonder why two people who are essentially attached at the hip are suddenly arguing. We are famous for being a twosome at work, and I think our political differences will soon be famous as well.)

So on certain days T (that's his name for now) will decide that he wants to antagonize A (that's me). He will make a jab that has nothing to do with the current conversation. For example, when teasing him about asking me to show him how to do something on the computer for the third time, he will respond with, "Those Democrats, always holding a grudge." My natural response is, "We wouldn't have anything to hoild a grudge about if not for the Republicans' antics." His response to that is to roll his eyes, take a deep breath, and act overly offended that I am "always attacking him." Yeah.

So, ignoring the fact that he always refers to me as a Democrat, which I have told him is really not the case, it also annoys me that he starts a fight he can't finish. I'll be the first to admit that I don't like my beliefs maligned. I believe things for a reason, as I've already blogged about. So of course I will defend myself. And I will do it every time I am poked. I finally had that talk with him today, so we'll how how it goes...

love, blessings

Charles Baxter wrote, "When you’re in love you don’t have to do a damn thing. You can just be. You can just stay quiet in the world. You don’t have to move an inch."

I think that’s really true. I’m blessed to be in love, and I think we do a lot of staying quiet together, just being, not moving an inch. And I think it’s great, because all the hustle and bustle of being single, even watching another person do it, is so tiring. And really, isn’t all of that hustle and bustle just an attempt to find a person with whom you can get to the place where you can just stay quiet together? So finally getting there, being there, is blissful.

Except I don’t think that’s true for a lot of people. I am always listening to women at work bitching about their S.O. And then they act as if it’s a rite. Of course they have complaints, because that’s how things are supposed to be. And the fact that I have nothing to complain about with N just means we haven’t been together long enough. If I wait for it, there will come a time when I have nothing good to say about him, when I’ll be glad he’s away for a night, a weekend, even better a whole week! Well I think that’s sad. Why do we have to drift into these stereotypical responses?

N and I have been married almost five years, together for 6.5. That’s not a phenomenally long time, but it’s a bit of time. And in that bit of time I have never regretted being with him, never wished he would go away, never had the urge to vent to "the girls" about him. I wanted to be with him in the first place because I love who he is, and I still do. That’s not to say that he’s perfect, or that I am or we are. But there is never a day when I am not grateful for him in my life.

This may sound like boasting, and I guess it is. I don’t mean to come across that way. For people who are in genuinely unhappy relationships, I am very sorry. But in general, I think women who are in good relationships still find things to vent about, because it’s fashionable. But N and I don’t talk that way to each other, how fair would it be to him for me to turn around and talk about him in public? I say keep your laundry, whether it be clean or dirty, in your own house. If people could practice being grateful a little more, I think they’d find it catching.

I think it's nice to sit still with N. And we have been so stressed and unstill lately due to the whole fertility fracas. I try so hard not to get in the dumps about it, or whine, but it's hard. I try to remind myself that if I start asking "Why me?" about the bad things, I'll have to ask about the good things too. And although I've had some definite downs, I think my life has been mostly ups. I don't want to forget that. I want to take the time to appreciate all the ups as they come.

Sports Fan

You know you're a baseball fan when you leave the stadium after your home team's disappointing loss and immediately turn the radio to another game to make sure the rivals are also losing. Even better when you get home and, since you have to turn off the radio, run in and find the game on television. If the White Sox lose tonight,the Twins won't have completely screwed themselves by losing this afternoon.

It's interesting to me that I am so into this now, since I used to hate sports. Well, I thought I did. But I never liked gaming until A taught me how to do it right either. And N loves sports, so when we got together he made it fun for me too. The first time I went to the Metrodome I fell in love. It was so cool to see it all in person, hear all the fans, smell the hot dogs. :) Of course, back then I didn't eat them, but I've recently trained my stomach, because it's so much more fun with a Dome dog! The first season I really only cared if we were there. But then I started to get to know the players, and I would watch a little bit if I came across the game on television. Then I started tuning in on the radio on the way home from work. By now, I'm hooked. I'm not obsessed...I don't memorize stats or watch every game. But I have played fantasy baseball, and I do find myself watching other games that have an effect on the Twins' season. :)

I also enjoy watching basketball with N. He says baseball is his number one sport too,but I think he loves basketball more, but enjoys me loving baseball. Anyway, basketball I mostly like when we go to the game. If we watch at home I'm mostly reading and just looking up to check the score or to see a good replay. Football I mostly just put up with. I don't mind if it's on,and I think I mostly get the rules now, but it's not exciting. Unless Peyton Manning is playing, because he's hilarious. :)

