59 Questions

[1] What is your middle name?
Mae. For my great aunt.

[2] What color is your mailbox?
Black.

[3] Are you available?
No, happily.

[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
No, but I've had a lot of close calls.

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Yes, I drive over the 35W bridge in Minneapolis that so famously collapsed in the summer of 2007.

[6] Are you taller than your mom?
Yes, she's a shorty.

[7] What curse do you say the most when you're pissed?
Fuck usually covers it.

[8] Are you God?
Yes. And so are you.

[9] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
I've only really had my heart broken once, and I'll never be over it.

[10] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Not usually.

[11] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My right shin. I tripped over a misplaced tool box at work today and now I have a huge dent which is starting to bruise.

[12] Do you often cry during a movie?
Yeah, I cry all the time.

[13] Last text message you received?
Hi, it's Nicholas, here's my new number.

[14] Who sent it?
Nicholas, obviously.

[15] Do you hate your life?
No, I love it.

[16] Do you get mad easily?
Yeah, I think I do. I try to get over it quickly though.

[17] Do you drink?
No. Very rarely, maybe once a year.

[18] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Intolerance. Learn about others' viewpoints, and if you don't like it, don't do it. But don't assume what is right for you is right for all.

[19] Are you cold?
No, I have N's giant blanket on me.

[20] Do any of your friends have kids?
Most of them. This is aggravating.

[21] Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever wants to.

[22] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
I'm happily married, and he's 2 years younger than me.

[23] Do you have any friends?
Thanks to the fact that I joined a coed fraternity in college, I have more than I know what to do with.

[24] Do you have any mean friends?
No, not really.

[25] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
brown.

[26] Have you ever dated someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
No, my friends have usually liked people. I had one boyfriend that my friends I grew up with didn't like, but my college friends were mutual. I married a man people in my family didn't like, but I loved him, so it didn't matter.

[27] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
It's one of those things I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself from doing. Not because I'm suicidal, it just flashes through my mind.

[28] Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Absolutely not. I think suicide is a cowardly escape.

[29] Do you scratch your ears?
If they itch...

[30] Who was the last person to hug you?
N.

[31] What brand are the pants/jeans you're wearing right now?
I have no idea. They are pajama pants with penguins on them.

[32] How tall are you?
5'6"

[33] What is the closest green object?
my t-shirt

[34] What is on your feet?
nothing

[35] If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents have named you?
Steven

[36] If you could go back to any time period when would it be?
Ancient Greece, or Elizabethan England.

[37] Do you want to have kids?
Desperately. Unfortunately, my reproductive organs don't do what they're told.

[38] What is your favorite color?
green and pink

[39] Who is the friend you have that you thought you would never have?
My friend C, probably. N's best friend's wife. It's an unlikely pairing, but she rocks.

[40] Who do you hate the most right now?
I try not to hate anyone.

[41] What's your mother's middle name?
Dian. And no, I didn't forget the e.

[42] What kind of car do you want?
My current car is great, a white Chevy Aveo.

[43] What is your favorite video game?
Rock Band.

[44] Do you like your dad?
He died when I was 16. I think I would have liked him had I ever really gotten to know him, but the alcohol got in the way.

[45] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Friends, Gilmore Girls, Family Guy, Quantum Leap.

[46] Are you wearing make up?
No. I pretty much never do.

[47] Do you have a tattoo?
No. Never.

[48] Have you ever broken a pinata?
I've had them but I can't recall if I ever did the breaking.

[49] What time is it right now?
Time to watch Next Gen!!

[50] Do you know how to draw?
Yes. Do I do it well? No.

[51] Who loves orange soda?
I do, I do!

[52] Who is your hero?
My mom, A, N, my residents.

[53] Who did you last IM?
Jake!

[54] Do you work a lot of hours?
Usually only 40-45.

[55] Where were you 24 hours ago?
In bed, asleep.

[56] Who was the last person that called you?
C.

[57] Is there anything you regret?
Of course. But I don't dwell on it.

[58] Do you know where your family name originated from?
France, for a few, and really long time ago. Germany, also forever ago. That's all I know.

[59] Animal that creeps you out?
Squid.

I won!!

I did it! I wrote in a 50,000 word novel in thirty days! Okay, so it's a 51, 277 word novel, I finished it on day 29, and I mostly hate it. But it is a complete work of fiction, I wrote every day for 29 days straight, and I feel good! Woo hoo! I printed out the certificate they give you, and although I have no idea why it has squirrels on it, it makes me feel like a winner!

Now, December is for revisions...

New Moon

I saw New Moon last night. Of course I had reread the book so I could bitch about the inconsistencies. But then I was pleasantly surprised. It was not perfect, but there were less glaring errors than I expected, and definitely less than I expected. It was actually pretty good. Of course, I still have issues with the casting...I think Jasper is the best. And I want to love Robert Pattinson as Edward, because I love Edward, and would love to have the right visual, but I just don't. He's not Edward.

I was not pleased by the audience...I know it's a teen girl flick, but I went on a Tuesday to avoid that, and it didn't work. I think I am getting older, because I have very little patience for teenagers these days.

So, grade for New Moon...B+.

ennui

I, like Kurt*, am filled with ennui.

I was really struck today, starting as soon as the alarm went off, with a sense of the mundanity of life. Actually, it probably started last night, when I realized the next day was Monday. Sunday nights suck.

My thoughts aren't new or unique, and I cycle all the time. I just think, sometimes, that we're doing it wrong. You get up, you go to work, you eat dinner, you go to bed. You shop, cook, do dishes, do laundry, clean the bathroom. You do it all again next week. Now and then, if you're lucky, you get a vacation. You try to fit all the fun in you can on evenings, weekends, random vacation. Then it's back to the grind again.

And it's not even the mundanity of my own particular life. I actually think I have one of the more exciting lives in my little circle. But it still has days like today, when I feel like a rat in the race who doesn't particularly see the point of getting out of bed.

Then I got home. I brought in the mail and the groceries I bought on the way. I fed the dog. I showered. I started dinner. I was about drowning in my lassitude. Then N got home. He thanked me for doing all the mundane things. He kissed me and called me beautiful. And I remembered how blessed I really am, rat race or not.


If you don't know to what I am referring, that means you are not watching Glee. And you should be. It's sublime.

D

I have this friend, D. I wrote about him recently, and I also gave him this blog address recently.

Let me tell you a little about D and me. We met in seventh grade. I and another friend used to bug the crap out if him in math class, just to be weird. Apparently he was into it, because we became friends. All through high school we were pretty tight. We sat on the phone together while watching MTV, did Spanish class dialogues together, went to the movies together the night of the junior prom, and actually went to senior prom together. Over the years, I had some confusing feelings for him. Mostly I pushed them down. But in college it really hit me, and I told him about it. He said he felt it too! Then nothing happened. As I wrote about before, he finally told me he was gay. The world made sense again.

So, we have a long and bizarre history. That's one point. The other point is that I love him. More than almost anyone, and in a way I love very few people. He's definitely on the short list. This is in spite of the fact that we live halfwat across the country from each other and hardly ever talk or see each other. We always pick up where we left off, which is one of the things I love about him. As a person who always feels guilty about being a bad friend and not keeping in touch with people, I really appreciate someone who doesn't let that get in the way. Other reasons I love him, I can't explain. He just wiggled his way into my heart years ago, and now he's there forever.

A few weeks ago, he shared a story with me about something that happened to him, and the aftermath. It was in an e-mail. It couldn't have been an easy story to tell. And I fear I handled that badly. I replied with a bit of a scolding tone. He hasn't written back. So maybe he's mad, or maybe he's just been busy. But the fact that I think it might be a reaction to what I said means I have some guilt over it. I should have just been supportive. It's just that his story hit too close to some fears I have for him. I'm such a worrier.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that other people play by different rules than I do. Even though he is a friend, I can't judge him by my criteria. And I don't want to judge him. He is one of the smartest people I know, and he doesn't need me to rub his nose in anything. So, D, I'm sorry. I love you. I hope you are okay.

EDIT 11/16: D e-mailed me today. Yay! He wasn't upset, just bad at keeping in touch like me.

sick day

19,053 words. I can't believe I even had that many words in me, let alone still have more to say.

Today was really weird. Last night I woke up several times with stomach pain. Nothing happened other than pain, thank God, but I was so exhausted when the alarm went off that I asked N for my cell and immediately called in to work. It's totally out of character for me to do that. I actually meant to call in late, just to give myself a few more hours of sleep, but when I woke up again at one o'clock I figured it was justifiable just to stay home. I dozed until 4, then N came home soon after and we went out to dinner and to the Timberwolves game. We ate at Murray's, a fantastic steak place with an early bird special. It was especially good, being my only food of the day. The game was sad, since the T-wolves didn't only lose, but lost by a lot.

I felt super guilty about going out after calling in sick, but it was already planned. And I guess I must have really needed the sleep. And I was worried about having time to get my writing done for the day after the game, but it worled out. Of course, now I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. Blah.

boring...

I love George Lopez, but Lopez Tonight is not quite right. He has weird timing, or something. Conan, on the other hand, is cracking me up.

Over 17,000 words. Yay!

I really want to blog every day, but after writing for a few hours and before folding a load of laundry, I have no inspiration. Sorry I suck. I'll try to come up with something good tomorrow.

The Full Monty

I'm over 15,000 words, right on target. I can't believe I'm still keeping up. I know I'm only nine days in, but I'm still excited that I've been getting my words in every day. Woot!

On Saturday night we saw The Full Monty, and it was awesome! The adaptation to a musical was done really well. The actors were all great, the songs were fun, everything was great. Except that during the scene when...SPOILER ALERT - if you haven't seen the movie, you may not want to read about this...

During the scene when two of the guys realize they are attracted to each other, I noticed a certain tension in the audience. I thought it was so strange! First, we're in the Twin Cities - a liberal area. Second, it's the theater, and a musical at that. You'd think the audience would be down with a little homoerotica. But maybe it's just me.

As I'm writing this, I'm watching Will and Grace. Hee hee.

High school survey

I did this survey in June, 2006. I found it when looking for something from MySpace to repost here.

The high school senior year survey

Your senior year in High School is supposed to be "the best year of your life." Let's see how much you remember. I know for some it might be hard for you to go back that far!

1. Who was your best friend? A, L and D,of course

2. What sports did you play? Marching Band....and anyone who says it's not a sport has never done it.

3. What kind of car did you drive? 1985 gold honda accord

4. It's Friday night, where were you? football game or raising hell with the clan

5. Were you a party animal? in my own way, yeah

6. Were you in the "In Crowd"? ummm,not even close

7. Ever skip school? lots of mornings

8. Ever smoke? that's when I started

9. Were you a nerd? more of a geek

10. Did you get suspended/expelled? never

11. Can you sing the Alma Mater? no

12. Who was your favorite teacher? Jenks...a freshman teacher,but always the favorite

13. Favorite class? AP European History...we had some good times

14. What was your schools full name? Dennis-Yarmouth Regional High School

15. School mascot? Dolphins

16. Did you go to Prom? yeah, but I probably should have skipped like I did junior year...I had three different pictures taken with different friends, others in my class thought I was drunk because I acted like myself in front of them for the first time (I was a good Mormon at the time), and then I got in a fight with my best friends over drinking. All in all, I should have skipped it.

17. If you could go back and do it over, would you? I see no reason to

18. What do you remember most about graduation? making up with A (though the fight started again soon after), candy leis from Elvis' family, and thinking about it being the first time in four years that I wasn't playing Pomp and Circumstance.

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year? there are a lot of great memories with the clan that would be better not to be published anywhere.

20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall? no idea what this is

21. Did you have a job your senior year? babysitting and the shoe store

22. Who did you date? J and I broke up in February, there was no one serious after that until college. But R and R happened senior year.

23. Where did you go most often for lunch? cafeteria. we couldn't leave

24. Have you gained weight since then? yeah

25. What did you do after graduation? I went to Ripon College, met A....then I moved Minnesota and went to school again (which I just finished), married N

Widgets

Okay, so I really wanted to put a Nanowrimo widget on my site, and I finally figured out how to do it! Yay! Although, it's not the one I wanted, but the one I wanted did not have my accurate wordcount for some reason. Boo.

I had breakfast with a friend this morning. She used to work with me, but she quit. Boo again. Anyway, it was super fun to see her again. And I brought home a Pina Colada muffin for N, which he loved.

Tonight we're going to the Ordway to see The Full Monty. I can't wait!

Ex files

Today is Friday, and N has to work late, which is such a bummer. Of course, I'm still at work and it's almost six, but he probably won't be home until after ten. Boo!



I don't have any words in yet today, since I'm still at work. And I want to try and coordinate dinner with N, so I hope I actually do get them in today...



Comebacknikki told a funny ex story, and it made me wonder if I had any good ones. The thing is, I don't have a lot of exes. There are two people I was in actual relationships with that I didn't end up married to.



One was my high school boyfriend, J, who I still talk to every now and then. We have mutual friends, plus he's a pretty cool guy in general. N has hung out with several times, and it seems that the idea of hanging out with the guy who took my virginity makes him not even a little bit uncomfortable.



Then there's M, who I have written about before. I just realized it wasn't here, but on MySpace, so I'll go get it...Okay, here it is.


Story time:
I have this ex-boyfriend, let's call him M. (Because that's his name.) And I have been trying, in an on-again, off-again sort of way, to get back in touch with him for a number of years. See, we dated before I got back together with A and ultimately married him. He and A didn't get along. It wasn't really to do with me, but it became my issue because A was my husband...anyway, we lost touch. Then, after A died, I did talk to him a few times, but then he suddenly stopped talking to me again. In the interest of baring all here, I think he thought that I was getting back in touch so I could sleep with him. He acted like he was offended because I hadn't talked to him in so long, but I don't think he actually cares about talking to me. Because I actually did not want to sleep with him...I wanted to get back in touch with a friend. Before we dated, we were friends, and I still miss him sometimes. The M that I was friends with, that is. M the boyfriend was ..... difficult.
Okay, so here's another part. There was one time while I was in nursing school and I on-again tried to e-mail him because we were studying the illness he had in college. He didn't get back to me. I thought, Okay, maybe that's offensive or something. But then a little over a year ago I tried again, for a more amusing reason.
Backstory: D is a friend I have had most of my life. He is totally one of the best people in the world, and I love him. At certain times in my life, I have thought I was in love with him. No, I was in love with him for sure. And at one point, he said he might be in love with me too. At the time, I was dating M. Nothing happened, but there it is. When M I broke up, we talked about all this, and he sort of gave D and I his blessing, so to speak. (they had met, they got along.) But then D and I didn't end up getting together. At the time I wasn't sure why, but nothing happened the rest of that summer, and then D went to spend the semester in Spain and I went back to A. I heard, from a mutual friend, that M was upset when he heard I did not get together with D. That may not be true, but that's what the friend said.
Christmas 2006, N and I are out East, hanging out with my friends, one of whom is D, of course. All of a sudden, D decided to come out to us. I was overjoyed! He's gay! Years of wondering what exactly the deal was...and here was the answer. Cool. I thought a million things and asked a million questions. Down the road, I one day thought of M and thought that he would find it hilarious! But. No current contact info, and no one seems to know how to track him down.
So here I am, blogging about it. I don't know why it came up tonight, except that I have not been blogging lately and I needed a good story. I doubt M cares enough to know I have a blog, but I guess there's chance he could see this. Maybe I'm even hoping he will. Anyway, it's funny.

So there you go, my random ex story for the night. What's funny is that I recently gave D the address of my blog, so maybe he'll see this story. Everything's connected...

Pickles

Over 8,000 words. I'm getting pumped.

We're watching Dick and Jane. I love Jim Carrey, but for some reason this movie never appealed to me. I'm surprised, though, because it's actually pretty funny so far. I still don't like Tea Leoni. There's something weird about her.

Off to eat some pickles.

I love seniors!

7,199 words. Woot!