So yeah, I guess I'm a sports fan. Who knew?

blogging (mostly)

I really don't want to blog about all the problems I have with blogging, as I've done before. But I am upset that I started this blog three weeks ago and have so few posts to show for it. I wanted to really get started this time. But there are a few issues. One: I never have clever topics or good stories, at least not in comparison to some of the blogs I follow. Two: I have a hard time working up the energy a lot of days...it's just easier to keep reading my book. Three: I've put a lot of writing-related pressure on myself. I like to keep a paper journal, I also have a different notebook for "working things out," I have this blog, and I've been working on some memoirs lately. Well, mostly in my head, but now and then there is some actual work done on them. So there you go, that's my whiny blog about how bad I am at blogging.

In other news, I have set a date. The frozen embryos transfer date has been set. I won't post it, because I don't want anyone to know the actual date. But it is good to have a day to look forward to, rather than the nebulous "future." In the meantime I have drugs to take, appointments to make, blada blada. But now it seems almost fun, in preparation for the big day. Of course, after the big day will be the even bigger and absolutely torturous two weeks of waiting. I'm trying not to think of that right now.

Back to the blog issue for a moment. I haven't told anyone about my new blog yet. Which means I am writing into the void right now. No readers, just me talking to myself. It's probably pathetic. I'm just not sure the best way to go about letting people know, so I keep putting it off.

introvert

I am an extremely introverted person. 90% of the time I am in my own head, analysing every little thought. This is the reason I am so opinionated, and I guess I often come across as abrasive in discussions. I know that I have thought every opinion I have to death, and then thought some more. My faith in the greater part of the population is low, so I don't believe every one has done the same thing, making it hard for anyone to sway me. I don't mean to say that I won't change an opinion, but it doesn't happen easily. If I don't have an opinion yet, you'll find me very quiet on the subject. But there aren't many things I don't have an opinion on.

The strange thing is that I don't think I seem like an introvert. I am pretty well known at work, I spend time talking to people, I seem to share things about my life. My friends always know I will have something to say. But in reality, what I show on the surface is only a little bit of the real me. There are plenty of times that I find myself agonizing over who to call when something comes up, because I realize there is no one with whom I have shared the steps leading up the the newest event, and I would have to share too much to explain it all.

Part of this is also connected to my inability to keep in touch with people. My friends often tease me that I don't call, don't answer my phone. The thing is, sometimes it will take too long to catch up to where we are now, and it seems too hard, so I don't talk at all.

Yesterday I was checking my facebook and I had a cryptic message from my niece. She and I are only three years apart, and when we were kids we were practically inseparable. As we grew up, we grew apart. It's partially because we had very different paths, and partially due to laziness, I guess. I called her to find out what was going on and we talked a long time. I miss her. I was glad that she reached out a little and sent me that message, and I found myself wondering why she doesn't do this more. And then I realized that I don't do it for her either. And unlike my other nieces and nephews, I can't expect that she would come to her aunt for "advice." We are more like sisters, or we used to be, and we should go to each other as sisters would, as friends would.

But I have a problem going to my friends. Ask any of them. I'm sure they could name some of the issues in my life, but I bet they couldn't tell you a lot about the feelings I've shared with them about it. Because, for the most part, I haven't. There are of course, exceptions. There are times I have broken down in a crisis, but it's not an every day kind of sharing. The only person I tell everything to is N. I used to tell everything to A. Everybody else is . . . held at a distance, I guess. I'm not even sure why.

TGI almost F

I'm so excited that tomorrow is Friday. This has actually been a pretty good week, especially compared to the last few. Because of our vacation, N and I only worked two days last week, an d the week before that only three days because of IVF stuff. So a five day week seemed really long.

I did have the worst few weeks at work before this one. I work in a nursing home, and I got transferred from the transitional care unit, where I did admissions, to one of the long term care units to be a nurse manager. The issue was that I was not exactly consulted on the transfer decision. It's a long, drawn-out, painful story. Suffice it to say that I suddenly found myself in a new job for which I had no real training, feeling like I had been strung up by my toes over a pit of vipers. Cheerful. Then some other position changes happened, so now I have a new boss. I think he'll be good to learn from, but also not a micro-manager. This week I got a lot of questions answered, and I didn't feel miserable going in to work every day like I had for the last few weeks. Which is horrible, really, because I've worked there for 6.5 years, and that was the first time I felt like that.

The vacation helped. It was hard to relax, it took us both a few days. We were exhausted, which made the SD vacation perfect - I recommend it to all tired people. We drove out there, drove all around the scenic routes at Custer State Park, drove from memorial to memorial...all in all, very relaxing. Also beautiful. I took tons of pictures of the Black Hills, the Needles, all the memorials, the badlands, and all the animals we saw all over the park. Amazing. If I were on the right computer I would post some pictures. Next time.

About the Name

I was planning on doing a real post tonight, but then I stayed on the phone with my sister for far too long and it's now way past my bedtime, so I'll just do a short one.

I like the name truth monkey because it combines two of my favorite things. I am addicted to monkeys...I likie the word, stuffed animals, monkey-print socks, you name it. And I have a degree in philosophy, so ostensibly I like truth. If you can find it. But that's a discussion for another day.

I'm a nurse, by the way, so some might argue that my degree in philosophy is not in use, but I like to believe it informs my daily life in a way that a job cannot. Or that could be a massive rationalization. But as Michael says (in The Big Chill), "Don't knock rationalizations...they're more important than sex...Ever gone two weeks without a rationalization?"

Anyway, for my senior seminar in philosophy we had to present our papers and the presentation was open to the whole campus. My classmates and I decided that the flyers would read, "Truth and Cookies." After date and time there was small print at the bottom, "*Cookies just might be served." I know, it's not terribly clever, but with the three of us and our professor, it fit. Anyway, when I was naming the blog I thought of that, and then I decided that a truth monkey might rather have truth and bananas. So there you go.

In Vitro Blues

Here's what I don't really talk about: my fertility issues. Okay, that's not true. I do talk about it, a lot, mostly to people at work. But I'm usually just answering questions, filling people in on the steps of the IVF process. This usually makes people extremely excited, so what I usually have are upbeat conversations. So when I say I don't really talk about it, what I mean to say is that I don't talk about how I feel about it. This is for a few reasons.

N and I have had 9 couple friends have babies since we started trying. 2 of those couples now have 2 kids. This is not to mention my niece, several coworkers, and about every third woman I see on the street. While this is possibly the worst thing that could happen to me, it is, of course, one of the best for each of them. It is hard to express anguish in the face of such joy (not to mention inappropriate) and equally hard to honestly express joy.

Most of the above mentioned people have no clue. Not because they are generally clueless people (they are my friends, after all) but because it is difficult, if not impossible, to really grasp what someone else is going through. I've learned this through earlier experiences. As long as they are not grasping it, you can't really share. Much like when mourning, you get a response that is the best they can give but comes across as painfully inadequate.

To make matters harder for people to understand, N and I live a mostly perfect life. I don't mean to sound like a brat, but coming from where I've come from, it's true. We have a fabulous relationship with each other, a beautiful house, great jobs, really amazing friends, we travel fairly often, our families are amazing...
I guess it's hard to grasp why we are so sad about what we don't have. Not only to outsiders, but to us too.

Combine all of this, and you get a difficult, wildly frustrating situation. Especially after 11 new babies and 4.5 years. It seems like the cherry on the sundae, but to us a baby is more like the ice cream...like we have all the prep done, but can't build the sundae without that essential base.
That's not entirely true. We are mostly happy on any given day. But there are moments. These are the moments I don't talk about.

Now, all that said, I should clarify that I love all the babies. And I will be baby L's godmother, which is amazing. I really look forward to everything that goes along with that.

And I hope to soon be looking forward to my own bundle of joy. I'll keep you posted.

Salutations and Introductions

This is not my first blog. I was on Diaryland when that was the new craze, and I have sites on MySpace and Facebook. But I've been having some frustrations lately, and I wanted to have somewhere to work them out a little bit. I could go back to Diaryland, but I lost my Gold membership, and I know only one person who actively uses it anymore. And the networking sites don't really lend themselves to actual blogging. I decided I wanted a new home, so I did some research. I have a friend from college who blogs here, and when I looked into it and realized it was connected to Google I thought it would be right for me.

So here I am with a new home. I hope to be a better blogger than I have been in the past.

By way of introduction; I'm 31, a nurse manager in a long term care facility, married to a super tall sweetheart of a man, own a black lab puppy who is out of control, and live in a beautiful house we bought in December 2007. I like movies, the Minnesota Twins, traveling and reading (I actually read more than is probably healthy).

I guess that will do for now. Wish me luck!