Another story about sports and music:

Last week, N and I went to the Timberwolves' season opener. It was fun to see the new players, and they looked better than last years' team already. They won at the buzzer too, which always makes for a good time. But the best part happened during one of the time outs.

They always have these little performances planned for the longer time outs. And one group that night was called The Timberwolves Senior Dancers. They were women in their fifties and sixties, wearing black pants and white Timberwolves sweatshirts. They danced in formation with multicolored feather boas to Danke Schoen for a few minutes. This was adorable of course. But then it got even better. The dropped the boas, took new poses and suddenly they were doing the dance to Beyonce's Single Ladies. And they were good! I was laughing out loud and cheering.

While I in no way agree with Kanye that Beyonce had the best video, EVAR, I do like to watch people imitate it. But really, if such an array of people can do such a good job doing your steps (including Justin Timberlake in drag) then how good could the original really be?

MN fun

Before I went to bed last night I got up to over 3400 words, so I'm on target after day 2. They say to write more in the first week, to make it easier later in the month, but I only had 897 the first day, so it was a lot to catch up last night.

This weekend we went to a Gophers game at the new stadium. It was really fun, although cold. I had on a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, a fleece vest and my windbreaker. Then I was thinking about how 40 degrees is totally different in October than in April. Next spring, when it hits 40 degress, I'll probably be in short sleeves.

Anyway, it was fun to see the Gophers win, and to learn all the little audience participation stuff that the NFL doesn't have. Each time the Gophers scores, the crowd yells "M - I - N - N - E - S - O - T - A! Minnesota! Minnesota! Ya-a-a-ay, Gophers!" Hee hee. And I still have no idea what Ski-u mah means*, but okay. :) It's all part of the "Minnesota Rouser," which has its own entry on Wikipedia.

The best part, of course, was the marching band. They were awesome. And of course, as an old band geek, I was trying to find something to criticize. There wasn't much. They did a Halloween half time show (since it was on Halloween), and they played the theme from Ghostbusters, The Time Warp, and Thriller. During Thriller they put down their instruments and did the dance. So cute!

*I actually do, because I read the entry after I wrote that sentence. :)

November

Thanks to everyone for the comments about my surgery. My scars are almost healed, and then hopefully the whole thing will be behind me for good.



I am finally participating in Nanowrimo! I have no idea how it will work, but I did get started yesterday. Yay!

I wanted to do NaBloPoMo as well, but I forgot yesterday, so it's not an official thing this year. :(

Strangely, Monday Night Football is a good writing background. Who knew?

sans gallbladder

On Friday I had my gallbladder removed. After stories from Nikki and a few people at work, I was scared but determined to get through it. The immediate post-surgical experience was pretty horrible. I had never had anesthesia before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. There needs to be another word, because nausea does not cover what I experienced. I'm not sure how long the actual surgery took, but I went in at 1030am and the first time I felt well enough to notice the time it was 430pm. Poor N, waiting for me to come out of it. I was in recovery, feeling horrible, hearing snitches of the nurses talking about how they wanted to admit me because I hadn't come out of it yet. Close call. But they tried something that finally worked, I started being able to sit up, and then they wanted me to sit in a chair. Horrible. As soon as I got in it, I just wanted to get out and go home. When I finally did get home, I slept until 1130 the next morning. (Although I got up almost hourly for the first six or so to pee...damned IV fluids.)

The good news is that after that I recovered pretty quickly. I found out after only two doses that Dilaudid does ntohing for me, but there wasn't much pain anyway, and Tylenol handled it. The worst was the shoulder pain, from the cardon dioxide, which I was warned about and those people weren't kidding. I tried to turn over in the middle of the second night and suddenly I felt like someone stabbed my shoulder with a screwdriver and then twisted, over and over again. But that only lasted a few days. The incisions are pretty painless. The one in my belly button opened up, but I saw the surgeon yesterday and he says it's fine. He signed off on me going to back to work today, which is great because I already had a ton to do when I got there, so imagine what a few more days would have been like.

My surgeon has no sense of humor, but I suppose that's not what you want in a surgeon. Yesterday he and his nurse were in the room when I asked about my belly button incision. I told them it's N's greatest fear that his belly button will open up and his innards will fall out. So when I told him that I thought my incision had opened, he freaked out. The nurse was cracking up, but the surgeon said with a straight face, "You would die before that happened." No, really? At least he's good at his job.

And N is a wonderful nurse, of course. But I'm happy to be on the road to recovery...

wow

The other day at work I got so hyper that I actually said the phrase "all up in your grill" to my boss. As in, I called her to ask her a question after talking to her 3 or 4 times already that day, and when she answered the phone I said, "Hi, it's me. Sorry I'm all up in your grill today." She laughed, which is good, but I still felt a little horrified a few minutes later when I suddenly heard it again in my head.

bullets

• Patrick Swayze is dead, which is so sad. He was more talented than I think he got credit for, and he was far too young.
• John Hughes died last month, also hugely talented and too young. I went to Blockbuster to get a few gems and when I mentioned at the check-out that I had to get them because I just heard about him, the teenager didn't know who he was. I didn't know whether to be depressed because that obviously means I am old, or to be disgusted that someone who works in a movie rental store didn't know John Hughes!
• I joined Nanowrimo! I am going to do it this year. Woot! I have no idea what to write about yet, but I have six weeks to figure it out...
• Yet another entry on the list of things everyone else seems to love that I can't stand: Eva Mendes. What is the attraction? She's a total horse face. The only good thing about her Calvin Klein underwear ads is that her wet, stringy hair usually hides her face. Eww.
• I found out that Neil Gaiman, who is divorced, is now dating Amanda Palmer. While I will always love his writing, I lost some love for him with that info. I am probably judgmental, and weird, but I can't help it.
• My newest guilty pleasure is Taylor Swift...this happened a few months ago. So when I heard what Kanye did I had to watch the video. As my friend C would say, Kanye's an ass-hat. I used to like him, but he has gone over the edge. On the other hand, I have never been a Beyonce fan, but I respected her decision to give Taylor back her moment.

My sweetie...

This morning I woke up with a migraine. I haven't had one in a while actually, which is awesome. But usually I get lucky and get them at night. Waking up at 0530 with pain like that completely sucks. Especially since I was planning on going in extra early this morning for some inservices. Instead, I took some pain pills and went back to sleep. N got me an icepack for my head, I put on my sleeping mask, and he cuddled me until it was better. It actually still isn't completely gone, but it got better enough to go to work.

So then on the way to work I called N to thank him again for being so sweet. He takes such good care of me. I had a meeting at work and was talking about him, and the ladies in the meeting were all saying how good he is. This is something I know, but sometimes I realize it again.

Beep Beep

I'm standing at the desk at the fertility clinic, checking in, and this guy comes up next to me. He's tall and heavy and black, with a fro, and he's trying to hand a small paper bag to the receptionist. Consider the environment we're in, and you know what's in the bag. The receptionist won't take it, tell him he has to wait to be called back. Then, while we're still standing at the desk, a high-pitched beeping starts. I take my receipt and sit down, then big guy sits down, and I notice that the beeping moves with him. I look at the guy I just sat down next to, and see that he knows too. The two receptionists and a nurse are standing behind the desk looking curiously around. Big guy's looking unbothered, trying to hide the sperm-in-a-bag, but otherwise cool. The beeping is not super loud, but loud enough to notice, and no one can not think about it. The receptionists and nurse come out from around the desk, trying to triangulate the source of the noise. Other guy and I are trying to pretend to read our magazines. One receptionist stands next to big guy and looks up at the ceiling, saying she thinks it coming from up there. Big guy says no, it's coming from over there, pointing at the side of the desk he was standing in front of when the beeping started. The another nurse comes and calls him back, and as he exits the waiting room, the beeping follows him. I look at guy next to me and say, It was him! I knew it!," and he says, "I know, I couldn't say anything," and we're cracking up. I wanted to make a crack about him having a sperm alarm, but I thought it might be in bad taste.

When I went back and the nurse came in to the room I asked her if she found out what the beeping was about. She said that big guy had some alarm that went off when he was late for an appointment. He had never been late yet, so didn't know what the alarm sounded like. Really? First of all, no one is never late. Second of all, wouldn't you have tested this bizarro alarm thing when you set it up? (And I'd really like to know more about how it works. Do you have to push some button when you get to pre-programmed events? Otherwise how would it know you were late?) And then how do you not realize that the beeping is coming from you?

Probably it was not nice for other guy and I to laugh at him. But a tall, heavy black man with an afro holding a bag of sperm and beeping - it's not subtle.

Okay, I just read my little account and it's not nearly as funny as it was whn it was happening. Oh well. Deal with it.

N's 30!

Yesterday was the big N's big 3-0 birthday! He got birthday money from his parents and we went on a shopping spree! Okay, not knowing N, you might not know how funny that last sentence is. N is the least materialistic person I know. It makes him a lovely person, but it's also frustrating as hell, because he is impossible to buy presents for. He never wants anything! And he hates shopping, because he's so tall and it's hard to find things that fit. So he gets the money for his birthday, and he decides there's some things he need. So off to the outlet mall. Watching him actually spend money...on himself...was the cutest thing ever.

We were in the Levi's store, where N got a pair of jean shorts, when I noticed something amusing. Another couple, in their forties, were also shopping for jeans for him. And a kid about 12 was there with his mom. When N came out of the dressing room and I made him turn and sit and looked at how the shorts fit, then he went back in, I watched as the mom and the other wife did the same thing. I thought it was cute how your mom helps you with it, then passes it on to your wife.

So N is 30 now, and he seems to be taking it better than I did. But 32 doesn't seem so old now that he's no longer 29. :)

long ago

Tonight I finally got around to checking my Facebook for the first time in almost two weeks. And I have an out-of-left-field e-mail from a friend. (Recently they put "frenemy" in the dictionary, and I would say he's the only person in my life I would use that word to describe. But not today, because he showed some vulnerability, so he deserves to be called friend.) So yeah, he wrote to me in a time of need, which sort of blew me away. Not to mention bringing up drama memories from my past. It threw me off, but it also reminded me that my life is bigger than the every day. It's easy to get so caught up with N, and work, and the friends we see on a regular basis, and forget all the other friends and experiences I've had. It's good to get an injection of your past sometimes. I'm glad to realize my life hasn't always been so small and contained. And glad that it is that way now. You can only handle all that drama for so long. Anyway, I responded to the friend, and I hope my response was worthy. What else can you do but be there when someone asks?

N moments

When I got home from work yesterday, N gave me a dozen red roses. On a random Wednesday! He said it was because I was such a sweet wife and he loves me. I said, "You know most wives would think you were cheating, right?" Then I led him into the bedroom. He says he wasn't expecting that when he bought the roses, but it seemed like the only sane response to me.

Later that night, we were in bed reading. I was reading my book, and he was reading an ESPN magazine I bought for him because Maria Sharapova was on the cover. All of a sudden he asks me, "Would you describe me as polite, quirky and tall?" I thought he had taken a quiz or something, and I said yes. Then he said, "Good, because that's what Maria Sharapova is looking for in a man." So I tickled him.

Birthday

Wednesday was my birthday. I told N that I wanted to stop having them, but the universe appears not to care what I want. This last year was the fastest of my life, and my mom says they only get faster. That's hella scary.* I think that it's because of my goddaughter. She just turned one. And since I don't have my own kids, she's the one speeding up my life.

So on Wednesday I took the day off, because it's a family policy not to work on our birthdays. I slept in, we had some fun, then N took me to IHOP for chocolate chip pancakes. They also give you a free sundae on your birthday, which I didn't know, so it was a seriously fattening birthday breakfast, but yummy. Then we went to Year One. I was super excited about it, but it didn't really live up to it. It only got 17% on Rotten Tomatoes, but I wouldn't say it was quite that bad. Michael Cera was funny, and Olivia Wilde was hot, so it all evened out.

For dinner we went to Old Spaghetti Factory, and then we went to the Twins game. I was pissed that I was forced to see the Yankees, but it's always fun to see my boys. So overall, a great day.

And then I had to work my butt off for two days, and here I am. So excited for the weekend. We don't have much planned, which is perfect. We came home today and cleaned the house, so we can relax all weekend and not have to worry about it. And now I am writing a boring blog. Blah! Anyway, happy birthday to me!







*Yeah, I said hella.

Bayfield and stuff

N and I spent the weekend in Bayfield, WI. I had to go to see the Indigo Girls concert, and we decided to make a weekend of it. It was funny, just having come back from this amazing week in Alaska, to take a mini vacation in a place that is in some ways similar, but on a much smaller scale. It was pretty, and we had fun in two hotels (it was a booking issue, but we liked it!) And the Indigo Girls were awesome, of course.

Then I come back to work today - after getting up at five and driving all the way back, because the concert was on a Sunday night - and don't get out of work until almost 8pm. It's not all the fault of the idiots who got fired last week - some of it was just crazy stuff that happened today - but I'm choosing to blame them, because it makes me feel better. Damn morally questionable coworkers!

I did a quiz on Facebook, and I actually thought the results were true. Here's a description of me based on the week I was born:
You appear to be normal but are attracted to the unusual and bizarre. You let few people into your secret world. You can be wacky and zany and have a wilder side that only close friends get to see. You are a collector, reader, and movie watcher and are drawn to the dark side of human experience. It is hard for you to control your desires and you can become obsessive. You often retreat into your own world, you value your privacy and your home is your sanctuary. You ask little more then to be left alone but you are a great deal of fun for your close friends and family. You are sensitive, thoughtful and caring. Strengths: Fantasy Rich – Fun – Psychologically Astute Weaknesses: Self destructive – Obsessive – Embarrassing

work drama

Wow, has there been some crazy drama at work. Although it's a matter of public record, due to a related law suit, I won't go into a lot of detail here. Suffice it to say that a couple of individuals in upper level nurse management took it into their heads to open their own business. Not a business of the exact same nature as ours, but a similar one. That would not have been an issue - many people have second jobs- but they did not disclose the business. And then they proceeded to use our resources (time, mostly, by doing work on their business while supposedly on the clock, but also paperwork and supplies) for their own business. This was discovered, computers were tracked, then seized at an opportune moment. The two individuals were stuck in a room with the boss for hours, as a team of lawyers and a computer analyst reviewed their computers, flash drives, cell phones, etc. Then they were escorted out of the building, never to be seen again.

I was affected, in terms of having worked closely with one of them. And of course the whole team was affected in terms of having to cover the gaps, and make up for a lot of backwork that they didn't get to because they were too busy building their business. I don't mind doing the extra work, but it does make for a long day. Also, I got some compliments from my boss during the fray, which makes me feel good. But so far, this week has been a lot of catch up work, interspersed with a lot of discussion about the crazy events. Usually, when a person is let go, we are not privy to the whys and wherefores, but the lawsuit gave them the freedom to discuss this, and people cannot stop discussing. Really, even though I know they brought it on themselves, it just makes me feel fortunate to still have a job. Go me!

Alaska Pics

The troll under the bridge in Seattle.

This is our ship, the Norwegian Sun, from the Space Needle.
The view from under the Space Needle.

The sunken gardens in Prince Rupert, BC.
This was a show about the songs and stories of the Tsmishian people of BC...very cool.

And a view of the harbor in Prince Rupert.

These were views of the White Pass from the train.

The train we were on for the White Pass Scenic Railway.

This is a glacier we saw from the ship...can't remember the name.

I bought these shoes for the trip...I love them!

Here you can see the color change in the water as we approach the glacier.

This is Mendenhall Glacier, in Juneau, and some ice floes from it.

This is in the Misty Fjords National Park.

And Eddystone Rock is near the entrance.

This sign is in Ketchikan and it's hilarious.

This is Olyve Oyl, the octopus at the Aquarium in Seattle.

Okay, so the whole thing is backwards, because the pictures I downloaded last ended up at the top. And I have no idea how it will look when I publish it, but there are some Alaska pictures. Enjoy!

EDIT: I had to go back and move almost every caption to make it line up...at the end I got a bit lazy, but you get the general idea...

more books!

I keep meaning to post pictures of Alaska/ Seattle on facebook...I'll try to remember to post some here too.

Today is day 3 back at work, and I am still not used to it. I need another week, I think. :)

So when my mom was here a few weeks ago, she left me a book on CD that she had already listened to. I wasn't going to listen to it, because I never have listened to a book on CD before, and it was by Mary Higgins Clark. Nothing against her, she's just not my cup of tea. But I decided to try and I really liked it! The book was A Mount Vernon Love Story -- a fictional account of George and Martha Washington. So it wasn't the normal Clark thing, and I enjoyed the story. And it was fun to listen to on the way to work and the way home. Since I have a long drive, I always wish I could read on the way, and this way I did! I don't know why I always rejected the idea before. Also, while I enjoyed the story, I probably would have had more complaints if I were reading it myself. It wasn't the most well-written thing I've ever read. Excessive amounts of sentences were started with adverbs, which bugs me. But I liked the lady's voice, and I got a little lost in the story and forgot to criticize. So today the story ended and I was sad. I'm headed to the library after work to find a new one. Yay for trying new things! And I think that since it's a different experience than reading a book on my own, I may choose books to listen to that I wouldn't neccesarily pick to read - which is a good thing.

Today's the birthday party for all residents with a June birthday, and I never say no to cake, so off I go...

home from vacation

Last week we were on a cruise in Alaska, and today I am back at work and I want to go back!! Alaska is so beautiful. I know in the winter it gets harsh, but I could see myself living there May-October.

I always rant about people not knowing what Minnesota is really like - thinking it's a frozen tundra or something. And I guess that's true about everywhere - I mean, you don't know what a place is like until you've actually been there. And Alaska was different than what I had pictured. It was very green and the sun was out (for 18 hours a day) and we had wonderful weather while we were there- 60s and 70s, which is perfect for me. And we saw some beautiful scenery - fjords, and glaciers and icebergs. And I saw a pod of Orca whales, which was incredible. We really loved it.

We also saw a bit of Seattle, as we had time on the last day and one of my friends from college lives there. He and his partner showed us around. I'd like to spend more time there too. Also, I got to go up in the Space Needle, and I bought a copy of The Wheedle on the Needle, which was one of my favorite kids books. N was surprised they had it, but I said of course the gift shop at the Needle woud have it! Yay!

More later, but I need to work now (booo...)

random

There are so many moments when I think, "Oh, I have to blog about this." And right now, I can remember none of them. I know I threatened N with a blog about something he said last week, and now I have no idea what it was. I should really write this stuff down. Ha ha.

So Amber made a good point about my last post, which was that I am doing therapy for me, not for N. And I didn't mean to imply that I was, or that I wouldn't do it if he didn't get it. It's just that he and I talk about everything. And I don't want him to worry that I won't talk to him if I have a different outlet or something. I just want him to understand what really goes on there, ad I think that now he does. Do I think he'll make a return visit at any point? I highly doubt it. But at least now he's expressed an understanding that I need it, which helps.

We celebrated my mom's birthday last night. It's really on Thursday, but she's planning on leaving tomorrow and N has his softball game tonight. So I made a cake and balloon animals (I used to do clowning for birthday parties and I knew my mom would get a kick out of seeing the ballon animals again.) Before dinner we went to see Up in 3-D and I have to say, it was wonderful. I'm glad we saw it in 3-D, since it was available, but even without that, it was a beautiful story. I cried more than once, and I laughed a lot too. And my mom enjoyed it, which was the point. So go see it.

a case of the mondays

Today is a day of emotions. I'm back at work on a Monday, which usually puts me in a weird mood in the morning, but then I mellow out as the day goes one because I usually like my job, once I'm actually there. And Mondays can sometimes be really busy, depending on how the weekend went, so then I might not have time to be whiny if I'm running around all day.

But my mom is leaving soon, probably the day after tomorrow, which means the two weekends I had with her are over. While she is here I usually get really frustrated with her (although the more I grow up, the less we argue and the less I am angry with her while she is with me). And then as soon as she is talking about leaving I get all sad and want her to stay.

And to make matters worse, I had an appointment with my psychologist this morning. N went with me, which I think was a good thing. He is a little skeptical of the whole psych thing, but I wanted him to see what I do there, for him to understand why I need it. The thing is, I know we have anxiety and some depression relating to the fertility issues. And with him I think it is completely situational. With me, not so much. People have been telling me most of my life that I am probably depressed, but I haven't dealt with it. I've been okay on my own. Usually I'm a pretty upbeat person, and then I have down days, and I use my resources and move on with my life. But adding the infertility to the mix has made it more than I can handle on my own. And a stranger with no emotional investment in my life seems like the perfect person to talk to.

I can talk to N, and I do, all the time. But sometimes it's nice to have someone else. And when I'm in her office and feeling fine and then one question or comment from her brings on the tears, I know I'm wound a little too tightly. Plus, she can say things that he can't. This morning I told her about my mom's leg infection drama, and she made comments that I would have been angry with N for making, even though I know they are true. Sometimes you need a stranger.

So then we talked after the appointment and I think he finally gets why I want to continue with therapy, at least for now. But now I'm at work, and I just want to go hom and hang out with him and spend some time with my mom before she leaves. Mondays are so long!

Damn Internet!

I am terrified by how easily accessible people have become due to the internet. The Twitterverse itself completely freaks me out.

I love Neil Gaiman. I read his books, and watch his movies, and read books about him...I'm fairly obsessed. He's had a blog for a long time, which I think is great. He responds to emails from his fans. I have been totally intimidated by that for a long time, because what awesome question could I ask? It has to be the perfect question, because I don't want to be asking him things all the time, so I only get one chance. Therefore, I haven't sent him any messages.

And now there's Twitter. I follow him, and I see random people always sending him little notes, and he responds. This proves that he is really a nice guy, which of course makes me love him even more. But the possibility of sending him a direct tweet is even more terrifying than e-mailing him. Then you have even less space in which to pack a truly meaningful message!!

Okay, I realize I'm crazy. For one thing, Neil has no idea who I am and probably never will, so it doesn't matter what impression my question or comment makes. For another thing, all his interaction with his fans proves what a regular guy he is, and he probably doesn't want some weirdo woman obsessing in her blog over how to send him a message.

But here's the thing: A loved him. He's the one who started my obsession, by introducing me to the Sandman. A actually got an autograph from him, lucky bastard. But even so, in my mind it's two people's fandom that I'm dealing with. So a simple "Hey Neil, how's it going?" isn't going to cut it.

And the problem is, he's too accessible. Back in the day, I never would have had a prayer of interacting with my favorite author, and I could bitch about that and move on.

The other issue is that he lives in MN. And I heard rumors that he likes to go the Renaissance Festival in Shakopee. Every year I go and keep my eyes open, but no sightings yet. If only he'd have a reading and signing near me and I could go and be done with it.

weather woes

Why does everybody complain about the weather? Do we have nothing better to do with our time?

I live in MN, which people normally believe to be a frozen tundra. Maybe at the northern end of the state, up by Canada, it's different than it is here. I live in the twin cities metro area. We have a winter, yes. But we also have spring, summer and fall. It is no colder or snowier here than in any other state that has a winter. And in the summer, it's just as hot as anywhere else. Okay, I just needed to get that off my chest.

I like it here. I like winter, because I like all the seasons. If I lved in Florida or Arizona or California, I'd probably kill myself. I need variety. And I hate it that people complain about being cold all winter, just to bitch the first day it hits 80 that it's too damn hot. And then, after a few days of 80 we get a cloudy day of 69 (today), they say "We went from Summer back to fall!" It's actually spring, moron, and this is perfectly acceptable spring weather! Stop whining!!

Alice Walker wrote, "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it. " And I agree with that. I try to notice as much as I can. And I also think it pisses God off if you are constantly complaining about the weather. If it rains on your wedding day, that's one thing. Or if your beloved baseball team is stupid enough to bulid an open air stadium in MN and you end up missing a game due to rain. (It doesn't happen until next season, but I'm already bitter.) My point is, there are exceptions. But complaing every day gets on me nerves. We need rain, and sun, and everything else. Learn to appreciate it!

And if the only thing you can think to talk about is the weather, go read a damn book! Learn some new topics, or don't bother starting a conversation with me.

Mom trouble

After days of waiting, my mom showed up at about 10:30 on Thursday night. When she came in, my first question was, "What's up with that leg?" Her right leg was swollen and an angry red color. When I touched it, it was hot. Apparently, she hit her leg on their grill - over two weeks ago! She had a scabbed over little puncture wound, and a raging infection. The next day I made her go to urgent care. N took her, because I had to work. Sure enough, IV antibiotics, a prescription for orals, and as assignment to come back the next day to make sure it was improving. There are a couple of mind blowers here.

First, why didn't she do something about it earlier.? She flew to Hawaii to see my niece graduate, which is awesome. But she walked all around there, then did a week long road trip from Cali to here, including some sightseeing. From the pictures, it seems like the swelling was even worse then. Why would you not get it checked out?

Second, why does she always come to me to be ill? About two years ago, she had a heart attack while she was visiting me. Thank God I got her to the hospital on time. And if I hadn't made her, would she have ever gone in about her leg? The thing is, everyone else was telling her all along, but she only went when I told her to.

As my sister says, at least she listens to someone. And I appreciate that, but it's difficult for me. I'm here in MN, she's in AZ or MA, or en route. I can be with her all the time. What if the leg had been even worse, and she had not come to see me right then? What if she had been at home when the heart attack happened? Even then, she didn't want to go to the hospital, and I had to force her. The doctor told her that if I hadn't made her come in, she'd be dead. That's a little more than I can handle.

I do have a great support system. Two years ago I spent a lot of her hospital time on the phone with two of my sisters. And the other day I called one of them to vent about the leg thing. She was in Hawaii with my mom, and had been trying to get her to have it looked at the whole time.

But I already have guilt about choosing a life that kept me away from my mom. I haven't been around her on a daily basis since I went to college. And sometimes I am really sad about that. I won't go all into it, but my three sisters and my brother have complicated relationships with my mom. I do too, but I also know that if I lived near her I would spend more time with her than any of them do. It's the cruel irony of my life. But the truth is that I love my life here. For all the guilt I have about it, I wouldn't have the quality of life on the east coast that I do here. And I don't actually miss the area, just the people.

So the fact that I can't take care of her when she needs it really worries me. Her significant other (I never know how to refer to him...they're not married - and even if he were, I'm a little old for a stepfather- and boyfriend sounds weird when you're over sixty) tries to convince her to take care of herself, but apparently she ignores him too. After the heart attack, the only way I made myself okay with her going to AZ (at least in MA my other siblings are there) was believing that he would take care of her for me.

So while I bitch about my mom only listening to me, I want her to keep doing so. I guess it's good juju that's she's with me when craziness occurs, since I'd want to be with her. I just wish that she would take good enough care of herself and listen to others as well. I'm so worried about what will hapen when I'm not there. The truth is, I can't handle the thought...no, I can't even type it.

Anyway, we went back in today and all looks well. I've got her ace wrapped, and she's taking the antibiotics, so I hope it will be better soon. I'm going to enjoy this visit, and wait to feel guilty again until she's back on the road.

Neighbor update

Yesterday, I wrote the big long blog about the rude neighbors and the note they had given us the day before (thanks for the comments, by the way). I also mentioned it on Facebook and got a ton of comments. Then, as I was driving down my street yesterday evening, I noticed 3 yards that had approximately the same length of grass as us, which ruled all of them out. So I had thought it must have been either the next door or across the street neighbors. But the across the street neighbors were out of town that day, and the note mentioned the shared flower beds, so I became convinced that the note was from next door We'll call them the B's. When I got home I told N all this stuff about the blog and the comments and the yards, and he just listened. Then he said, when I was done, "Yeah, it was bothering me all day too, so I went and put a note in the B's mailbox."

What?!? Yeah, you read that right...my non-confrontational, don't stir anything up, keep the peace husband, after telling me not to do it, had gone ahead and noted them right back!! I was so proud! Well, I was disappointed that he didn't wait for me, but mostly I was proud that I have passed some of the dark side on to him. He told me it said something along the lines of,
"We aren't going to deal with the flower beds, as we discussed when we first moved in. Please feel free to take care of them if you feel the need. We are looking into professional care for our lawn and it will be done soon, since it bothers you so much." Hee hee. For my taste, the part about the lawn had a little kow-towing to it, but overall it was well done.

Then he called me at work this morning to say that he had a "run-in." When he went in to the garage and opened the door, Mr. B was standing in his yard, near the flower bed. N said hi, so did Mr. B. then N asked, "Did you get my note?," which I think is hilarious. Mr. B said that he had, then apologized to N. He said there had been an overreaction from "some people." In my mind, "some people" means Mrs. B. N repeated that we were trying to hire a lawn service, and Mr B. suggested that, since he had some extra time on his hands, perhaps he could do the neighborly thing and mow our lawn. Wow!! N told him we had some Twins tickets that we can't use* and offered them to the B's. They had a neighborly handshake, and N went to work.

I was quite proud of my confident husband. Although I had an influence on him, his handling of the situation was a lot less volatile than mine would have been. And I think that his was better, in the long run. Mine would have been more satisfying short term, but it wouldn't have led to better neighbor relations, as his did. Go N!! You're the best. We got an apology, a free lawn mow, and the avoidance of a feud. Sweet!

* Usually there is no such thing as a Twins ticket that we can't use. But we got them free from N's work, and my mom will be here then. She's probably the only person I'd turn down a Twins game for. :)

I hate yard work! And neighbors!!

In december 2007, N and I bought our dreamhouse. We loved it the moment we set eyes on it. Then we brought his parents to see it, and they loved it. And then, despite some issues with the crazy people who sold it to us, we ended up buying it. In the 17 months since, we have managed to unpack, put things mostly in a semblance of order, finally get pictures and things on the walls (mostly last week for the walls), bought a dog, pretended to train him...what I'm saying is, we've been busy. And clearly not always with the house, as it has taken us so long to get it this together. We love the house and working on it, but we also love traveling and spending time with our frineds, and relaxing with a book or a movie or...whatever.

The one thing that we have not really dealt with much is the lawn. When we moved to our dream house, N and I divided up all the chores. We figured that we could each just be responsible for our own things, not nag each other, and never end up fighting over something as stupid as who did the dishes today. And it has worked. I do my stuff, he does his, occasionally we each slack a little, the other one doesn't mention it, and we move on. The lawn, and all the outside stuff, is on N's list. N, as much as I love him and believe him to perfect for me, is not a working on the lawn kind of guy. I don't see that as an issue. I don't need him to be that kind of guy.

While I love having a back yard for the dog, I think the front yard is more of a burden. For one thing, crazy seller lady (CSL) and crazy next-door neighbor lady (CNL) made a flower garden in the plot of land between our two driveways. At the closing, CSL mentioned that CNL was afraid the new tenants would put asphalt over it (they had sliced a bit off our driveway, making me have to back out at a weird angle.) So when I met CNL, I assured her that I would not put asphalt over our half of the garden, but I also told her that I would not be tending to it. I told her she was free to tend to the plants on our half should she feel the need. Over the first few months that we lived there, she offered multipple times to teach me or give me tips, and I politely informed her that none were needed...I have no interest in gardening. She always meticulously cares for her half and ignores our half now, which I have no problem with.

So there you have N and I, who want to have nothing to do with yardwork, and mow as little as possible, and only under duress. N does mow, just not with such obsessive frequency as the neighbors. And out flower bed is messy. Personally, I'd rather mow over the damn thing, but I left it up because they are all perennials, and they're pretty, if not perfectly cared for.

So yesterday, I came home and checked my mail, as usual. And there was a note in there, which said,

Neighbor -

PLEASE mow and bag your lawn or have a lawn service come and do it!! And clean out your flower beds. Your neighbors are getting testy!!

Thank You

I left the punctuation as it was, and the capitalization of PLEASE, but there were also random letters within some of the words that were capitalized. Is the author not very smart, or were they thrown in to throw me off the trail? You be the judge. Anyway, I was pissed. An anonymous letter? Really??

Here are some of my issues with this.

1. The neighbors two doors down from me use most of their lawn as a circular driveway, and the rest as a graveyard for some kind of machinery.
2. The neighbors across the street from CNL have the cops there 2-3 times a week. (I have no idea why, I just see the lights a lot...and the lady across from me told me once about some gossip, but I wasn't listening. Have I mentioned that I'm not a big fan of neighbors in general??)
3. My lawn may be a little tall, but it's not a jungle. N mowed about two weeks ago.
4. Why, if this person (or people - the note said said my neighbors -plural - were getting testy. Are they having secret meetings about us?) thinks that my lawn is an issue, could they not talk to us about it? Or at least sign the note. How wimpy are you, that you have to leave an anonymous note in a mailbox??
5. Why do you have so much time on your hands, and why do you think that I do too? N and I both work full time, have a 45 minute commute, and have busy weekend lives. There's honestly not a lot of time for yardwork, even if we liked it. Which, as stated before, we do not.
6. What gives you the right to dictate what happens on my property? You want to pay my mortgage and taxes? If not, then back off!

Okay, I probably have more points, but that's enough. When I got the note, I went in and called N and I told him that I wanted to post a note on our malibox or in our yard. I had many options:

• Feel free to mow for us!
• Unsolicited advice will not be heeded!
• We do not negotiate with terrorists (or anonymous neighbors!)
• To anonymous: You're a coward!

But N told me to let it go. He said he had planned on mowing before my mom shows up (at the end of this week) and I said, not now you aren't. Let 'em sweat a while. We will not be bullied! (That would make a good sign too). He also discouraged me from going door to door until I found the culprit and then giving them a piece of my mind.

Yes, I probably overreacted. I have anger issues. We've been over this.

The point it, I really was insulted. It's not that bad. And if you can't have the courage of your convictions and say it to my face, you probably shouldn't be leaving me a note either.

So I talked to my mom and two of my sisters, and they had similar reactions (how do you think I got this way?) and I felt a little better. Then I posted a brief thing about it on Facebook and got a ton of responses, which made me laugh. Bringing in a goat to take care of it was my favorite. Go Mama Dixie! Anyway, I am mostly done being angry about it now, and have moved on to being amused. I wonder how long N and I can hold out before even we hate the lawn? Of course, I think that CNL and her hubby wrote it, only because it specifically mentioned the flower bed. (Which, by the way, is covered in wood chips, so it's mostly clean even without making the effort.) And if I see her in the driveway, I will ask if it was her, and let her know that the note was a cop-out. Even if she didn't write, I know she knows who did.

And on the happy side, when I was looking out the window by the front door yesterday, checking to see if anyone was out in their yard, I saw a bunny in mine. He was in the driveway, eating little weeds that pop up next the bush by my front door. He pulled one out by the middle, and the two ends were hanging down to the ground from his little mouth, and I watched him eat the whole thing, nibble by nibble. Super cute!!

Maybe I could train him to eat the grass....

cruise!!

We're going on a cruise!! Woo-hoo!!

N and I decided that we need a break. We took that long weekend on the Cape, but if you've ever spent any time with my family, you kow it's not really a vacation. (sorry, guys - I love you all, but there's less drama on some Jerry Springer episodes.) So while it was great to see everyone and have a family weekend, we still need a vacation.

After many weeks of searching for a deal, we finally found it and we are headed to Alaska on June 6th!!! My brain is spinning with all the details - what to pack, doggie care, how to set up at work. I haven't been gone for a full work week since I had this job, and I'm nervous about that. But I know it will be taken care of, and that I have to not care, just for seven days.

We've been wanting to go to Alaska for years, so it's hard to believe we are finally doing it. Our honeymoon cruise, to the western carribean, was the best vacation ever. So I'm fully expecting this one to measure right up there. It's Norwegian again, fo course, but a different ship. I can't wait to explore it! We already booked our shore excursions too. I can't wait!!

faith

Lately, I have had a bit of a religious conversion. Or a reversion, as it were, since I feel like I'm returning to something. As a child and a young adult, I had a fierce faith. Because of circumstances in my college years and beyond, that faith eroded. It was pushed away by many things, but I would say a big player was my study pf philosophy. And to this day, I am in love with everything I learned, and continue to learn, in that study. But in some ways all I was doing was replacing my faith object; instead of faith in God, I put my faith in the cannon. And while I gained a lot from my readings, I could never get a feeling of safety that I missed when I dismissed God from my life. After years of craving it, and then some years of increasing depression over the fertility issue, for which I could find no comfort from my philosophers, I decided to take the leap again. I know more about the alternatives this time, and I admit to having shopped around a bit for the pieces of my new faith, but it real and it is me.

And then I read Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. A lot of people have told me to read it, and I wasn't interested in it. Then I finally got around to it, this week, and I loved it. It was a beautiful book, and I applaud her journey. I read it at the perfect time in my own journey. I could quote the whole book, but I'm going to give a piece of it because it was such an a-ha moment for me. She could have been writing about me.

There's a reason we refer to "leaps of faith" -- because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be -- by definition -- faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it owuld not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be . . . a prudent insurance policy.

I'm not interested in the insurance industry. I'm tired of being a skeptic, I'm irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I oculdn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water.

love!

Last post, I talked about N making me laugh, and I got a cool response. So, in keeping with my resolve to be positive for a while, I thought I'd do a post dedicated to my amazing husband.

• When we met, I had recently lost A. I was a widow, with not a lot to smile about, and he made me smile again. Not to mention, he immediately wanted to hear all about A, and has never made me feel bad about missing him or talking about him. Actually, there are times that I forget they never met, because he seems to know so much about him.
• He thinks that if his belly button opens, all his innards will come out. Which makes it really fun to poke his belly button. :)
• He plugs my cell phone in for me at night, he kills spiders for me, he never leaves the seat up, and he lets me put my cold feet on him even though I never let him put his cold feet on me.
• Whenever I am feeling bad about myself, which is often, he always disagrees with me and tells me I'm wonderful. Or he'll say, "Hey, that's my wife you're talking about."
• He has the same three best friends he's had since he was six.
• He will spend hours on the internet, searching for a good deal for any trip we go on, any appliance we buy, any random item that I need and don't want to buy at the store. It's fun for him, and I get the best stuff.
• He also makes me a packet every time we go on a trip, which includes our travel info, hotel info, itinerary, maps, anything else he thinks we'll need...and then he puts a cover page on it that says something like, "N and A's European Adventure!" I keep them for our scrapbooks.
• Whenever I call out to him from another room, he always answers with, "Yes, love?"
• He is a really good kisser. I mean, really good. This, of course, often leads to other things, which he also excels at, but the kissing is what really got me.
• He has such a good soul. He is always thinking about other people and putting them before himself. Often that person is me, and I am always trying to deserve it.
• He is completely oblivious to girls hitting on him or having crushes. I always have to point it out.
• He is 6' 10" and completely comfortable with that. After more than seven years, I still laugh when people ask him how tall he is...and he's still calm about it after almost thirty years!
• If he doesn't know the answer to a question, he just makes something up. Most of the time, people believe him. It cracks him up that I'm the oly one who calls him on it, every time. Even if a story is true, he likes to embellish it. He just likes to laugh.

Okay, I'll stop with a baker's dozen. There is always more I could say, but I have to stop some time. The most important point is that I always love being with him, no matter what we're doing. And when we go through trying times, it's best to remember things like that. No matter what the outcome of all the fertility issues, I am glad to be married to N.

happy entry

Last week I promised myself that I was going to write about something happy. Then the stupid ER thing happened, and I wrote about that instead. Now I have rested all weekend, and I am determined to have a happy entry for once. I am throwing off the cloak of negativity I was wearing last week (and the whole situation that I continued tonguing at, like a wound on the roof of my mouth, long after I should have ignored it) and putting on my happiness shawl. Or whatever.

N and I had a really fun weekend. On Friday we saw the new Star Trek movie, which I loved. I can't believe how good the casting was, I truly forgot about the actors and was completely absorbed in the characters. I didn't want it to end, and I can't wait for the next one. And in the meantime, I may have to dig out the old episodes and watch them again!

On Saturday we had a really interesting conversation, which could easily have been an argument, but then we talked instead, and we learned some new things. I won't go into all the particulars here, but I think it is amazing that after seven years of sharing everything with each other, we can still learn new things.

Last night, at about 10pm, we decided that we needed to go to Perkins. N is always saying that he needs potato pancakes at ridiculous hours of the night. This was early enough that we could do it, so off we went. And then, at the restaurant, he made me laugh so hard I got the hiccups. Thankfully, I was done with french toast before the hiccups started.

We have always had so much fun together. But now, with all that we've got going on, it has felt really good these last few weeks to be just ourselves again. I think we could maybe get out of the stress if we spend a little longer like this.

non-emergency

Yesterday I took a little visit to the ER.

I was at work, about an hour after my lunch break, and I started getting a stomachache. It felt just like indigestion or something. Then a few minutes later the pain traveled all over my abdoment and went crazy. I think I'm pretty good at pain...not stoic, but I can usually handle it. This was 8/10, couldn't stand still, had to work on breathing kind of pain. And once it got up there, it stayed. No throbbing or waves, just steady-on blazing pressure. I told one of my friends, who took a second to realize I was serious, and then started doing vitals and listening to my heart and bowel sounds and everything. It's a perk to be surrounded by other nurses all day. My blood pressure was sky high, so I called my clinic. While I was still in pain, I described what had happened and answered a bunch of questions. She told me to go to the ER. After a while the pain went down to about a 5, and then down and down until it was gone. All in all, it was about 20-25 minutes. My work friend would not let me decide not to go, even though I tried, so off to the ER I went.

In retrospect, I could have gone to urgent care. Why I didn't think of that at the time is probably due to being pretty scared about what might be going on. So now I'll probably have a huge bill. Bler. So yea, they did blood work, and urine tests, a 12-lead EKG, and chest x-ray. The doctor said it all looked good. She also talked to me for almost half-an-hour. A very cool MD. After all this, her diagnosis? Stress.

Ha ha. Seriously?

Although I did tell her all about the infertility mumbo-jumbo, she seemed to think I was stressed even before knowing that. Also, she has a son, by IVF, so that was interesting. And the thing is, I had thought I was really de-stressing in the last few weeks. But when I started telling her about stuff, tears were coming to my eyes. I wasn't exactly crying, just tearing uncontrollably. Which makes me realize things are still a lot closer to the surface than I had thought.

I'm not sure I believe that it's only stress. I know all the tests were good, but I'm still worried it was something that they didn't test for. And I'm really not a hypchondriac. I've been having weird chest pains for long time now, which my NP is aware of, and there seems to be no reason for those. But this was serious pain, like I have never felt before. But even if it is only stress, what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I thought I was doing better, so I'm not sure I have a whole lot of coping mechanisms stored up at this point.

metablog

Blogging is stupid. There, I said it. I am guilty of doing it, but that doesn't stop me from seeing the issues involved. The thing is, if you have a blog, you are probably the kind of person who has had journals...maybe you were good at keeping it up, or maybe you started a new one every year and only wrote three entries before giving it up again. You feel like you want to remember life, to document it. Or you feel like you have something to say. Like you are interesting, or wish to be. But in any case, blogging means taking your journals or essays into the public forum. You want people to read what you have written.

I get frustrated that I don't have many readers. I know it's probably because what I have to say isn't grabbing people, isn't new or intersting enough to stand out. But I hold on to the hope that there are other reasons, so I go out into the blogosphere and try to read others, and maybe connect with them, in the hopes that they will turn and read me too. So far, not so good, but I'll keep plugging. Because even though the part of me with loe self-esteem says that no one cares, the secretly overconfident part of me says that someone will aprreciate me. (Also, I cut myself off at the knees by being afraid that those who are too close to me will find it and know too much, but that's a neurosis for another day).

The point is, people who blog want to be read, plain and simple. But the reason blogging is stupid is that then some people turn around and decide that they don't want to be disagreed with. Yes, please read and appreciate my contribution to the world, but don't let on that I'm not the best thing since sliced bread! Don't say anything unless you have something nice to say!

At this point I'd like to pause to say that it probably looks like I am harping on the issue from yesterday. And I suppose that in a way I am. But after spending some time thinking about why I blew up yesterday, I realized that it wasn't really about that one blogger, or at least not totally. This has happened to me before, with my frenemy, B. Once upon a time, he said horrible things about me and about A in his blog. And I responded vehemently. And then got angry that I had the nerve to respond to what he said in his own private blog. Really?

Like I've said before, I believe that people have the right to an opinion, and to voice that opinion. But I also have the right to express mine, and to tell you why I think yours is wrong. And let's not sugarcoat things. It's okay for me to think you are wrong, and vice versa. Just because I think you have a right to an opinion doesn't mean I have to give your opinion any creedence. I might, if you do a good job of arguing your point, but chances are slim.

So the point is that you have the right to write, and I have the right to respond. Love it or hate it, that's how it is. If you don't want to continue from that point, you have the right of ignoring my response. Or you could delete any comments you don't want to deal with. It is, after all, your blog, and I am fine with you dictating the flow of traffic. But please, don't put yourself out there and ask for attention, and then whine because you don't like the attention that you got. I feel like that is just lying to yourself about your real motivation to blog in the first place.

anger issues

I think I have anger issues.

Last night at Wal-Mart (also known in our household as Satan's World) I had a serious I-am-going-to-kill-someone moment. The night before I had spent almost two hours uploading, reorienting, and resizing a bunch of photos to be printed. This is the only reason I wold go through Wal-Mart, because the whole photo thing is cheap and easy. (Insert joke here). Anyway, I got there yesterday and all the photos were 4X6, with no changes. I seriously freaked out. And I am not good with confrontation, but I did manage to express my pissiness. Of course, it's Wal-Mart, so no one cared. Customer service is about the last thing I'd expect. So after only paying for the ones that were supposed to 4X6 and unchanged, I went home and cried all over N. And he suggested that I order them again, from a different Wal-Mart, so I didn't have to go back to the same people, which I did. He's picking them up today. I was really upset because I am all about this picture project and I am proud of myself for finally starting it, and I want to get it done before my mom gets here in a few weeks. But I think my reaction may have been out of proportion.

Also, there was a traffic incident this morning, in which the horn and both of my middle fingers were used. Let's just say, you can't change lanes whenever you feel like it and expect no reaction. But again, my reaction may have been over done.

And the third time was just now. Catching up on a blog that I recently started following, I realized that a post was directed at me. It made me a little angry, for several reasons. I made the comment a while ago, and I thought it to be calm and reasonable, inviting a friendly debate. Apparently the other blogger didn't feel that way. She felt I "blindsided" her with debate, and that I passed off my opinions as fact. I certainly don't think I expressed my opinions any differently than she did in the post. I stated what I believe. I don't put question marks after solid beliefs, as a rule. And I didn't realize that she wouldn't be up for a debate. When I knew her briefly in college, I remember her being up for things like that. I also noted in the comment that I wasn't trying to start anything, and that I respected her opinions. If I didn't, I wouldn't have bothered to post a comment. Clearly she does not have the same respect for my opinion. That's fine. Then let me know about that. You know where to find my blog, and you know how to respond with another comment, which she did. Don't write a whole post about how you don't want to debate and you resent my comment. And yes, I realize I am being hypocritical about that last point by writing this post. It's part of my charm.

In any case, I'm not catering to any childish wish to hear no feedback. You did have the choice not to publish the comment. Either I read and I respond to it if I feel the urge, or I don't read. I do respect a person't right to her own opinion. But I don't blow smoke up anyone's ass. That's not who I am.

On the other hand, when I stopped following her blog and wrote a curt comment in response, I may have over done it. I know she's going through some stuff, which I could have taken into consideration. And I could have just ignored it and moved on, keeping my decision to comment no longer to myself. Coulda woulda shoulda. What can I say? I have anger issues.